Forgotten anniversary

[Anotherdayanotherdisappointmen]

What does it say about a marriage when neither spouse remembered it was their anniversary today until a friend reminded them?

That youre in a marriage just like mine.

Sorry you're in a similar situation @Ohalrightthen.
Tbh I'm not even upset..just the realisation that wow, its well and truly dead isn't it.

@Anotherdayanotherdisappointmen

Sorry you're in a similar situation *@Ohalrightthen*. Tbh I'm not even upset..just the realisation that wow, its well and truly dead isn't it.

Oh, no that wasn't what i meant. A wedding anniversary isn't a big deal really, the marriage itself is the important thing.

Oh, well I'm glad you're not in my situation then .
To us for many years it was important because we don't really celebrate birthdays anymore so it was the one thing we did celebrate.
The marriage is basically non existent anyway. We at the very least would've remembered and said happy anniversary even if no celebrating.
I couldn't care less anymore and neither can he.

So no-one would've bothered?

The marriage is basically non existent anyway.

I’m sorry about being in that situation. However , I’d find this more upsetting

My H and I never celebrated - we only remembered our FIRST because my mum sent us a card!

But if you've previously always celebrated and now haven't, then that's obviously different.

Do you want to save things?

Can you end things?

I've tried ending things but there's a million excuses why not to then we slip back into just trudging along.
My dc are autistic and they would not cope well at all, even so I have suggested he move out but there are financial issues and now due to covid it seems impossible

Have you / would you try therapy or couples' counselling? I'm sorry you're having a shit time.

I have to also admit that I have very bad anxiety and even though I have asked to completely separate, it scares the hell out of mmeand when he refuses I silently slip back into just being civil to each other.
We don't sleep together but we will do the grocery shopping together or go for meals as a family etc..and then it gets confusing.
But neither of us care clearly?

@sharpeidiem yes I would and we were on a waiting list before covid...now I dont know whats going on

Not necessarily recommending this as it's a very individual choice, but if you were both keen on the idea of staying together and having a family dynamic while still having romance / sex you could consider an open relationship. It either might improve your home life, or be the final push to end things. I don't have one and am not necessarily recommending it, but it might be something you could look into.

Up to you though, I've got anxiety too so I can guess how difficult the concept of divorce / separation would be practically. x

He would never be up for an open relationship. Tbh I'm not even looking for a new relationship, I'm stuck in this one

@Anotherdayanotherdisappointmen

He would never be up for an open relationship. Tbh I'm not even looking for a new relationship, I'm stuck in this one

Feeling like you're "stuck" is a sign that it's not even really a relationship anymore. What are the steps you could take to disentangle your life from his?

I'm not sure as I am the primary parent( if that's the right word). I work from home part time so I'm here to pick them up and make them dinner etc..so I wouldn't be the one moving out.
I've asked him tonight about counselling as he's the one who arranged for it through his work..and apparently for the last 6 months he's been meaning to ring them to actually book it.
Its things like this, he's the one who wants to save the relationship and yet he cba to make the effort to do anything.
He is having financial issues right now so I know for a fact that he can't move out.
I asked him if he wants to stay in a dark marriage forever and he says yes as it best for the children.

He is jot bothered about dating anyone else.
I am but I won't consider it like this. Who the hell would be crazy enough to date a woman who still lives with her husband?
And I don't want just a casual relationship..I've been lonely for years i actually want a partner not a random.ive accepted i won't ever have it though.

Just an update..he came into my bedroom ( he sleeps into he spare room) with some pressies that he's picked up from tkmaxx yesterday. (Fwiw i like tkmaxx), however it was the biggest bunch of random crap ever.
A bag in a colour and shape that I would never like. A brand of hair straighteners that he knows I wouldn't like as they never work on on my super thick super curly hair. And an ab wheel thing. Another thing that I wouldn't like because I workout at the gym and outdoors and have never used this type of stuff.
I dont know why he did it as I wasn't upset I just stated that it was weird that neither of us had remembered. He knows that I wouldn't have got him anything either.
He knows what I like and what I dont like and that I'm very particular, in years gone by hes got my exactly what I liked..its like he doesn't know me anymore. And I dont get why he even bothered??

Maybe the present are rubbish because he couldn't afford anything better and he went for a mass of quantity rather than quality?

I'll be honest. My mum was passive aggressive and this is what she would do. She would buy highly perfumed moisturiser for a present when I've got sensitive skin. One time I told her I hated wearing orange because it didn't suit me so she got me an orange onesie? Just all the time, presents like that.

Do you think it's money issues or passive aggressiveness? Honestly.

Because the presents aren't totally awful, you do use handbags, straighten your hair and work out?

At least he’s trying. Or trying to try.

Hes not really trying though, its as though that stuff was for another person. In 15 years that we've been together hes always bought me exactly what I wanted or would've liked.
I didn't get him anything I know.
There's no love or affection between us anyway so I dont see the point in him getting me anything.
Its as if hes got it just so he can say look I did get you something.
We're talking just fine and its a normal day with the dc activities, I've just made him a cup of tea he asked for etc..im not angry at him for it just confused.