Friendship woes

[mallorytower]

I don’t know how to make and keep friends. I’m socially quite shy but I try hard! I’m so lonely and I’ve got a big birthday coming up and no friends to celebrate it with! I see other people out in groups celebrating birthdays and I think “how do they do it”. I find making small talk quite difficult. Maybe that’s the problem? I just don’t know. How do other people make friends? I’m constantly the one reaching out asking people to go for a coffee but nobody ever asks me! I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I made a group of friends when my child was born and felt so proud of myself but everybody moved to live in different areas and now they just don’t bother. They’ve all got lots of other friends but I haven’t! One of my children recently started a new school so I thought it’s a great opportunity to make new friends but I’m finding it really really hard. The women are very cliquey and I’m trying hard by asking people if they want to go for coffee after drop off but just not getting anywhere. I just want a group of buddies but don’t know how to get that. I live in a commuter belt area and wonder if that’s the issue? Everyone’s so busy all the time or already got a group of friends they grew up with. How do I find the people like me who actually want friends!!

Sorry-that sucks. How about joining a group like City Socialiser (if it’s still going)? X

Can you find a hobby or craft group to be a member of? Even if it's something you've never done before. A common interest is a really good way of pulling people together and it can transcend a lot of the social layers/circumstance that might mean you would not have encountered a person otherwise. It is tricky right now but might be worth investigating.

I want friends !
But I think friendship should be a natural thing, not forced.
Maybe someone should start up a sort of dating site to find friends instead.

I agree with meeting people through shared interests. It's a much more relaxed way of making friends. The school gates is a bit of a lottery and as you say people already know each other often and are relieved to not have to make small talk with strangers.

Do your children do any weekend activities? That can be a way of getting to know people. Could you join or start a book club? Our local next door online group often has people offering to set up a book club and there are always tons of people responding to it. I know people who go sailing or cycling groups which also seem very sociable.

Try not to compare yourselves to other people's social circle. My friends all have tons of other friends and it's because they're more outgoing than I am and put themselves out there more. Could you get a couple of people round for coffee? I personally find that easier than one to one with someone I don't know very well.

It's not unusual to find yourself without a big social group at various times in your life. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you and it can change. Good luck.

I agree it should be natural. I just don’t know how to get to that point! Other people seem to get so lucky with friendships. They attract them so easily. I try and me friendly and open. Maybe I need to volunteer or something. Do an evening course.

Volunteering is a good way to meet people and they may become friends. You should have a common interest too. I would say only volunteer to do something you really have a heart for though, as you might start to feel put upon and I’m sure your time is precious as you have young children. When I moved to a new area it took me longer than I thought to make friends there. The school gate was as you describe: cliquey. I have a Christian faith and eventually made some friends by attending a local church. I later did voluntary work there & made lots more friends. It might be stating the obvious, but it must be far more difficult to make friends at the moment, with so many social groups not operating. My local newsletter has advertised a “Buddy up” scheme for lonely people, might there be something similar in your area?

Also, you won’t be the only one celebrating your birthday just with your immediate family this year. There’ll be other years, each with a birthday in them

Meetup.com or find social apps on your app store to meet friends.

How old are you OP?

I've come across many threads like this. There is a surprising number of us in the same boat. I joined up with some mumsnetters on a Facebook page which has been good to chat to people.

I am a member of a few other Facebook groups as well so that's a good way to meet people with things in common.

I have also got to know people in my local area by getting involved in local things and just going for a walk I see people to say hello to and you can get to know people this way.

It is hard to make friends as an adult and I suspect many of us have this same socially awkward or try too hard personality which is actually counter productive to making friends.

I was often the person who felt like I was asking friends to meet up or the first one to text but I have simply stopped contacting people who don't make an effort with me.

I don't feel short of friends at the moment and I think it is because I am not chasing anyone and I have relationships with people nearby and online plus a few friends I have known for a long time.