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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Urgent help needed

12 replies

Lucc8765 · 02/10/2020 14:15

Basically, 4 months ago I met someone on a dating site, we exchanged numbers, he was asking about my soon to be ex husband and my child to which I replied with the question “have you ever been engaged, married, children” he said no I’ve never met the right women, I’ve always been cheated on etc, fast toward 4 months, we have spoken every day, he told me he loved me quite early on, we’ve exchanged pictures, voice notes, videos, he said he never felt like this before, I was the love of his life, spoke about how he would be a role model to my son, he asked me to be official with him, we would meet up and go to places like zoos, arcades, bars and he would class me as his girlfriend, things got deep, talking about future we would have, marriage, kids etc this was all coming from his mouth, Im a very anxious person and I suffer with anxiety I have been hurt badly so I can be skeptical at times, he’s always told me he doesn’t have social media, but something told me to check, before my eyes, a profile dating back to 2017 tied to a profile of a woman, with the same last name, his wife.. who was very active on social media and his whole life was there for me to see, I am utterly heartbroken he would do this to me after everything he said, I confronted him about it, he denied his wife and children about 5 times before blocking me off of everything, I reached out to his wife in a respectful way, she was very grateful, she said she had a feeling about something, she asked for evidence and I provided, she confronted him, he has deleted everything to do with me, how do I get through this?

OP posts:
GoneAndDoneItAgainAgain · 02/10/2020 14:17

Did you ever actually meet him?

ChaChaCha2012 · 02/10/2020 14:19

Have you ever met this man?

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2020 14:21

You get through it day by day, and you should be grateful you found out about him so early on.

... he told me he loved me quite early on, we’ve exchanged pictures, voice notes, videos, he said he never felt like this before, I was the love of his life, spoke about how he would be a role model to my son, he asked me to be official with him, we would meet up and go to places like zoos, arcades, bars and he would class me as his girlfriend, things got deep, talking about future we would have, marriage, kids etc this was all coming from his mouth

I don't mean to be harsh, but you should have been wary from the start, op. He was manipulating and love bombing you from the word go. There are so many massive red flags here it's shocking.

Passthewinebottle · 02/10/2020 14:24

Oh god how awful, what a c*nt of the highest order. I am so sorry. Just thank god you found out now and not further down the line.

It's going to take time to get over this betrayal, but at least you are free of him and his lies now xxx

Lucc8765 · 02/10/2020 14:25

I can see about the love bombing now, at the time I was so blind to it all and he was so convincing, he would look me dead in the eyes and tell me he loved me and I had no idea he was lying..

OP posts:
Lucc8765 · 02/10/2020 14:25

Yes we’ve been out quite a few times together..x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2020 14:31

Be on your own now, lick your wounds and love your own self for a change. You remain emotionally vulnerable to such approaches from low lifes like this man was and your boundaries in relationships need revising upwards and urgently. You are also still technically married to your ex H so stop looking as of now for a replacement man and instead work on healing your own self properly. Seek proper help for your anxiety if you have not already done this.

The red flags here were aplenty re him in terms of love bombing and manipulation and you ignored them all till your own instinct finally kicked in.

Passthewinebottle · 02/10/2020 14:32

@Lucc8765

I can see about the love bombing now, at the time I was so blind to it all and he was so convincing, he would look me dead in the eyes and tell me he loved me and I had no idea he was lying..
I'm afraid to say I would have fallen for it too, hook, line & sinker. Well, I'm talking 20 years ago, pre-DH x
Lucc8765 · 02/10/2020 14:36

So reassuring to hear others have been in the same position, I’m just hurt for his wife and family more than anything because I was raised correctly and I would never ever be with a married man, I was so open about my abusive husband he knew everything about me honestly, he’s also told me so much about his life that his wife has confirmed is all true, about his childhood etc

OP posts:
Lucc8765 · 02/10/2020 14:37

All of the personal stuff he told me was never lies, right down to his dogs name, but he never ever gave the impression he had a family

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2020 14:41

"I was so open about my abusive husband he knew everything about me honestly, he’s also told me so much about his life that his wife has confirmed is all true, about his childhood"

Forget him now and move on with your own life with your child.

Love your own self for a change!!!.

Telling him about your abusive H so early on too was an absolute gift to him and one which he further used against you for his own ends. I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom programme that Womens Aid have online. Men like your abusive H take an awful long time, even years, to recover from, hence me suggesting this programme. It could be an eye opener for you.

I would urge you to not date anyone else until your boundaries in relationships have also been raised a lot higher than they have been to date.

widespreadpanic · 02/10/2020 20:45

He used your vulnerability to his advantage.

I’m sorry this happened to you but the good thing about this is that you now know to look out for a man that love bombs you early on.

And I’m speaking from experience as I’ve fallen for the love bomber too a couple of times myself.

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