Girlfriend left me , how to move on?

[Ry151]

Hello Mum's net hope you're all well
Bit of a back story, my girlfriend who I've been with 5yrs left me 3 months ago due to a number of things mainly the way I was towards her which I, of course, regret now I was not as affectionate as I could have been and I didn't ever hardly treat her, etc which I of course fully regret now but I have really worked on myself and its been a hard lesson as I will never be this way again I actually get embarrassed at how I was at times.
She is now with someone else which of course breaks me I mean it kind of makes me happy that she's happy but knowing another man is with her it makes me so hurt.
She said she really likes him and he treats her amazing and then the other day before we fully cut contact she told me she loves him so much etc which I know she said this to hurt me as I know she doesn't as a week ago she was telling me she wanted to cuddle with me in bed and for the past month shes been seeing this guy shes been meeting me at least once a week in the car and we always end up kissing and on nights out shes told me she loves me and literally 24hrs before meeting this guys family she was sat on my knee kissing me after a night out as she asked me to pick her up but now shes madly in love lol but I know its just a rebound.

Anyway we have now fully cut contact and moving on as she apparently loves this guy but it is sad because I tried for 3 months to sort us I told her we could be amazing now and I begged and pleaded for 3 months but she just wouldn't get back with me. So now I am obviously majorly depressed and hate life I just don't see how I will ever move on as I love her so much and think of her every second im getting told it will get easier and pain will go but I cant see it. I am also quite introverted not by choice I just don't have a lot of family or any friends really anymore I also have no confidence so how am I meant to meet someone new ever? I am just very scared, hurt and worried as tbh I do want to move on now as she will never come back as much as I can hope shes not going to.

How can I move on when I hardly go out as I have no one? and Will the pain really go and get easier?
All advice appreciated thank you

I was in your place years ago. My ex left me after 10 years. He told me that I was unlovable and no one would ever want me. The pain was excruciating. I thought I would die from it. It does go with time. But it takes a while and it goes backwards and forwards
Things which helped me were: counselling, going out as much as possible ( I took every opportunity and tried every new thing I could think of), lots of exercise which helps a lot and I got a lodger so I wasn’t alone in the house. Don’t be in touch with your ex at all. Even rearrange your bedroom. Get a haircut. Be a new you. There are loads of great people in the world and you will be compatible with a lot of them. There are lots of great experiences just waiting for you!
Go on Tinder when you are ready but I don’t think you are just yet.

By the way I’m married to someone else who is much nicer and I have kids now. If you’d told me that at the time (I was single, 30 and suicidal) I would never have believed it.

@Mistlewoeandwhine

By the way I’m married to someone else who is much nicer and I have kids now. If you’d told me that at the time (I was single, 30 and suicidal) I would never have believed it.

Wow, that's amazing! I am very happy for you and I hope I find that someone very soon as I hate being single if I am honest :( I just want to be happy and have an amazing relationship. I am only 24 so plenty of time but I really don't want to be single for years.

It’s sad that you lost her and didn’t treat her how you would now, but at least you are
Holding your hands up and admitting that. However, she’s not being very fair. She’s left you, but is texting you, you, Meeting and kissing you.. she wants the best of both worlds! She’s enjoying herself with this new
Fella but wants the security of you there too, you are worth more than being the other man to somebody you gave 5 years to. This also says a lot about her as a person, would you want to be with her really knowing how easily she has cheated on this other guy that she apparently loves (yeh right)..

Use this as a learning curve and what to do in your next relationship. And there will be one. Not every woman likes a loud mouth man who’s massively confident.
Plenty of women go for shy quiet nice normal men.

Your very young, you will meet lots of people on your way. But being pro active about meeting new people (as you said you don’t have many people) what about joining some classes? Like gym, gym classes? Where you an start speaking to people, look online in your local area too there maybe something that jumps out to you. Are you studying or are you in work? Could you get friendly with any lads at work that you could go out with? Or if you are studying could you get a part time
Job like watering or bar tending, I did these jobs in my early 20s and it would be common after our shifts for the team to go for drinks etc together, it’s that kind working environment.

