A decent man, please tell me what i am looking for?

[dragonse]

NC for this. Very sensitive topic for me.

I’m 35 and have always wanted a family. I’m visibility getting older these days but lucky that I seem to attract men - don’t mean to sound arrogant there, I’m by no means an oil painting! But I find conversation easy and seem to get dates online dating. This means that when I date I am thrown in and meet lots of people and probably why I have winded up not actually finding anyone decent. My judgement is always wrong.

I have had a couple of good relationships but to be honest many have been awful. Culminating in a man who, when he thought I was pregnant (turned out to be a false positive), told me to pack my bags and that he would not support me and e expected me gone by the time he got back from work. A day before he had been telling me I was the love of his life! I also found out he had been on various escort sites throughout our relationship. The man before him threatened to throw me down some stairs because I begged him to tell me why he was ignoring me. That was another morning when he woke up and decided not to speak to me for no reason at all. Another man told me as I earned good money I should never expect him to pay for me

I then met someone who was totally loving towards me but crazily jealous to the point where if I was on my phone in a restaurant when we went to the toilet, he would come back to the table and accuse me of talking to another man. He was nice though in general and I often wonder if I let him go when he was good for me. My counsellor disagreed with me here.

Anyway...let’s just say there was a long list of people who have hurt me in some way.

I took a break from dating, had lots of therapy and tonight I have my first date in a long time. I am scared that I will get my judgements wrong again. Guess what I’m asking for here is what to look out for, what’s a definite no, that sort of thing!

I feel more prepared than I have in the past but now I am actually about to meet someone again I’m suddenly second guessing myself!

*visibly not visibility!

I think the ongoing theme here might be how long you tolerate the bad behaviour, as these seem to be within relationships, so implies that you ignored signs before doing the necessary.
Everyone comes across red flags, if you have clear boundaries, then at the first crossing, your mind needs to say 'next' to you. Forget about why they have been crossed, that's not important and is what keeps you trying to understand them, when what you should do is such them and hopefully move on to better. Otherwise you waste too much time with idiots and miss the good ones.

Agreed.
It's completely pot-luck how long it takes to meet someone you like and likes you (and is decent).
Therefore don't waste time on guys who need 'fixing' (they can't be - nor do they want to be) and don't spend too much time on reflection.
Just get back online and keep going on short dates.
Treat it like a job!
There are good ones out there, but by your age most of the great/good ones are married/partnered and so it's going to be tough...or you might find him tomorrow.
Keep positive.
(I would think about using a sperm donate/ adoption in your situation too - maybe not now, but soon then you will have your dc and the pressure is off to find a mate).

There are alot of good and bad men out there.

I've had three serious relationships. My first two were liars, cheats and anything in a skirt was above me.

My third who I'm with now is a dream on paper. But he's really boring. He has no sex drive. He's always tired. Moans alot. His humour his really crappy in the last two years. He's always paranoid about the government and the plan.

Anyway. I am certainly no expert on men. I was never confident enough to go for what I wanted when I was young. I got a mortgage at 19 and that's trapped me and at 31 I half regret it.

I don't know what you do and how fast. But I guess men on dating sites are probably serial daters. With so many opportunities to find people perhaps it's a bad thing. I bet half the men on them are just good looking pricks lol!!! Perfect place for a nob to find loads of ladies.

It's almost like you need to meet someone face to face and be friends before dating! But I appreciate that's really hard in your 30s when many are settled.

You've definitely had some horrible men but that's not you is it. That's them. It's quite easy to catch one of them!

To be honest a lot of the sort of men you describe have early warning signs. I find that the types of women who fall into relationships with them are insecure in some way and are too busy attaching themselves to the guy early on rather than using dating as it should be - evaluating a person. Having sex with someone creates an automatic hormonal bond via oxytocin. You want to be taking the time to see the bad stuff in someone as well as the good stuff, and acting accordingly, not prematurely bonding to them. Women with a healthy self esteem would not have wasted precious time with the types of abusive behaviour you describe and would have moved on much more quickly.

The best thing you can do is to actually stop dating and focus on building your self esteem and getting therapy for childhood issues that may mean you're more likely to put up with abusive behaviour. And only then go back to dating as currently your patterns mean you not only have a high likelihood of attracting and choosing the wrong type of man again, but continuing to stay in the relationship, getting more hurt and wasting yet more time.

I'd say learn how to spot narcissists (and similar). There are plenty of YouTube videos.

And always, always listing to your gut. If something doesn't feel right or they ever make you feel ill at ease or 'not good enough' then run for the hills. You don't need to justify or prove anything. If something doesn't feel right or make you feel right then get out.

Good people lift you up, they compliment (but not excessively) not compete, they make you feel at ease not rushed or blindsighted or unsure.

Watch out for future faking/love bombing, narcissistic triangulation (when they introduce another woman -like an ex or someone from work- into the mix as your competition).

Trust a persons consistent actions to show you who they are. Words are cheap without followthrough.

Avoid the ones who are love with you within weeks.

Don't ignore any form of misogyny or disrespect.

If you can't talk to them, move on.

Listen to your inner voice - she's trying to tell you something you should hear.

Read up on abuse. Do the Freedom programme. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

Apart from that, it's also about what you will tolerate within the relationship. If a date sees you'll put up with a behaviour once they will repeat it when they might not have if you'd put your foot down straight away.

I second thinking of going it alone as a parent if your overriding desire is to have dc.

"The man before him threatened to throw me down some stairs because I begged him to tell me why he was ignoring me. "
So here's an example to work with.
Imagine you are, say, Beyonce. Do you think she would beg someone to tell her why he was ignoring her? No, she would think, "I don't know what his problem is but if he's going to be like this, I'm off!" and be off to greener pastures.
Be the best you can be yourself, sure, but if a bloke is unable to be his best self while in a relationship with you, then that's a "not meant to be".