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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling insecure re: Dh & another woman

15 replies

NeedyLittleMe · 10/10/2007 21:57

I know this sounds bonkers as I know he has never & wouldn't have an affair, but I have it in my head that he just may.

I know, I have just contradicted myself totally

He never used to go out at all but now he & I have started an exercise regime & we have been exercising lots. He goes to classes on a Mon & Tue so I go on a Wed & Thur.

My problem is a woman that goes on Mon & Tue. She split with her dh a couple of years ago & has a reputation for sleeping with men who won't commit to her, ie: they don't interfere with her sons' lives. But she recently slept with 2 local married men.

Dh goes to these classes with my sister's dh (who happens to be this woman's cousin) but last night he innocently told me that he had partnered this woman... he really wasn't trying to make me jealous or anything, just said she partnered him...

I know he wouldn't do anything, in fact I don't think she would either, as she knows me.. but I feel really insecure & don't want to tell dh that..he'd think I was a wimp!

How do I get this into perspective & stop being such a possessive little girl!!

OP posts:

Original poster

NeedyLittleMe · 10/10/2007 22:09

I am being needy & stupid & have an overactive imagination........

OP posts:

Lazarou · 10/10/2007 22:12

Just tell him, in a light hearted way, to watch himself with her.
She sounds like bad news to me sleeping with other peoples husbands!
Also, just because she knows you won't make a difference to her from what you have said.
Alternatively, swap with him so you go on the nights that he normally goes.

EllieG · 10/10/2007 22:12

You are not stupid, but perhaps do have an overactive imagination - if you are feeling insecure, maybe you should talk to DP rather than let imagination run away with you? (Am only saying this cos I do exactly the same and it is always better to talk it out than when I sit there and worry)

Original poster

NeedyLittleMe · 10/10/2007 22:19

I can't swap as we go to different classes. He does harder workouts than me

He laughed last week when I told him to watch her as I had hear rumours about her. He told me it takes 2 to have an affair & that these men were to blame as well as her.

She sat in my friends dh's car at a football match recently as it started to rain. Friends dh got out of the car to get a drink for the kids & when my friend rang his mobile she answered his phone!!

I do know I'm being a idiot, but again, I am scared if I say anything to dh I may be putting ideas in his head or making him think I don't trust him.

OP posts:

Lazarou · 10/10/2007 22:27

Your dh sounds like he's got his head screwed on so I really wouldn't worry. This woman is making a right arse of herself isn't she?! Answering other peoples phones! Sleeping around and not being very discreet about it. If I was a bloke I wouldn't touch her with a bargepole.

HappyWoman · 11/10/2007 07:30

I know how you feel and the reassurances for your dp wont always work - my dh had an affair with the woman he described as ugly as sin!!!

You need to work on yourself now - you know (and so does he) that if you wanted you could pick up a one night stand, think about all the good things about you and know why he is with you. The ow may be able to pull a few men but can she really keep them?

I really feel for you as i have been there and been right but i am sure not all men are so stupid.

Original poster

NeedyLittleMe · 11/10/2007 09:49

Oh HW, how horrible for you.

Were you & your dh able to work things out?

I think with me, I have episodes of feeling crap about myself & am very negative in attitude. On these occassions I hate everyone around me, including my dh & I accuse him of looking at other women. I know I shouldn't, as he has never given me any cause for concern.

It was a little over a year ago that I felt like I was being taken for granted & felt like I stayed here & looked after the kids whilst dh worked a lot of hours (yes, worked... not as if he was with another woman!) & i almost did something silly on a night out. We talked about it & came to the conclusion we needed to spend more time on ourselves & our relationship as a couple, not just as a mum & dad. It worked for a while but right now I'm back where I started.. not wanting him talking to women, especially not this one as I just don't feel I can trust her.

Of course dh is a big boy & it doesn't matter whether I can trust her or not, it's him I should trust.

OP posts:

HappyWoman · 11/10/2007 11:40

We are working through it at the moment and like you we both now know that we need some us time. So we are giving ourselves lots of little 'breaks'. I do feel a bit guilty as it is not like me to be selfish and leave the children with sitters so often. But hey ho it is reminding me of who i am. My h too said he was working a lot (which he was - but not alone!!!!)