There is also online dating, but I do think forming friendships with people first would be better, so that when you get a girlfriend all your eggs aren’t in her basket.

Don’t beat yourself up, the past is done, You changed yourself
You begged for another chance and she’s found somebody else. She will most likely come crawling back in 2-3 months when that relationship ends, be strong.

All the best! X

Waitering, not watering

Look at it this way: you've been 'begging her for months', to get back with you and what does she do? Tells you she is in love with another fella. Why would she do that? Either she is a total bitch OR she is so pissed off with you not taking no for an answer, that she felt the need to act like one in order for you to get the message.

If she was really talking about wanting to be cuddling you in bed just last week...then it looks like it's the former. And therefore, you have dogged a bullet.

You are only 24 and havent been single since your teens so as much as it hurts rn op, it might be a good thing for you. It's good to be able to be comfortable being single. People who cant be single...it suggests codependency issues (not suggesting that for you atm as you are newly single and its bound to be an adjustment). Take some time as a single man because the reason that it is difficult for you is the very reason why you should.

Another woman will come along in time. For now, grieve and move on and work on being happy in yourself, by yourself.

@HumptyD

Waitering, not watering

Thank you very much for your advice and words of encouragement. With regards to the gym, I am actually into bodybuilding so I go to the gym 5/6x a week and take it very seriously and I will admit there are some nice girls in my gym and some do make eye contact but of course, that means nothing and in a gym environment its kind of hard to approach a girl and yeah about her coming running back in a few months time I think this too my dad also said the same as she clearly does not love this guy its just lust because he's treating her good plus she was getting angry at me for liking another girl picture the other week going crazy so if she loved him that would not bother her.

@SonEtLumiere

I know the next questions sound harsh but they are meant genuinely.

Why couldn’t you treat her properly the first time? Why is she only worthy of nice treatment when she is with someone else?

This is called reeling back in. It doesn’t sound like you want her but you want somebody and you think she might be the most likely to go out with you. Honestly, just read what you’ve posted and ask yourself is this about her being special or him just avoiding feelings he doesn’t like.

If you want a girlfriend then you are going to have to go out. Don’t you have any other friends?

Because I got so stuck in my ways and like an idiot never actually changed even though she gave me numerous chances to and it should not have taken this for me to change. Believe me, I do want her I love her with every inch of my soul and this is why I'm so hurt and depressed I would do ANYTHING to have her back if someone said £10,000,000 or to go back in time change yourself and have an amazing relationship with her, I would choose her. Unfortunately, I generally do not have any friends as sad as it sounds and thats another thing that put a strain on us, my old friends all grew up and moved abroad and friends I do have are not actually friends there into drugs and only call me when they have no one else.

Sounds like it's time for a fresh start then op.
Because the relationship wasn't working and is unlikely to have worked if she came back anyway.

Maybe join some meetup groups and get out and about to meet people. And start talking to people in the gym, sounds like you could make some friends there. Also, I dunno if it's really a guy thing but there apps for forming friendships as well as dating. Bumble does a friend section for example.

Take this as a catalyst to make changes. At least, the ones you want to make.

@Bunnymumy

Sounds like it's time for a fresh start then op. Because the relationship wasn't working and is unlikely to have worked if she came back anyway.

Maybe join some meetup groups and get out and about to meet people. And start talking to people in the gym, sounds like you could make some friends there. Also, I dunno if it's really a guy thing but there apps for forming friendships as well as dating. Bumble does a friend section for example.

Take this as a catalyst to make changes. At least, the ones you want to make.

Yeah, I think I am going to start using tinder in the next month or so see what happens as I know plenty of people meet on there. My sister met her forever partner on there and my ex in question met her new guy on there.

