Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to leave don’t I?

25 replies

TeddyIsaHe · 02/10/2020 21:22

I’m just so fucking sick of myself. Dp can be utterly horrendous at times, he’s very selfish, wants me to be this ‘ideal woman’ at all times - basically he wants me to have opinions and fire, but as long as they align with what he deems fine.

If I annoy him, he withdraws affection for days and days. If I question something he’s done he twists it and gaslights me.

We don’t live together (thank god) and I have given advice to so many women regarding their bellend dp’s, but now I’m living it I just can’t follow my own advice.

I love him. I really do. But I just want him to realise he is not the be all and end all and never admitting fault isn’t how 33 year old men should be. When things are good they are perfect, but when they’re bad they’re horrendous.

I know I have to leave him, I know that, but I just can’t not see him when we’ve both calmed down and it all starts again. Fuck sake

OP posts:
realist252 · 03/10/2020 04:10

Have you ever tried to talk to him about his behaviour and how it makes you feel? What does he say in response? Do you think he would be willing to try to change? Some men withdraw because they don't want the 'drama' of an argument, not necessarily to deliberately upset you

Anordinarymum · 03/10/2020 04:16

Well you can't live with him and that's a fact. He does not sound very nice. I could not stand the cold shoulder treatment. It would drive me bonkers, and anyway, life is too short for this sort of shit.

Coming on here and saying it is you admitting to yourself that something is wrong. That is your first step.

Dump him. You will eventually.

MashedSweetSpud · 03/10/2020 04:29

We don’t live together (thank god)

There’s your answer.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2020 04:32

I know I have to leave him, I know that, but I just can’t not see him when we’ve both calmed down and it all starts again. Fuck sake

Come on now. You never have to see him again. Stop making excuses and dump this twat. By text if need be and then you block. Stop being your own worst enemy.

dotty12345 · 03/10/2020 04:46

I did over 20 years of this, don't mistake it for something it isn't. Still affected more than 10 years later.

NiceandCalm · 03/10/2020 06:57

How long have you been together OP?
As you say, thankfully you are not living together so it's far easier to end things if you really want to. I know from personal experience it's difficult to let go when you still have feelings for them. If you don't think things will improve then the kindest thing is to set yourself and him free.

getsomehelp · 03/10/2020 07:54

I have given advice to so many women regarding their bellend dp’s, but now I’m living it I just can’t follow my own advice

Just stop.

Lougle · 03/10/2020 08:01

You don't even have to leave. You just have to stop seeing him.

differentnameforthis · 03/10/2020 08:02

He is abusing you. The stonewalling, the gaslighting... you are worth SO MUCH more.

Why stay when it is only 1/2 (or less) "perfect"?

user15412486546 · 03/10/2020 08:05

Don't confuse love with trauma bonding or familiarity.

And please for the love of god don't throw the next sixty years of your life in the bin for someone who is abusing you.

Dery · 03/10/2020 08:11

Dysfunctional relationships can be literally addictive - the highs are often more intense because of how shit it is when things are going badly and because of the relief you feel when he stops cold-shouldering you. A healthy stable loving relationship can at first seem dull in comparison. That’s probably why you’re finding it so hard to stay away. But you need to find that strength. Because staying trapped in this kind of relationship is so destructive to your health and well-being.

The best way to break the cycle is to get very busy. Easier said than done with current lockdown rules but there’s a huge amount you can do on-line if necessary. Take up some new hobbies. Learn a language. Take up crafts. Learn an instrument. Get busy and distracted.

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 05/10/2020 00:40

God he’s such a twat. We were having dinner at my friend’s house and he stormed off with full dramatics because he saw a text message pop up form someone he hates saying ‘nice’.

Literally that.

The person he hates is a man (of course!) who he thinks is in love with me. He’s not. He has severe autism and I’ve been using my knowledge of SN to help him secure a diagnosis.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 05/10/2020 00:41

How can someone be so fucking awful for no reason?? Why?

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 05/10/2020 00:44

Because you allow it is why

differentnameforthis · 05/10/2020 01:48

@Anordinarymum

Because you allow it is why
Get lost with your victim blaming BS!

Op does not allow this, the blame lies solely with her horrible "partner"

Op, you really do need to leave!

Windmillwhirl · 05/10/2020 02:40

Are you afraid you wont meet anyone else? Is that what is keeping you accepting this clearly wrong relationship?

Anordinarymum · 05/10/2020 02:48

@Windmillwhirl

Are you afraid you wont meet anyone else? Is that what is keeping you accepting this clearly wrong relationship?
I think abusive relationships create a dependency of sorts and make the victim feel they are worthless without the abuser, and that is how these abusers get away with their behaviour.

It takes a lot of courage to end a toxic relationship, especially when there are children involved and property etc. It almost makes you feel trapped and safe for the want of a better word. It's as if it is easier to stay then to leave.
I know. I've been there. And I did meet someone else too, but at the time I thought I would never want to be with another man ever again.

Monty27 · 05/10/2020 02:50

My sentence was 13 years i released myself 10 years ago
It wasn't easy but despite his begging i never looked back.
Be strong 👍

DeliaOwens · 05/10/2020 04:48

OP. Just tell yourself enough is enough. You are worth so much more than this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2020 06:35

What do you get out of this relationship now

Are you codependent in relationships?. Why do you want to fix him?
Why are you trying to rescue and or save him here? How do you know he is on the autistic spectrum, you may well be entirely wrong in that respect. He does not want your help or support, he hates women and wants you around only to abuse you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

All he is doing with you is dragging you down with him.

TwilightSkies · 05/10/2020 06:41

What is it you are waiting for OP?
He won’t change. He enjoys hurting you. He could stop anytime he wants but he doesn’t want to. He’s choosing to.

Was is it you love about him? Or was he nice to you at the beginning and you are clinging on to that feeling even though it isn’t there any more? The nice person he pretended to be at the start....

GertrudeCB · 05/10/2020 07:40

You cant fix him op, he ENJOYS being a shit to you and the drama / control it brings.

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 05/10/2020 07:51

I have finally seen the bloody light and blocked the twat.

Thank you for the talking to, sometimes even when you know it’s the right thing it’s still so bloody difficult to just do it.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 05/10/2020 07:54

Well done

veraismyspiritanimal · 19/10/2020 11:39

@TeddyIsaHe how are things going ?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page