Should I tell him?

[Bisecret]

Inspired by another thread but hopefully not a taat.

I’m comfortable with being bisexual and some friends know. However this is something I’ve had to slowly come to terms with throughout my life and now fully acknowledge and accept who I am.
I’ve been with dh 25 years since school and married for 10. We have children and are happy, although we’ve had ups and downs in the past.
The issue is he has no idea about my sexuality. How on earth would I tell him? Should I? I’ve recently had spoken about it in detail with a therapist and so it’s on my mind more than usual. I feel guilty keeping it from him but what would it achieve telling him after so long together?
Any advice?

I don't see why you wouldn't. If he's a decent guy he's not going to care, and if he does care then you've learnt something very valuable about the man you married.

If you are going to tell him than can I suggest you discuss with therapist how you’ve been with him 25 years he is going to ask you which women you have realised you are attracted to during this period.

And pl remember - it’s taken a while for you to fully understand yourself - he might also need sometime to understand as well. But it would be sad if you stayed living your life not being about to be honest as to who you are. Good luck.

I don't feel like he really needs to know as you're in a faithful committed relationship with him it's irrelevant who else you're attracted to

If after 25 years my partner told me out of the blue (I realise it isn't out of the blue for you personally OP but it will be to him) he also liked men I'd wonder if he was attracted to someone else and I think it'd make me feel anxious. I'd possibly worry something had prompted this sudden revelation like an affair

Where if I went into a relationship knowing my partner was bisexual I'd feel fine about it.

Is it important to you he knows you're bisexual?

I can’t really see what you would gain by telling him? Won’t he suddenly become a bit insecure and question your whole marriage? I honestly can’t see the point x

I think it would undermine your whole marriage and make him feel the part 25 years weren't what he thought. I would not risk it.

The past 25 years

Do you want to leave him, op? I think that may be a conclusion he jumps to. Even if you say you dont want to leave him, he may feel he is stopping you doing what he feels deep down you want to do.

I think you should definitely talk it out in therapy more.

I think if you are happy with him, I dont see the point of telling him. He’d understandably question your marriage and how you feel about it and he’d be anxious sbout your future. But if you are not happy in the relationship thats a different matter.

Why would you tell him if you’re happily married ?

If you want to stay married, don't tell him.

@Ithoughthiswasit

Are you planning on having an extra marital relationship or separating to explore your sexuality further? Otherwise I can’t see why you would tell him or feel guilty about not saying anything.

^^ This....

I would think if your attractions to women are strong enough to warrant telling him then he will be very hurt. If you only just see a woman and think 'oooo she's fit' and move on, that's one thing and there would be no need to tell him. But if you are thinking about other women a lot then he will be hurt, as he would if you had such a significant attraction to other men. I think the bisexuality is a red herring, he will just think you are overly attracted to other people.

It's completely irrelevant

What would be the advantage of telling him?

I’d only tell him in the context of past relationships with women rather than any current feelings. If you intend to stay in this relationship long term then it would be damaging to give the impression that you’re thinking of other people in a sexual way whether they are male or female

What is the motivation for telling him? Do you want to pursue a relationship with a woman? Do you feel like he doesn't really know or understand you?

If you are happy in your relationship then I'm not sure why you would want to tell him. You might feel better but he won't.

You’re happy in your marriage? Don’t tell him. You may be bi but you’ve chosen him as your life partner, don’t throw it away.

Agree with others, don't tell. It may assuage yourdesire to unburden yourself but will likely only bring anxiety and damage into your relationship. If you tell him, he is likely to think you are doing so as the next discussion will be about a desire to explore that part of your sexuality. As others have said, it could also make your Dh feel like your whole marriage and sex life has been based on shaky foundations. He may feel used that you wanted to have a conventional facade and DC when you were lusting after women most of the time (even if that wasn't the case). It's a minefield.

Thanks for all the responses. I have no intentions to leave him and do not want to start a relationship with a woman or explore. There is no particular woman in my life who has made me feel like this and I’ve known deep down since I was about 15.
I am not going to tell him but the only reason I considered it is that I am a very honest person and have shared a lot of things with him over the years and vice versa. I think he’d be worried and insecure if he knew even though for me it wouldn’t change anything as he’s the one I love/ fancy/ want to be with.

It's a tricky one. My personal approach is if in doubt, default to telling the truth. I would not tell him just to unburden yourself though (of that were the reason I don't think I would), I'd be telling a DP in the context of them better understanding me.

Actually I've recently made a post on GoT characters you find attractive, even though I'd consider myself straight, I'm attracted to a female character!