It is important to treat him like your best friend and of course there will be times you 'snap' but overall try and treat him well and with respect you will then feel better about yourself too. If he still chooses to not treat you with respect he will feel guilty and if there is anything going on then he will not be able to justify it with 'my wife treats me like ........'

We try and think about each other everyday now and do silly little things to bring the spark back.

It is not an easy road to take but so far it is not too bad and i am much happier than i have been for a while.

I hope you soon feel better too.

loopylou6 · 11/10/2007 11:57

aww needy, i totally see where u are coming from, grrrr i just hate women like this, from your description of hubby i dont think he would do anything, but im not so sure about her, im really not sure what u should do though, maybe tell hubby how u feel and put your best "little girl lost" eyes on maybe he might agree to change gym? i dont think your needy, i think u have every right to be concerned about this lady making innapropriate advances towards your poor unsuspecting hubby

cheeset · 11/10/2007 12:13

IMO, men don't like women who are too available, they are too easy.

Is this woman a real looker? She probably likes to flirt with men at the gym as its a good way to meet people but your man sounds like he's got his head screwed on.

In any case, if he's gonna do it, he's gonna do it! No amount of worring on your part will not make him do anything will it?

Your insecurities will make you seem less attractive and I don't mean in the looks dept but you will come across as needy. You could think to yourself well I might meet someone who is of the opposite sex and quite nice to chat to for the flirt value but you wouldn't do anything would you? It would just be a buzz and compliment to you if you somewhow 'pulled' if you see what I mean.

Washersaurus · 11/10/2007 12:20

Don't get too paranoid, but my DH has pretty much lived up to my fears with all the women(well the 3/4) that I have had fears/suspicions about.

(That isn't as bad as it sounds btw - we have been together since we were 17)

Have you spoken to him about your feelings?

ellehcim · 11/10/2007 12:23

I don't think you're being needy and insecure at all. You care about your husband and you don't want someone else trying to get her claws in.

DH and I met through an "affair". I think because I know he did it before (albeit with me!) I worry more that he might do it again. He however says that it was so bloody awful and stressful last time that even if things were really bad with us he would never do it again! (Not that he adores me so much he wouldn't dream of it!!!)

Personally I always find that the best thing I can do when feeling worried about this sort of thing is to try to spend some quality time alone together to show him how much you love him.

I'm sure everything will be fine xx

cestlavie · 11/10/2007 17:36

Don't worry about it. He sounds like a good guy and, let's face it, only really sees her at the gym with your SISTER'S dh... pretty limited opportunity for anything happening there I'd have thought!

Anyway, speaking as a guy, from the sounds of what this woman's like, at best he probably pities her/ finds her incredibly annoying (answering someone else's phone ffs) and worst thinks she's a cheap tart he wouldn't touch with someone else's even if he was single and desperate.

Original poster

NeedyLittleMe · 11/10/2007 20:47

Thankyou so much for all your messages.

My sister told me that her dh's cousin was only after men that weren't a threat to her children, so married men were perfect. Apparently she told her in the pub one night

But I do agree that dh is sensible.

I guess what's worrying me is that I was his first/only girlfriend/wife.

I sometimes wonder if he worries that he missed out on sleeping with other women by just marrying me & not 'sewing his oats' & I don't know how I would react tbh.

Part of me would be very hurt/upset/angry with him but another part of would just say "Well, what did you expect, he had to try someone else".

HW I'm glad you & your dh are trying again. This woman's dh left her for another woman so in the back of my head I think she is trying to hurt someone the way she's been hurt.

OP posts:

skidoodle · 16/10/2007 21:34

I have this image of your poor husband with a needle and thread desperately trying to sew his oats.

(so sorry, don't mean to correct a mistake. I make plenty of typos on here, but it's just such a cute one )

agree with you and all the others, your husband sounds sensible and nice and not at all likely to do anything.

you also sound like you have your head screwed on: you're right, you are being a tiny bit needy about this, but it's OK to be a person who's not perfect and sometimes feel a little insecure and threatened. It's not like you're asking him to stop exercising or anything. So give yourself a break.

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