NC for this but regular poster.
For context and because I know people ask I’m a woman, ex is a man.
We had a short but very intense relationship earlier this year that his ex of around a decade was not happy about - they’d been broken up for a year but not yet divorced. She messaged him various tirades of abuse about me and emotionally guilt tripped him, generally interfered and made our lives very difficult. Aside from that it was an intense and unhealthy situation as we decided to quarantine together very soon after meeting and both have our own mental health issues, so I am very aware that even without the presence of his ex this fling had a lot of issues.
But he would indulge his ex’s rants and talk about how he felt emotionally responsible for her and I felt so let down that he seemed to prioritise her feelings over mine.
The thing I’m struggling with is that he’s told me the extent of the abuse she subjected him to throughout their marriage, including stealing hundreds of pounds from him to fund a drug habit, being physically violent to him, punching her own mother in the face in front of him, cheating, and general emotional manipulation and crocodile tears to reel him back in. He admits he was codependent and has low self esteem but the penny has only just dropped about the extent of her unpleasantness because he found out today that she’s been seeing someone else since before their marriage even ended (which she ended, btw).
Now, I KNOW abuse is never the victim’s fault, I know women stay in situations like this for years because of conditioning and loss of self esteem, I’ve even done that myself although in shorter and less volatile relationships. I am not in any way victim blaming him, I read these boards a lot and would never minimise abuse having suffered it myself (emotionally and sexual coercion, not physically). But I’m struggling with the notion that it took so much for him to see the light. That he continued to defend her and prioritise her over me despite her awful behaviour. I feel very sad for him that it was so hard for him to extricate himself, but I also feel strangely vindicated that the penny has dropped (I and several of his friends and family said all along she was toxic and he should cut her off).
I’m struggling with all the things I’m feeling because I don’t want to minimise the abuse he suffered of victim blame him but part of me is just incredulous that none of that made him want to leave her, and I feel guilty for feeling that. I’m not sure what I’m asking for here, I guess I just needed to vent.