Excluded from family kids in the middle

[daisie70]

Hi
it's long standing years issue of the classic mum daughter and sibling triangle where I the sibling have grown up aware my mum and sister have allways been close and so many failed attempts to be involved but allways left out of a lot of things and last to know. now grown up at 49 and my baby sister now in her 30's it has been difficult but decided to just let them get on with it and I came away, I didnt want all the drama but it made me feel better.

This is going to be difficult to explain as complicated...my boys one late teen and other 13 lost their dad he passed recently which is sad and more sad he left us years ago but my sister is married to his cousin. since I kept away it has just caused more rift and uncomfortable to be around if I visit parents ect and i obviously let my boys go to funeral (i didnt go)but now as expected the family are all over the boys and my sister who ignores me and other members are showering the boys and they have come home saying what great time they had and everyone wants to see them more. I understand and accept that is nice but how do i go about this as they honestly have treated me so bad in the past and my youngest is being fed to believe i am the bad one. i would love more in the world to have a family that genuinely cared but allways ends up failed relationship as my sister and mum never really makes persistent effort and i just feel less anxiety and stress away from it. They have hurt me badly that i struggle with confidence and anxiety. My youngest now believes I am to blame which he is also greiving and has put a wedge to try help him when he wants to just be against me. I have said he can see them but it feels like a knife in my back as their kids are not encouraged to see me but I've got to again be the one who tries whilst they brainwash my boys and make them feel it's me that's the problem. I dont think this will get any better and I feel I'm losing my boys now. I want to move near my other sons where I am loved and needed but am trapped miles away as my younger ones dont and it would take me quite a while to save to move. this is effecting my mental health so bad and it's easy to say let them which I have said but I know it is not going to end well and making me ill

You need to talk to your sons. How old are they?

To be honest I would go to my Ex's funeral to support my DC.

If you can't talk to them yourself, then maybe try to get some family therapy. I hope you have told them some of why you have the kind of relationships you do. But also try to get them some support - some where outside the family that they can talk about the mixed feelings they are almost certainly having over their father's death. (People pretending he was great and you awful will not be helping them either.)
You also need to get some help with dealing with you low self esteem, feelings of being uncared for, and your toxic family background. It is not too late to properly deal with past truama.

If they are dripping poison in your teens ears, then it's time to sit them down and set the record straight and tell them the truth. Ask why they think you were to blame what has been said, they are old enough to know that the family are trying to turn them against you.

I think they do understand but I have brought them up to not take sides it is hard for them to see as I dont spend much optional time with family but I believe it's something they have to decide for themselves once they get to know them better. I have been up all night thinking and think it will just have to be one of them waiting games and just let it take its course I got to just hold it together and let them free to them I know it's a more personal issue to me and more I try to make them see me upset with it the more I probably push them to them. my boys hate conflict between the family and my so called family thrive on it so I'm not rising to it. Thanks advice support is interesting to know if this is best way x

You don't need to sideline yourself, the way your mother and sister have. Yes, in time the DC will make up their own mind about their family but you are their mum and deserve to have your truth heard. Of course be the bigger person in the sense that you shouldn't drip poison in their ears. But setting them straight on facts when they come back with some story is not that. Stand up for yourself, your boys need you to. If they only hear their family's version they won't be able to make up their mind fairly.

Your sons do need to learn that not everyone is nice, and that often one side can be right and the other wrong.
I would seek help for them - the younger one at least may well be able to access counselling through school. But also make it clear to them that what these people are saying is upsetting for you. That you love them but you don't want to hear any poison they hear.
Both sides do not necessarily have equal weight, and sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe in.

Thanks timestoodstill. It's been years and the only thing I can accuse is basically the hurt with their behaviour of singling me out and trying to make me feel belittled I guess I'm soft so my solution to not fitting in was just to come away and that's what mainly got up my sisters nose so she as the planner with birthdays ect never made me feel involved I would get the obligatory invite and sometimes not. so it's more a case as they hide this behaviour around my boys that they dont allways see what they do. and puzzles them into thinking it's more me although it's got to stage my mum says she is very angry with me as if I have hurt her feelings?? and then she tries to speak with my partner behind my back evidence of messages he showed me that she trying to say I'm making my mum feel uncomfortable it just goes on like that and play this stupid game that doesnt reflect to the boys. there was a time my eldest started to see it but as they are so nice to him he just tries to stay neutral except yesterday after funeral it was full on support and oh we here for you both you must come and see us and cousins wanting to catch up. so on one hand I'm like that's nice boys but on the other it's like a knife in my back.