My partner broke up with me tonight

[JennyBeanR]

We were together 4 years and have a 17 month old daughter. He also has children from a previous relationship.
We've always had a rocky relationship and had broken up once before prior to my pregnancy. I love him, and I'm scared.
I'm alone, no friends, no family. I lost contact with friends years ago and have always been a bit socially awkward.
Him and his family have been my life and I dont know what to do now.

I'm scared financially. I'm scared I won't be good enough on my own. I'm also scared that I won't be a good enough mother. I have such low self esteem and feel absolutely broken as far as relationships go.

I also feel so stupid in so many ways.
Our relationship was wrong. It felt alot of the time that he hated me. We werent very compatible, but my self esteem is so shot that I keep thinking maybe we could make it work...maybe I could be better.

I've got to pull myself together.
I guess I want to vent and desperately want a friend to talk to. To say the kind words we all need to hear when the man you love tells you he doesn't want to be with you.

Oh Jennybean

I’m so sorry to hear this. It sounds like it might not be awful being apart from him but it’s going to take some time to get over it all. You don’t sound stupid, you sound like you were/are in love.

Where are you living? Are you still in your home with your daughter?

I’m so sorry Jenny. You must feel so awful and lost. What age are you? Will his family still be supportive to you?

Thank you for the messages. Its made me start crying again! In a good way though :)

I'm 36. I took my DD to a hotel for the weekend as I feel like I needed space and don't think I'd be able to calm down in the house with him.

Just put my girl in the cot and have been number crunching to figure out finances. Its going to be tight. I know he'll help out but I also know I need to be able to stand on my own two feet.

I think I probably could call his parents but I don't want to yet. At least, not while I'm still a blubbering mess...and I feel so ashamed. Like a failure. My daughter will grow up with split households because of this.

As a child of divorce I say “meh?”
My parents are both happy. Their divorce was messy and complicated and I saw far too much of it. But they both love me and I love them. And their new spouses are lovely people so all it’s done is make my family bigger.

Your daughter won’t be the only one of her peers with a split household.

You make sure you give your daughter all the cuddles you can for the coming months. She needs you as much as you need her right now.

Do you work?

You have no reason to feel ashamed. Relationships break down. It takes strength and bravery to walk away when you need to.

I’m am sorry you feel this way at the moment but you won’t feel like this forever, I promise. You sound like a lovely person and you deserve more than this rocky relationship. Write yourself a list of the reasons why him/the relationship wasn’t good. You got this! For you and your DD

I work full time and earn an ok salary. I will be able to pay the bills but not save and won't be able to afford nursery.
I wfh and can't manage with her at the same time as she gets very demanding! I also think nursery has been good for her. There is also the added concern that she may have ASD. I have an appointment in 2 weeks with the pediatrician regarding that.

I have written a list. Our relationship wasn't right. He wasn't physically attracted to me and he was very critical of my general behavior, almost like a parent rather than partner. Just this evening when he ended it he said something along the lines of "in our arguments I'm always right yet you still argue".

I never felt secure with him or loved. I have been loved in the past and had a long loving relationship before this. I knew deep down this one wasn't right. Yet I stayed. I dug my heels in. I said I loved him and this is my life. It makes no sense.

I’m sorry you are having such a rough time. I got divorced 2 years ago. It was my choice but I was still embarrassed and felt like I’d failed. I don’t anymore and neither will you once the shock wears off. I’m sure you are great mum. You just need to be kind to yourself for a bit!

There's no denying, it's going to be hard!

However, in the long run, you are going to be better for this!
You know what 'being loved' & 'being wanted' feels like. He didn't make you feel like that AND he's done a real number on your self confidence!

Be open to new friendships & regain your confidence and life will become immeasurably better for you 🌷

He wasn't physically attracted to me and he was very critical of my general behavior, almost like a parent rather than partner. Just this evening when he ended it he said something along the lines of "in our arguments I'm always right yet you still argue".

This sounds awful. I wouldn't live with him. I'm not surprised your confidence has taken a battering. But PP are right - you sound lovely. And he's done you a favour - this relationship is damaging you. Be glad it's over.

Be gentle with yourself and pouri love out to your DD. Lots of her peers will live with just their mums. It's no big deal these days.

I’ll be your friend if you want to PM me and chat. You’re not alone. Just get through the next few weeks and then you can start to build up your life again

Oh @JennyBeanR I know it doesn’t seem possible right now but your life will be so much better without him judging and belittling you. There will be plenty of advice on here for later down the line, but for now sending you a handhold and a big unmumsnetty hug.

A relationship where one party is always right and you should accept that without argument sounds awful and emotionally abusive tbh. He’s done you a massive favour

A busy time ahead for you! Hopefully his family will continue to support you and their grandchild emotionally and financially and you can remain on good terms. And also give a break now and then! You must be feeling so low now but you sound strong and lovely. You’ll meet lots of people once your child starts school. Hopefully once the grieving stage passes there’ll be opportunities to meet people and slowly make new connections. I wish you peace and happiness in time. I’m sure it will happen. Best of luck🙂

Dear Jenny, I too will be your long distance friend. Please keep posting and we will help you through this. You sound amazing - you have such self awareness to know that he was wrong for you. There are lots and lots of women with practical advice on here so ask direct questions and they can pint you to where you need to go. It is good that you have a job and can afford the bills. Can you look into free nursery hours? Could you get an au pair seeing as you work from home so she would be minding the child while you are there?

