New relationship after abuse

[mommabearxx]

Hi everyone,

I finally managed to get my abusive husband to move out 18 months ago. After a year of being alone I plucked up the courage to go on Tinder and start dating again.

I've met a lovely guy, he's got a child too and we have really helped each other. He's clam, kind, treats me well and is very devoted.

However, there are two issues:

1. He says he is incapable of loving someone other than his daughter.

1. He rarely wants sex, he recently confided in me that his ex used to call him Mr Floppy.

Everything is great, he's such a great guy but I cannot get past these two things. His beahviour suggests that he cares for me a lot (hes recently moved in) and I've seen the way he looks at me but it's as if he's scared to be vulnerable.

Regarding sex, we went away for the night and I got in the shower with him, i initiates sex in the morning but it feels like he doesn't want to.

My friends say he sounds petrified. I am
Trying so hard to make him feel comfortable and have told him that I have feelings for him that are very strong.

Does he sound like a lost cause? I don't want to get hurt x

Yes. He does sound like a lost cause

OP you've had a tough time & escaped an abusive relationship.

You don't need this.

Leave him. Now.

Have I read that right - he's moved in with you, after 6 months?

I’m sorry but I think you need to move him out again.

Whaaattttt????

How does this make him a great guy???

I think it’s your child and his child getting hurt that you need to consider here. You barely know him and he’s moved in.

Ermmm

Wow! A resounding response....I think there must be something wrong with me. The kids adore him. He's great fun and very chilled out. It's just the sex and affection....maybe I think I'm worthless. Maybe I think this is what I deserve.

This relationship needs to be at an end. He, this man who has problems with sex and affection, moved in with you 6 months in?. He needs to move back out. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further eroded here by this man and your own poor relationship decision making.

You need to be on your own now and you and he are perhaps each other's rebound relationship.

I would urge you to look at the Freedom Programme and love your own self for a change. You will thank your own self for doing so.

I think there must be something wrong with me

Yes there is. If you've moved someone in with your children that you've only known for six months - most of that time being in lockdown? - then there is something terribly wrong with your boundaries and your decision making around what is safe and right for your children.

Thank you. I am at a loose end and I am lonely, lockdown was so hideous that I think I got carried away with it all and enjoyed the attention.

We do have sex but he often finds excuses. He's an attractive guy, maybe he's getting it elsewhere and I am just a convenience for him. I'm moving house in a month or so, I'll give him some time to sort himself out.

Sex should be natural at this time and I shouldn't feel pushed away like I do. He says he's just not that into sex and it's because he's stressed.

What a complete disaster I am x

What do you mean when you say your child adores him? The child hardly knows him

Live from home. Wow, I came here for support....I feel absolutely terrible. As the kids liked him and I asked them about it, I thought it was ok. They really like having him around and are a lot happier. The issue is not about this, it's about the sex and affection.

I feel Like driving off a cliff right now. I feel utterly stupid and pathetic.

I feel Like driving off a cliff right now. I feel utterly stupid and pathetic.

You are not in the right frame of minD foR a relationship, which is why you're settling for this guy and his hurtful words, and why you rushed it so much. Focus on building friendships to Deal with loneliness.

Thanks Tracy. I needed to hear that. I feel like such a mug....I am going to focus on me for a while. Think I need some counselling x

I think that would be really beneficial.

When you come out of an abusive relationship, your boundaries and expectations are often a bit buggered. That's not your fault.

It can lead into accepting things in relationships that aren't really good enough, and I think because the previous relationship loomed so large and occupied so much energy, living on stress hormones, that people tend to rush into new relationships to fill that gap.

Did you do any therapy or the Freedom Programme after your marriage? Now might be the time to look into it, if not.

Thanks category, I'm guessing this is something you know about. Thank you for your kind words, I feel like a complete and utter failure tbh. I'm desperate to be happy, be loved.

In many ways, he's the opposite of my ex who used to pester me for sex and comment on how I looked. I guess I am going for someone who is the absolute opposite on purpose but it doesn't make this right.

I've already become attached to this guy, I really enjoy his company. I guess I think that I'm worthless on some level.

Thanks for being so understanding, it means the world xxxxx

Youre not a failure. You realised that the way your bf is treating you and speakiNG to you isnt ok with you. That’s success.

He doesn't sound good.

I got out of an abusive relationship then did online dating and met my OH. He's a safe, kind, gentle man. He has a daughter too. He said he loves his daughter which he does but his daughter can't give him everything, the love he has for me is romantic , it's different. Our sex life has never suffered either, he is always wanting to please me.

I don't think your compatible from those points you made. I'd keep your options open!

Hi Jellyto91, thats so good to hear and I am really happy for you. It's so hard to move on from an abuisve relationship.

My bf is a kind and gentle man also, he ticks so many boxes and can be loving. On some level, I admire the fact that he's been so honest with me. It would be easy to say, I love you and pretend. This is why I came on here in the first place, because I do think deep down there's something there.

I do however need to sort myself out and I'm
So wary of giving and pleasing too much.

How did you meet your new partner? How long have you been together?

Xxxxx

The problem is, sexual incompatibility isn't going to magically reverse itself - if it's not there, it's not there. In time, you'll find it more and more crushing to be rejected.

He has blatantly told you he doesn't love you, as well.

You deserve more out of a relationship than that.

You need to do the work on yourself so you get some good boundaries and place proper value on yourself.

You may have thoughts or history like -
"- Believing that you are fundamentally not good enough in some very important way. (Not pretty enough, or smart enough, or sophisticated enough, etc. )

• Being raised with unhealthy relationships, especially domestic violence, as your primary model.
• Being abused as a child, especially sexually abused.
• Having your wants and needs continually disrespected as a child
• Believing that you owe anyone who is “nice” to you a portion of your time and attention above a simple “thank you”.
• Thinking that saying “no” is rude.
• Being so starved for touch and/or love that you are willing to accept being treated badly or as an object in exchange for touch and occasional affection."

If any of that has resonance, for you, this stuff can be dealt with, but while you have those sorts of feelings about yourself, you're very vulnerable to further abusive or damaging relationships. It's very damaging to be engaging with someone who rejects you in fundamental ways.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme course.

You've fallen into the common trap women make after leaving an abusive relationship of assessing new partners by comparing them to the abusive ex. It rarely ends well because that's not a reliable frame of reference. As you've expressed yourself.

Abusive men can be polar opposites because they're different men and have different tactics and are in different stages of the cycle of abuse. Or as you've seen here, someone can be the opposite of your abuser but still not be right for you or a healthy choice.

And six months is way too fast - it denies you the chance to properly evaluate things when you rush.

Freedom Programme can help you reset your baseline for what a healthy relationship looks like.

Hope you can get the support you need.

Thank you Cateihory and User you have been so helpful and supportive.

I tried one last time to kiss him last night and he said he didn't want to. So I left the bedroom and went into my daughters room. She's not feeling great so I told her I wanted to check on her so not to arise suspicion for her.

I've sent him an email telling him that I'm fed up of the rejection and I want him to have a long hard think about what is actually going on here. I've told him that I need some space from him over the next few days then we need to have a serious chat.

I'm
Going to spend the day with my daughter who is off school and not feeling great. Later, I'm meeting a friend for a coffee and gym.

Xxxx