Well they say it's good to get over one person by getting under another lol. But op, you are newly out of this 5 year relationship so please make sure you are over it (at least largely) before looking for another serious partner. There's nothing worse than finding out someone you like who claims to like you, is infact just using you to fill the void left by their ex. Apart from perhaps, being the person doing the using.

Date a little, have some fun for a bit!

@Bunnymumy

Well they say it's good to get over one person by getting under another lol. But op, you are newly out of this 5 year relationship so please make sure you are over it (at least largely) before looking for another serious partner. There's nothing worse than finding out someone you like who claims to like you, is infact just using you to fill the void left by their ex. Apart from perhaps, being the person doing the using.

Date a little, have some fun for a bit!

Yeah absolutely! I would never use anyone its not in my nature not purposely anyway. As it seems this is what my ex has done, jumped straight into another relationship just to fill my void and have fun especially when she was meeting up with me kissing me, etc up until a week ago. I mean her new relationship might last but it is 100% a rebound and they never usually do.

I wouldn't date until you've done some work on yourself OP, you claim you really want her back, but didn't you realise your awful behaviour during the relationship would have consequences? If you go around treating women badly you'll always end up single. Don't put another poor girl through it.

I'm sure she isn't perfect either, but to me it sounds like you're just jealous she's moved on. What did you expect?

A relationship with he (or anyone else) isn't the answer to your problem. You need to work on your social network and build some friendships - it's really unhealthy to rely on one person. It's too much pressure and it's not good for either party.

@SonEtLumiere

I would do ANYTHING to have her back

It doesn’t work like that, you weren’t prepared to do anything to make sure she didn’t leave in the first place. It isn’t fair to use her as a prop to get out of your depression, or to get away from your druggie friends.

This is your problem to fix. You are much better off forgetting her, working on yourself and starting with a fresh relationship in a couple of years. You should make the choice not to be in a relationship at the moment. Don’t inflict these feelings on someone else, work through this with decent people and become a better person. You are still running away from the pain, rather than accepting she was dead right to dump you.
This is about you, not her.

Its called we all make mistakes.. but it is too little too late in this case. I know she was right to dump me I never implied she was not but this does not stop me wanting her back and doing anything to get her back.

Look we all make mistakes and I truly believe if she did give me another chance instead of moving on we would have been amazing as I really now know exactly where I was going wrong and what to do differently. But like I say toolittle too late.

Op I’ve been in your position. My ex left me when I was 26. I was devastated. The best thing that happened to me was when he blocked me on everything. It bloody hurt and I was bloody angry.
I had a couple of months where I went a bit mad and just started shagging around and going out. I was actually having a ball. I had a few friends with benefits and I started to have fun again.
6 months later I was made to go in a training session with another department in work. There I met someone who I fancied straight away. I knew one of his colleagues quite well so found out a bit about him and we started talking over email. A few weeks later I asked him for a drink. We went for our first drink 12 years ago next week.

He’s my soulmate. We’ve had the best life, travelled, got married 8 years ago and now have 2 beautiful children and a lovely home.

My ex was not the right person for me.

If you want my advice... you’re 24. Don’t rush into anything f for the sake of being in a relationship. You know you made mistakes. Learn from them. Enjoy yourself and the right person will come along when you least expect it xxxxx

I too think you are explaining away your past behaviour to easily. You say she gave you plenty of opportunities to change but you chose not to. You need to understand why you chose to behave why you did because it’s easy to make promises when your own heartbreak appears to be your motive to change.

@AgentJohnson

I too think you are explaining away your past behaviour to easily. You say she gave you plenty of opportunities to change but you chose not to. You need to understand why you chose to behave why you did because it’s easy to make promises when your own heartbreak appears to be your motive to change.

I get what you mean. That is not my motive as such to change, I have changed because I want to be a better partner to her or whoever of course the breakup made me realize everything but my own heartbreak is certainly not my motive if anything my motive was because I wanted to be a better partner to her and treat her how I should of because I love her.