Help me reply to my not DBro

[Sickoffamilydrama]

I'll try to keep this short but probably won't!

Our parents had a very angry toxic relationship, Dad drank to much and still does. Mum very emotionally immature, anyway Dad left DM for another women when I was 19 DBro was 13/14 I'm in early 40s now so a long time ago.

DBro has always struggled he kind of thinks the world owes him a living, he drinks to much and can be nasty angry and aggressive.

On my Dad's side there's a family business and DBro years ago worked in it but had to be sacked because of his behaviour.

I've always worked in a completely unrelated field but had got a lot of management experience so 7 years ago my dad suggested I retrain and then come work in the family business. I took a pay cut and went got experience in a customers business then came worked in the business took an MBA that started whilst my youngest child was less than a year old so safe to say I've worked at it not just walked in and now I'm a director in the business.

The business is linked to a family trust and for the last few years all the cousins have been getting £10k payout which is nice although not this year as Covid has caused lots of problems and a major supplier of ours has been having problems. We were very close to going under but I actually think we've pulled ourselves through it and that is partially down to me and my leadership, the family know about this as we wanted to make sure they were aware in case the worst happened.

So I have been trying to improve communication within the "family" who benefit from the trust most of them grew up going to events playing in the offices etc. Every 3 months or so I arrange a video call and update them on how we are doing my not DBro never attends these video calls and always makes a drama about it in some way.

Did one the other day he didn't attend which is fine and sent everyone so slides I'd shared basically our strategy and future plans.
I've now got an abrupt email from him basically taking the piss out of how I double barrel my name for work and use my maiden name ( which the business is called so bloody obvious why I'd do it) and saying why would I want to know this does it affect me or my children.

There is a huge back story of him always being.an arse I think I'm done but how do I make that clear without more drama?

Said I wouldn't be short!

Stop feeling like you need to prove yourself worthy. You are doing a good job, sounds like everyone else is happy with the arrangements. I'm sure you wouldn't be fussing like this if it was anyone else questioning you. Let him create drama elsewhere.

I'm sure you already have excellent accountants, lawyers and company secretary in place. Ensure everything is water tight.

Personally I'd delegate the regular reports to someone else but say that if there any specific issues the cousins can always contact you direct.

bitter because he doesn't have the lifestyle he wants but hasn't done anything to achieve that lifestyle

That's an exact description of both my brothers. My elder sister who calls them out and takes no shit has received physical and verbal abuse. Now we both ignore them. Funny that these brothers have the same opportunities as the sisters but put in no hard work or sacrifice, then get bitter with us who through hard graft make a modest success of things. Just ignore and disengage. There's no getting through to them

Crossed over with @Dozer yes both Dsis & I are familiar with the stately homes thread. It is actually partially down to the amazing women that we know it's ok to go low or no contact, what red flags are and loads of other things that our parents never taught us as they were to busy stuck in the cycle of hate or whatever you want to call it.

@OldBean2

My boss has a response to rude or unwanted emails that I have taken to using and that shuts down further conversation, "Noted.' I think that covers it, don't you?

Genius!

Thanks @Notonthestairs you are right that is the crux of it I'm always trying to do this I need to remember I am worthy.

Yes @JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth I'm honestly amazed that DBro was stupid enough to muck up the opportunity he was given, he could have been sat where I am now if he'd not been a dick. Glad I'm not alone and sounds like my Dsis and I she struggles not instantly respond and does get the nastier side of both Dad & DBro. I obviously learnt very young to keep quiet, she learnt to fight back. One thing I'm not passing this shit onto my children!

Congratulations on all your hard work in the business.

The sad thing is that your childhood experience and environment has massively affected your brother. I know you had the exact same childhood, but we're all different and some people suffer the consequences throughout their lives.

At a certain point, we have to take responsibility for our lives, but that's assuming one has the capacity to do so. Your brother had your dad as a role model of man, so it's no surprise he's a chip off the old block as a pp said.

He's taking out his frustrations on you...is probably jealous of you and isn't able to pull himself out of where he is.

That doesn't mean he can be nasty to you. Is he trying to suggest you should only use your maiden name or your married name?

You've succeeded in life and continue to thrive.

why would I want to know this does it affect me or my children?

Brief, inarguable, no drama:

"Have a read and you'll find out."

Silence is a response and the beginning of a boundary.

You are awesome and you need to remember that.

I don't know what he was suggesting @SandyY2K funnily enough my DM first response was to take the piss off me using it as well. I normally don't involve her in our arguments but asked her advise how to avoid an argument with him.

I do agree with you that childhood trauma has affected is all but yes he's now a mid 30s adult with children who need him to sort himself out.

Thanks @ladybee28 & @Aussiebean 😁

Well I have am interesting update...I followed most posters advice and didn't reply. Today I got a much friendlier email from DBro asking what it all meant for the future.
I've replied asking which part didn't he understand as we are doing a lot (which we are, we have a whole program of strategic change at the moment). I've seen he's emailed back pretty much all of it.
So that's progress I won't reply to him now and I'm tempted to say this is why I wanted to speak to everyone as it's a little more complex than everything is great, but I'll think on it.

Less is more!! The less you say the more he has to step in and up. Saying as little as possible is power. Keep it up 👍

Well done op. I was going to say that 'no response, is still a response' but see things have moved on. With this in mind I'd try and speak to him, as you would do any other share holder or customer. Keep it factual and businesslike. How it affects his family, that's something you don't know. All you can give him is the facts. Be pleasant but dint go into too much detail, it's his responsibility to attend the calls if he wants the info. I'd not go running round trying to accommodate him if he can't be arsed to attend any meetings.

@Sickoffamilydrama I probably need to put him in the mental box labelled nasty pieces of work and stop trying to understand why or expect a different response from him.

I used to send my (then) business partners email to junk. Set a rule up in outlook. It was great! He was a prick and I got him out but while I had to put up with him I had almost no contact with him apart from when I instigated it over something very specific. And he was working in the business too. The best thing I ever did was realise he was what he was and I could not expect human behaviour. In the end he was like some kind of reptile to me.

But I found by far the best way to deal with him was to treat him a bit shittily. Speak to him only when I had to. Ignore him unless he had something to say I wanted to hear. I hard to say it but these ones are only ok when on the back foot. The second you do anything for them or show kindness they are back to treating you with contempt.

Anyway polish up your cv and get your network going as non exec directorships are well paid and bugger all work. Actually thinking about it..,

Your brother is an idiot, but having only one family member work in the business is bound to cause resentment.

Thinking about it by offering you this great job is your father playing divide and rule.

There's more than 1 family member in the business but all are in various roles due to their previous skills/competencies.

DBro did have a role in the business but was sacked due to his attitude/behaviour. So I'm sure there's resentment there although it was probably 20 years ago, I expect he's not self aware enough to realise he behaved like a dick and was given an opportunity.

I actually don't think my DF is emotionally aware enough to divide and conquer also he never rubs it in anyone's face and it still upsets him that he had to sack DBro. More likely DF is a misogynist who thought that only the men of the family could do a business/ leadership role and he's realised over the last few years that Dsis & I are actually very good at both.