Marriage ending...wedding anniversary

[dippyegg32]

In a nutshell - We're in separate rooms and discussing divorce. It's suppose to be our wedding anniversary on Wednesday. What do I do? Blindly ignore it? Seems so awkward.

That's very sad. Could you talk about it together and see what you both feel comfortable doing. Or if you think that your marriage is worth saving could you use it a a chance to go out together and work out some of the issues.

If you think the marriage is over and you both want out then ignore the anniversary. There's nothing to celebrate this year.
However if either of you still have hope the marriage could be restored then that's a different matter and worth thinking about doing something on Wednesday.
Very difficult time.

It completely depends on the context. It is absolutely OK to acknowledge it together and spend time grieving separately or together. I know a couple who still text each other something to mark the day on their anniversary many years after divorce because if they hadn't suffered so many miscarriages they might have still been going strong. There are no rules.

I'm all for saving the marriage if possible though!

I had the same with 'D'H back in July, we've been in separate rooms for years and really don't like each other but can't afford to divorce.

He bought me a card, I did not get one as it's really not something to celebrate as far as I'm concerned. He left his on the side, I pretended I hadn't seen it. I found it ripped up in the bin the following morning which gave me a smug sense of satisfaction. But I sense I'm far more bitter than you OP. I hope Wednesday goes as well as it can without too much awkwardness.

Thanks for the replies.

He wants to stay together and vows to "do anything". I've mentally checked out however. The loves gone, the attraction has gone, the fun has gone.

Been married 3 years, together 9 years, two kids.

If you don't ignore it, you might give the impression that you want to try to save the marriage. And it doesn't sound like you do.

Our 25th wedding anniversary coincided with the discussions leading up to separation and divorce. I ignored it, he bought me a beautiful silver locket to put pictures of our DC in. He wanted to celebrate the fact that our marriage, though it was ending, had produced these marvellous people. I thought that was wonderful so dashed out and bought him some port.

By the next anniversary it was all over and he had moved out. We never acknowledged the anniversary again, but years later we still send cards for birthdays and Christmas.

The difference here is that one party - him - wants to keep trying. Perhaps acknowledge the day, which is a special one however you look at it, with a present but no card?

No card, no present - that will only give him hope.

Yes I think I agree @VivaMiltonKeynes just reinforces that I'm a cow in all of this

Why are you saying you're a cow?

@dippyegg32

Thanks for the replies.

He wants to stay together and vows to "do anything". I've mentally checked out however. The loves gone, the attraction has gone, the fun has gone.

Been married 3 years, together 9 years, two kids.

A question for you to think about. Is it really the relationship that's the problem, or is it external circumstances that are making you both stressed and snappy? That's something my husband and I have found very useful to think about over the years.

Tbh I think that times are so freakishly weird and stressful this year that I would advise anybody not in an abusive relationship to leave the question of a potential divorce on hold for now. I'd especially think that where there are children involved. Things should become clearer when things get a bit more normal again.

Good luck.

Do you think he would remember the date if you don't mention it? It's been my experience that one party often doesn't until the other prompts them with, eg, where shall we eat dinner for our anniversary?

I say this as someone who never remembered a wedding anniversary, mind.

If things are fairly amicable, then I'd ignore it unless he brings it up. And if he does, then say something vague like "Oh yes, it's the 6th today isn't it. Time flies, eh?" then walk away.

If I thought he was likely to launch some embarrassing campaign to win me back based on the date, I'd arrange something to get me out of the house for the day and overnight if at all possible.

Exh kicked me out on boxing Day 2 years ago. I had still got him Xmas pressies. He took that as an insult and gave them all back. Strangely I got nothing that year except the secret Santa from work. Whatever you do will probably be wrong... Stay strong and good luck.

ExH and I were having discussions regarding our marriage prior to our wedding anniversary, and it was clear a split was a real possibility, at my instigation, he wanted to save it. I told him outright not to get anything as I didn't think it was appropriate given the circumstances. We split months later but I had no inclination to pretend things were ok enough to celebrate our marriage. Plus I know that would have given him hope.