Splitting up while in the same home

[Joder]

Hi
I'm with my husband 20 years now and we have 2 small boys, 8 and 10.
We're just not getting on lately for numerous reasons I won't bore you with but the main one being he is never there and I'm on my own with the boys 24/7.
I am thinking very hard about splitting up with him but we have only just built a new home (4 years ago) with a large mortgage / home loan.
Moving out is not an option for either of us.
The house is quite big though so we could have seperate bedrooms and living room areas.
Has anyone ever tried living like this before?

Sounds quite confusing for your children and neither of you would be able to heal and move on

I have 3 sets of friends splitting while living together and I can tell you now it won't work. One set, very amicable, stayed in the house for a year for financial reasons but it was very difficult for the kids ( same age as yours) and confusing for them, and it was all less amicable once new boy/girlfriends came on the scene.
the other 2 have been HORRENDOUS - one it was mutual but still has turned nasty over kids/money/new boyfriend and the other the DH was getting dumped ( similar reasons to you ) and he could not accept it.
They are still living together while trying to sell house and it's been a nightmare, and the kids are in the middle.

If you split then you need to find a way to separate and move on with your lives. If the house wasn't an issue would you choose to still live with your ex??

Yes and it was horrendous.

I also know of people who have done this and its not worked for any of them either. Its confusing for the children and actively stops the two of you from being able to move on with your lives. Indeed would you want to continue to live together if it was not for this house?.

Would seek legal advice as soon as you can.

Don't do it

I know someone who has done it and it worked very well for around 8 years.
However the wife worked away a lot of the time, it was very amicable and they both had new partners etc. They didn’t really spend time in the house together. When the children reached a certain age, they sold the house and went their separate ways.
It can work but I’d say it’s hard and very unusual.
They need to discuss things like money, new partners, etc and get all that out of the way first. At the end of the day you split up for a reason and if you still live together and see each other what’s the point.

Thanks for the replies.
I would want us all together for the children, as DH is never there, I can't see it affecting the boys too much (I hope).
We don't argue or there isn't any tension. We're just more like flatmates than husband and wife.
I really don't want to meet anyone else. I'd be quite happy on my own relationship wise.
I really can't see DH being too bothered either as he's all work no play.
He has a working garage in the garden where he spends all his time working which is why we never see him.

I don’t normally agree with staying together for the kids op, but if you plan to stay living together, don’t want to get into another relationship, and you very rarely see your oh anyway, is there actually any point in breaking up? You may aswell carry on as you are, without causing loads of upset for the kids for nothing

I am in this situation plus an elderly relative. He has no job now so cant really move out. We have seperate rooms , separate bathrooms and two living areas. I t worked OK when he was out all day. But now, everytime I look at him , I think of his cheating and annoyed.
Try it with no promises that you wont ask him to leave at some point.

Is this denial? So you want nothing to change except you aren't officially in a relationship. Neither of you can be bothered with the relationship you're in, but one of the lovely things about being single and accepting it, is the potential for something new. I think it's very presumptuous to think your ex will just stay single. Tinder is a fingertip away.

Also, your kids may see more of their dad as he will have set days with them (hopefully) so in this situation that could be a plus for their quality time.

No matter how lovely this house is, your own home will give you freedom, this one sounds like a prison for everyone.

Joder

re your comment:-
"I would want us all together for the children, as DH is never there, I can't see it affecting the boys too much (I hope)".

But it will and the two of you cannot hide your antipathy towards each other. They can and do pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken. So whose sake are you really staying for because its really not theirs, more like yours because its somehow "easier".

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

I would urge you to move on with your own life because so many people are so afraid to do so. They use the children to mask their own paralysis and fear to move on. Do not assume that you do not want another relationship or assume either that your DH won't meet anyone else going forward.

Do not use your children like this; after all you two provide the blueprint for their future relationships. Do you want to teach them that a loveless marriage is their norm too?. If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.

Do you want to teach them that a loveless marriage is their norm too?

You hear this all the time on hear, but I can think of plenty of friends whose parents had shit marriages but who have formed happy, healthy long term relationships in adulthood.
I personally suspect that the relationship you have with your parents has more influence over the type of relationships you choose.
I certainly think that was the case with me.

Our old neighbours brother confided in me at a party, never met him before, and he must have had a few to drink, that he and his wife had split up, but continued to live in the same house, as neither could afford to move out.

They agreed this. His wife got a boyfriend who moved in, and he was OK with it, as he soon got a younger girlfriend ( he mentioned this point)

But the guy, told me, he wasn’t happy, and wanted to get back with his wife, as it wasn’t the same with his girlfriend.

He was upset it was all one big mess.

I’m not sure if they had children, I have no idea whatever happened.

Best of luck, but I imagine it would be very difficult, and I’ve read many times, that the splitting up part is a very dangerous time for women, as you never know how they’ll react.

From what you've described, I don't see the point in splitting up if you don't plan on having another relationship, and you want to stay living with him.

I'm not sure what would actually be different to how you already both live now

When me and my ex split up we lived separately in the same house and to be honest with you, in my case, nothing changed apart from he went out and did his own thing, when he wanted (which I suppose was how it was when we were ‘together’ and I was doing all the things I was doing previously.

It strained an already strained relationship between us and we argued more and more u til one day I had had enough and he went to live with his mum until he found somewhere else.

Living together made me incredibly unhappy, I felt used and felt like he was having me do al the things I did for him before ( washing clothes, food, transport, having his other kids to stay) and he was doing what he wanted on his ‘child free’weekends (even though we have a child together) because we were now separated.

I’d take legal advice if I were you, see if you can afford the house yourself or consider moving. It’s really not worth the headache.

Having to stay under the same roof with someone you are splitting from is deeply unpleasant, even if things are reasonable amicable. Planning on it lasting for the longer term is madness in my view, and provides a very poor model of family life for your children. If you are unhappy enough that you don’t want to be married to yourOH any more, the. It makes more sense to explore options that will allow you to split up and sell up.

I'm doing this now and it's a nightmare. I'm hoping it's only for a few months until our house is sold but I can feel the life being sucked out of me every day. Not recommended unless absolutely necessary and even then only for the minimum time.

@Scweltish

I don’t normally agree with staying together for the kids op, but if you plan to stay living together, don’t want to get into another relationship, and you very rarely see your oh anyway, is there actually any point in breaking up? You may aswell carry on as you are, without causing loads of upset for the kids for nothing

I thought this

I had a platonic, housemate style marriage where we didn't argue. We split and had to live together for a while. It was bloody awful and I couldn't wait for it to be over. I dated, he didn't. Ex had wanted us to work it out, I didn't. I didn't fully recognise him at times as he was different towards me at times. He thought everything would carry on as before, as in me sitting with him etc after DCs were in bed. I never did and stayed in a different room. Getting him to even knock in the bedroom door before walking in was difficult enough.

It's not worth it tbh.