I think you sound incredibly strong op.

You have a job which is fantastic. you may not be able to live in luxury but you'll be free from ridicule and will be able to create a better environment for your dc.

I don't know your financial situation but have you checked if you're eligible for any Benefits/ childcare support? Will your xdp provide financial support?

You haven’t done anything wrong by being in a relationship that didn’t work out. We’ve all been there. You and your daughter are going to be fine. It’s going to be really tough now but in the long run, I imagine you’ll be much stronger and better off without him.

So sorry that you're hurting op. Another offer here to be a friend. This happened to me when dd was 4,i remember the utter devastation I felt, more for dd than myself, I begged him not to let her have parents that had separated. Now 10 years on we both have new partners, other children and step children and dd gets to have 2 new blended families. I'm not going to lie & say it was easy & you certainly won't think it now but you can do this&youll come out of it stronger&you&your dd will have an even stronger bond because of it. Sending huge hugs xx

Hi OP, in the long term you’ll come to find he did you an enormous favour. Your relationship together just sounds so negative which is the last thing you want your DD to grow up seeing.
Now, you can work on your self esteem and be the person and parent that you want to be.

Break ups are always hard without the added complications of finances too. You sound like you've got a bit of a handle on this by removing yourself from the situation and trying to get to grips with the money side. A lot of us wouldn't have managed that.

Another friend here.

He is always right and yet you still argue? He doesnt want a partner, he wants a sidekick. A Yes-Woman who will simper and smile and do as she is told.

FUcking good for you that you are not that woman. Your self esteem will recover in no time, as mine and others have when we escaped selfish and abusive arseholes. He tried to mould you and you refused to be moulded. Good.

I promise in a few short weeks you will wonder why the hell you stuck it out for so long. And take it from one who has been there, being a single mother without that nasty poison being dripped in your ear every day is so amazing, liberating and powerful. You will find out that you are capable of so much more than he let you believe you are.

You're all so wonderful. You got me through the night. I was so desperate to call/text him and beg him to reconsider. I didn't after reading the replies.

I dropped my girl at nursery and have to work now but I'm going to follow up on the messages in depth later.

This is so hard! I woke up missing him already and crying for the future we'd planned. Thank you everyone for your kind words.

Keep reminding yourself of how bad it would be for your DD to see her DM being treated with such unkindness and disrespect. We learn how adult relationships should be by observing our parents - and a bad example does no end of harm.

The older I get the more I appreciate the lessons I learned as a child. My parents were always so loving and respectful of each other. This has affected my whole life.

Be glad this nasty man has removed himself from DD's life and that he will no longer be able to influence her.

Have you thought of doing the Freedom Programme? It would protect you from ending up in another abusive relationship. You can do it online for a small fee.

It was a very dysfunctional relationship. I know long term it will prove to be for the best. On top of the dislike for my interests and personality, I'll never forget the way he referred to my body after pregnancy and since tbh. He told me it was incongruous and most men want a "normal" looking woman...I had over 3.5 stone to lose after I gave birth and have lost it now but at 11.7 stone am still classed as overweight (need to get down to 11.2). My skin is saggy with stretch marks and my boobs are skin flaps :( As a result I never get fully undressed with him. I felt so much shame...yes it is definitely better that he ended it.

I cant stand the idea of my girl ever feeling so low and being shut up all the time. I feel like in other ways I'm quite a strong person. I've done well academically and feel like my career is quite promising after being worried about the return from maternity leave.

But being alone is scary. And I do love him...as silly as that is. The good times overshadowed the bad I guess.

I spoke to him this morning about finances and we will have a deeper discussion later. I will be able to afford to provide for my DD. However, he earned 4x my salary. I must admit as well, I will miss that financial security. I know I need to focus on providing a good home for my girl and getting my self esteem in order.

One serious lesson learned that I hope to pass to my girl. Don't isolate yourself. Keep hold of friends and connections. No man or relationship should consume everything or knock you so low.

Talk to a solicitor about appropriate child support - don't let your ex pick and choose about things that affect your life, like how much he will pay or when he will have contact. He doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Get on a waiting list for therapy. It's a long wait and you have to chase it up but your posts suggest to me that you need support in understanding your self-worth. He treated you badly. Very badly. The 'love' will pass. In the meantime, get appropriate - not minimal - child support and protect yourself and your child against his opinions.

What your feeling is natural after a break up that perhaps you didnt want, you'll be confused, angry, sad, self deprecating, and your self esteem will be low for a while. You said the relationship was wrong, so you understand that it perhaps wasnt ment to continue, you've also mentioned that your self esteem hasnt been good for a while and that can only be down to how the relationship made you feel.
You will cope, your not a terrible mother, only the next days and weeks ahead will prove that to you, you will be able to continue, and once you've done it for a few week this alone will build trust in your self again that you are capable of doing family life on your own and your opnion of your self will rise. Dont let his feelings towards you colour your view upon your self. Concentrate on you and your child/children just get the day to day stuff sorted and you will feel better

You will make friends from here on in. He can just jog on. Take whatever money he gives you now because although he says he will support your DD he may not in future. This is about YOU and your DD now. I bet he won't like it