Possible stupid question and potentially triggering (subject involves rape)

[MrsRogerLima]

What do you do when almost 20years later it dawns on you that you were raped and witnessed the rape of others?

Someone I thought was a friend got me very very drunk when I was 18/19 and had sex with me. I remember saying no, but he did it anyway.

It sounds so stupid but it never even dawned on me at the time that it was rape. I know I didn't feel good about it and I was angry. I tried to get my own back by telling him I had Chlamydia as a result (this was a lie)

I now realise he did this to other women too and I witnessed some of them by walking in on them by accident.

I was clearly very very young and naive and feel very uncomfortable acknowledging it for what it is.

I have no idea where he is now and wouldn't/couldn't report him as I can't prove anything and it would go nowhere.

I'm just not sure what to do now.

Tbh looking back I can think of many situations I had when I was younger that would be classed as rape but I thought was normal at the time. I think most women can. Guys pressuring you till you said yes even though you didn’t want to, guys getting you drunk..

I know but what on earth do with that knowledge. I can't ever unknow it now and I'm not quite sure what to do.

It’s a hard one, There’s so many occasions I look back and know what happened was rape but I wouldn’t do anything about it now.

wouldn't/couldn't report him as I can't prove anything and it would go nowhere.

It's up to you but at least a record of it would be kept. Then it'd help any other women who report him in future. Who knows, someone might already have reported him.

I realized a few years ago that something I experienced when I was 15 was kind of sexual assault/coercion. It made me angry but also proud that I'd realized it. It can also strengthen one's resolve not to have anything like it happen again.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. You could see a counsellor about it if you think it would help. Speak to your GP, or see a private counsellor if you can and think it would help. xxx

You could speak with a service like Rape Crisis and get their advice and support. I'm sorry you experienced this.

@category12 I'll look them up category, thank you.

I think I'm a bit in shock at the realization tbh

It's up to you but at least a record of it would be kept. Then it'd help any other women who report him in future. Who knows, someone might already have reported him

This. Please report.

Report it if you want to and don't if you don't want to. And the choice of doing that or not remains as time goes on.

The first thing you need to do now is for yourself - put on your mask before helping others, type of thing.

Speaking to Rape Crisis is a good first step. Sometimes people find a chat with someone helps, others find it can be a bit harder/or simply take a bit longer. You didn't feel good at the time but were limited in how you could express that by a lack of social understanding about it meaning you simply didn't have the words. That the same for a lot of us: we didn't know how to frame it in a way that reflected the feeling.

Sending you love

I second the recommendation for rape crisis, but also counselling with a sexual abuse charity. I am having the latter for what happened to me over a decade ago. It’s never too late to get help. Best wishes to you.

Report it.
He clearly has a history of it and god knows how long it’s being going on for.

@TPS2009 in an ideal world I 100% agree with you. But I am unable to put myself through it with no evidence there would be no benefit and would just drag it all up and potentially put me back on his radar again which I really really do not want. We did not part as friends (unrelated to this incident)

I have enough going on in my life right now what with being a carer to a parent, a grandparent and a husband. It would also mean I would have to tell my husband what was going on and he doesn't need that right now as he has his own family worries.

2020 is a shit year for me.

Please don't judge me for not jumping to report this.

I read another thread which triggered the memory and the penny dropped.

Thank you to those who have been so kind and offered advice. I appreciate having you to talk to about it. It feels like a safespace.