Help me open my eyes...

[TinySongstress]

About 2yrs ago I met a guy through work (although I don't work with him) and we had a brief but passionate relationship. There were feelings developing on both sides but it got intense very quick on both sides and ended in flames, essentially.

I wanted to talk it through and stay 'friends' (or at least civil) but he switched off completely, blocked me on everything and completely shut me out. It hurt a lot and I have been confused about it all since but put it to bed.

He's now suddenly back on the scene, a call here, a string of texts throughout the day etc. I saw him for the first time today- at his request- and the spark was definitely still there. He wanted to hug me before I left (I declined-Covid) and told me he'd really been working on himself a lot the past year, apologised for some of the things he'd said and done etc...

It's just caused this huge surge of emotion in me. On a really base level I'm still attracted to him but I can't get my head around the switch just flicking again, the hurt, rejection etc.

Please give me a dose of reality. Should I now be the one to block and move on? Not in a petty way but in a self preservation way?

My head is all over the place tonight.

Yes you should block and move on.

OP have you ever heard of the term ‘hoovered’ in regards relationships? It is action taken by a narcissist (which I suspect your Ex is) when they want to ‘hoover’ you up and back into a relationship. They will essentially ‘love bomb’ you with flattery and compliments telling you everything you want to hear, all with the single goal of hoovering you. Please search the terms ‘love bombing’, ‘narcissist hoover’ and ‘narcissist silent treatment’ because I think you would find the information enlightening.

Lock and move on, you don’t need this kind of pick you up and drop you just like that man in your life.

I'm never too keen on exes coming back, though they always do no matter whether I block them or not. From experience, Im 48, they tend to only be after one thing.
Whilst I am sure that he isn't a narcissist, he's a man who needs some special loving! I would suggest blocking him and moving on from this one. If you were to pursue it, you would always be wondering when the next rejection would come along and no one needs that in their life. There are 3.7 billion other men, give or take! Find someone else who treasures you enough to never want to reject you.

The dating scene is a little quiet at the moment, you know, local lockdowns and all that jazz - and he thinks you're a guaranteed shag.

Thank you everyone. Of course I know you're right.... that little rush of excitement waiting for the next message is weirdly addictive. I'm 40 too ffs!

The hoovering thing strikes a nerve.

He's probably just bored.🤔

Fooled you once; shame on me.
Fooled you twice; shame on you..

Ok I've blocked. I feel strangely sick, but not as sick as I think I'll feel if I get pulled in by him again.

Thank you vipers.

Never go back, if it goes wrong the first time, it will go wrong again. Though covid is resulting in people's return, only because they can't meet anyone else, good enough reason? That's for you to decide

Well done OP. He hurt you- don't let him hurt you again, and all the power be in his hands.

OP can I ask how did the relationship end in the first place?

I don’t agree that you can’t successfully get back with an ex, I know quite a few couples that have and are going strong many years later. However in your case the way he went about ending things the first time - in a very immature and heartless manner by basically ghosting you - would show me that he’s not worth trying with again.

We fell out because he has a female friend abroad who he talks to for hours every night and was coming over to see him. She was staying at his for a fortnight and he made it clear he wouldn't be able to see me at all for those two weeks.

Yes, I was jealous but tried to be understanding, until he asked me to take a pregnancy test not long before she arrived to prove to him I WASNT pregnant.
I do not have kids, have no wish to have them and had never professed, claimed or even hinted at having them with him- yet he required me to demonstrate I was not pregnant by him. I said he was being absolutely ridiculous I wouldn't pee on a stick to prove that I wasn't something I'd never claimed to be....and that's what caused the split, and subsequent ghosting.

@TinySongstress

We fell out because he has a female friend abroad who he talks to for hours every night and was coming over to see him. She was staying at his for a fortnight and he made it clear he wouldn't be able to see me at all for those two weeks.

Yes, I was jealous but tried to be understanding, until he asked me to take a pregnancy test not long before she arrived to prove to him I WASNT pregnant.
I do not have kids, have no wish to have them and had never professed, claimed or even hinted at having them with him- yet he required me to demonstrate I was not pregnant by him. I said he was being absolutely ridiculous I wouldn't pee on a stick to prove that I wasn't something I'd never claimed to be....and that's what caused the split, and subsequent ghosting.

What a bizarre situation. He sounds like a fruitcake.

Yeah by your update he sounds like an utter bampot. You've dodged a bullet.

Imagine telling your partner she cant see you at all for two weeks whilst some other woman stays at your house! What a prick. Clearly he was telling her he was single. Though I suspect he never actually confirmed you two were an item? (He seems the type to string along).

In future, dont 'try to be understanding' of wankers being wankers.

Good on you for blocking.
Might be wise to read up on narcissists so you can spot them in future. And maybe on narcissist hoovering tactics to look out for, incase he tries to con you into contacting him in some other way.

Well done on blocking him, OP. He sounds like a twat. You talked about the intensity. People who are dysfunctional can create great intensity and passion around them but it is without substance - without healthy substance anyway. Long-term it becomes very damaging.

Btw: there is no basis for understanding the situation you describe. That completely meant that he had given this other woman to understand that he was emotionally and sexually available to her and wanted you utterly concealed so he could pretend he was single and shag her for the two weeks of her stay.

Unless you were only FWBs (which you weren’t), there is no reason to accept or understand what he was proposing. And I speak as someone who has periodically - by happy choice - had an open relationship with my DH. I know how these things can be healthily and respectfully managed when all parties have consciously and willingly consented. That was not the deal in your case.

Good move OP, he sounds very odd. Who asks a current girlfriend to prove she isn’t pregnant under any circumstances, never mind at the behest of some random friend!