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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating and self confidence -help

4 replies

MUMMY0107 · 01/10/2020 21:31

I'm not really sure what I want to get out of posting this, i probably need a hand hold or a kick up the ass.
So a bit of background I'm out of a long term emotionally abusive relationship and have a primary age child. Last relationship was 10+ years and I'm early 30s.
I've been messaging a guy for about a month and he's lovely, funny and interesting. We arranged to meet and it went really well. He messaged me like straight away after to say he'd had a great time, do it again etc. But since we met i feel the messages have kinda dwindled a bit and something seems different. I'm prob reading into it. I'm way out of practise on the whole dating thing but have a massive like school girl crush on this guy!! I feel really deflated that he doesn't seem that into me and also kinda worried if it turns out he is. The idea of getting my clothes off infront of anyone petrified me. My ex wasn't one to take no for an answer so ruined my attitude towards sex. I feel if this guy does like me then I prob don't even remember how to do anything!!
I have no self confidence and I know I really need to do something to work on this but I don't know where to start. It's like I genuinely can't see why this guys (he's tall, good looking and just really great) would be interested in me. So I think in my head the messages have changed a bit so obv I was right and he isn't interested. Its like my head knows that I'm not completely repulsive - numbers on the scales etc aren't totally horrendous but then my eyes see what's in the mirror and all I can focus on is what I don't like. I googled trying to improve confidence and it suggested affirmations etc and I just can't imagine standing infront if a mirror telling myself that I'm not totally ugly etc. Does anyone have any other suggestions?

OP posts:
noego · 01/10/2020 23:46

Your perception of yourself and other peoples perception of you is completely different.
Your perception of yourself is skewed because you lived with a twat for 10+ years and it eroded your self esteem and confidence.
When you return to the dating world the people you date pass compliments about you and you don;t believe them because of the erosion to your self esteem/confidence.
It takes a while to get used to the fact that people see you as attractive for what ever reason and the compliments are genuine.
Yes get some sort of direction and affirmation from books or video's or therapy, but if someone pays you a compliment or wants to be with you because of something they like about you then just go with it. It won't hurt you. As you begin to believe that then your esteem will increase.
The twat of 10+ year could've been wrong you know!!

MUMMY0107 · 02/10/2020 09:09

@noego you're totally right, I'm awful at accepting compliments coz I just don't feel their warranted or just don't believe them, definitely something to work on! Thank you for replying. And you're right, the twat was wrong!

OP posts:
noego · 02/10/2020 13:38

Take you time OP. it's a journey

MUMMY0107 · 02/10/2020 21:53

Thank you ☺

OP posts:
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