My relationship with my mum is deteriorating and I just can't take it

[LonelyGrad]

My mother and I growing up used to be incredibly close. We would go shopping, we would do so many amazing things together. We were each other's best friend. Then in 2013 things changed. It was when I got married for the second time. It was to a man who while I knew was not good for me, I still loved and married anyway. I was married for six hellish years and I finally managed to divorce him in 2019.

During the marriage my mother pulled away from me. She distanced herself and stopped coming to visit. She blamed it on the guy I was married to. She kept saying that when I got divorced, she would come see me.

It's now 2020. I haven't seen her since Christmas of 2018 when I went out there and paid for it out of my own pocket. She makes excuses. She is also toxic. When she found out that I was into women and men (at the time), she said "pick one" not understanding that bisexuality doesn't work that way.

I am now with a woman after no longer denying my own truth (that was a long road of discovery and something completely unrelated) and truly happy. But I still feel like something is missing and that's my mom.

I tried to talk to her today about this house I'm really excited about. Unfortunately I'm part of the generation that got stuck with student loan debt and that is also affected the most by the covid-19 layoffs. She basically tried to give me advice from 20+ years ago that is completely outdated telling me to eat Top Ramen and Hamburger Helper.

Neither of those products are actually cheap anymore, they're incredibly expensive and the sodium content is awful. But that's not the point. We got into a screaming match on the phone and I ended up hanging up on her. I immediately called my partner and cried on the phone.

It's been close to 8 hours and I have yet to have a text or a call from my mother even reaching out to try to bridge the conversation. Something to note is that if I don't text or call her, she won't even try. She won't text me, she won't call me, she expects me to do the "heavy lifting" so to speak.

I want to have a relationship with my mother, but I am beginning to think it isn't worth it and when my partner and I go to get married that she nor my father (who often takes her side) will get an invite to my wedding to the woman I love.

I'm sorry you had a row and hope you feel a bit better now. 2 things stand out from your post, this:
I haven't seen her since Christmas of 2018 when I went out there and paid for it out of my own pocket
Do you think she should have paid for your trip?
And:
You called her to tell her about a house you want to buy but can't afford to.
Did she think you wanted financial help from her?

agree with above, you post seems very 'Hand out'-y your happy old memories are shopping and spending money but now you are mentioning things you cant afford and moaning about paying for things like you are only interested in the money side of the relationship

that might not be it but its how it looks

I feel a bit sorry for you mum from your post..

It’s hard to tell from your post. It sounds like you first really drifted apart when you were married to your ex - did he treat her badly too? Did she feel hurt by the whole situation? Maybe she felt upset that you’d choose someone who was so awful to you and also to others?
With the financial advice, a lot of parents give outdated advice. My dad gave us outdated advice when we were buying in London a few years ago. And he had outdated career advice too when I was leaving uni. It’s what a lot of parents do and I guess it’s just about being patient and going “sure” but doesn’t mean you have to follow their advice.
Also with her not being in touch since the last argument, maybe she too is wondering why you haven’t been in touch to set things right?

To be frank - I never asked her for any money or to go shopping. She initiated those.

Also, to those who are saying that I'm "not able to afford" things, I said I'm part of the generation but never once mentioned my actual situation.

I also never ask her for money. Ever. I avoid it at all costs. The ex-husband drained me financially, emotionally, and was abusive. I stand on my own and fix my own stuff because I don't expect anyone to help me.

When I became unemployed this year and was forced to apply for unemployment, I resisted because I didn't even want the government to help me.

@LonelyGrad

To be frank - I never asked her for any money or to go shopping. She initiated those.

Also, to those who are saying that I'm "not able to afford" things, I said I'm part of the generation but never once mentioned my actual situation.

I also never ask her for money. Ever. I avoid it at all costs. The ex-husband drained me financially, emotionally, and was abusive. I stand on my own and fix my own stuff because I don't expect anyone to help me.

When I became unemployed this year and was forced to apply for unemployment, I resisted because I didn't even want the government to help me.

you dont have to 'ask' litrally every single thing you said was linked to money... you dont have to outright say something people can blatently see what on your mind by your obsession with it.

like who calls there mother up out of the blue after 2 years of not seeing them to bitch that you got layed off but want to buy a house but are of a 'poor generation' and get angry and shout that you cant afford noodles (rubbish by the way I'm young, did uni while supporting my family but dont generational povety like a victim or say stuff like I cant afford noodles, there bloody 60p to £1 for brand name ones lol)

• if its not 'your situation' then why even bring it up btw? thats an obvious backpeddle, there are starving children in africa but I dont say 'I'm of a race that is starving'

also you are so close to your mam, bestest friends and had a great shopping relationship but shes 'toxic'?
toxic is a persons personality its not something people just suddenly become out of the blue because you're now mad at them

its comes off as nothing more than begging and I was hoping to give you the benefit of the doubt that you just wrote it badly but given your reply I'm pretty sure your just an entitled victim because everything in your life is not your fault, in your posts you're a victim of:
your ex
your mother
your generation
covid
your education
and so on but also your the stong independant perfect woman who never asks for anything and is suffering through this harsh life alone

like if you had just had one or two of these thing fine, unfortunately bad relationships happen or people have issues with a parent but when your blaming everything even the damn decade your born in then its definately a you issue

OK but why would paying for your visit to her 'out of your own pocket' be noteworthy? This is part of adulting unless you have financial worries. I'm trying to come up with a reason why your mum has flounced. Perhaps leave it a bit and then try and find out what she sees as the problem.

You say She is also toxic

What is that all about?

It is odd for your mum to cut you off but it does happen, especially with homophobic parents.

OP, you are being very defensive. Are you this defensive with your mother, as well?

Did she try to talk you out of your disastrous marriage, and you ended up having "screaming match", or a few of them, then as well?

Perhaps you did a lot of damage to your relationship with her when you insisted you knew best back then.

You seem to be putting a lot of expectations on her. Maybe she can't take the pressure?