WWYD - in a lockdown stand-off with DM

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So DM has 2 children locally - me 5 minutes away in a car, DB 20 minutes. DB is the golden child, I'm can do nothing right. During the first lockdown I did everything for her; her reasoning being (and I quote) that she knew it was no bother for me to do everything, but she did not want to trouble my DB. You get the picture.
We don't get on - she has been too mean to me too many times. I now do whatever is needed practically, but keep my distance emotionally.
When bubbles were allowed, she immediately bubbled with my DB so she could see him. Even though I am closer and doing all the practical stuff.
She is elderly, obese, high blood pressure, very bad lungs - so as high a risk with covid as you can get. So to my mind that means she needs to follow the rules.
BUT - she will break the rules to see her DGC. She will phone up to arrange to meet my DC for lunch, but so far she has not asked to see me. She will phone , complain about how bored she is (fair enough), make it clear how unhappy she is (nothing new there), but still will never mention seeing me. I've been waiting to see how long it would take before she does, but I now know it's not going to happen.
She's bubbled with my brother, so to my mind it's up to him to look after her and provide the company she needs. But he's not stepping up.
Probably just having a rant, but all (kind) advice welcome.
I hate the scapegoat guilt trip.

Sorry OP, that's awful, I don't understand how parents can show that much favouritism to one child over another. I would pull right back from her tbh let her badger her precious son for help

I'm sorry your mum is treating you this way. You don't deserve to treated as a scapegoat or made to feel guilty.

If going NC isn't right for you, I'd try being honest with her:

"I'm sorry you're lonely/bored/whatever but you chose to bubble with DB so you need to speak to him about it."

Then repeat as often as needed.

And don't be afraid to challenge the idea that your time is worth less than your brothers. Next time she says something is 'no trouble' for you but that she can't possibly bother DB try to correct her:

"Actually both me and DB have busy lives so it makes sense that we both help equally."

Or:
"I'm sorry you don't feel comfortable asking DB for help but me doing everything is no longer possible so you'll have to make alternative arrangements."

Is it a standoff OP? It just sounds like she's made a choice that means she has to rely on your DB for now. So, let her have that choice and let her follow through on it.

You know that you aren't responsible to rescue her, don't you?

Also, and I mean this gently, it sounds like she doesn't like you much (my mother doesn't particularly like me either, fwiw, so you have my empathy on that). Can you explore why you're keeping score of whether she has asked to see you? Is there an opportunity for you to stop keeping track of that and instead working on accepting that she isn't very nice, etc. and that it might be lovely not to see her?

What a horrible woman.

How old are your DC? Do they want to see such a nasty piece of work granny, do they know/see how she treats you?

But. You must stop - because it is making you unhappy. You must put yourself first - and that includes your feelings.

Cut back on the phone calls.

Stop stepping up. Make your point, in a wide-eyed way. 'Oh I won't do that, it will be much easier for DB to do it, as you're bubbled with him...' - you have the perfect excuse here.

I know a few instances of this - where mothers can't fall over themselves quick enough to act in this nasty, using, misogynistic way to their daughters - expecting it all, treating them like servants, while fawning over the Big Balls Male Child.

Fuck that.

Oh and yes:

'I don't understand? Why did you bubble with DB if you don't want to ask him to help you with things? You're going to have to I'm afraid... what's that? He won't? Gosh he doesn't seem to want to make the effort does he? That's a shame'

What FizzyGreenWater wrote.

If she is too toxic or difficult for you to deal with, its the same deal for your DC too. Your mother was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed at all since then. Deal properly with your FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re your mother through therapy.

Do consider reading "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward and have a read/post on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

It just sounds like she's made a choice that means she has to rely on your DB for now. So, let her have that choice and let her follow through on it.

Sadly, that's a fact. She chose him, not you, so you have no obligation to help. Especially if you'd have to break Covid rules to do so.

I'm in the same position op. I live 5 minutes away, my sibling an hour away; I did all the shopping etc during lockdown but my mum bubbled with my sibling.

I've ended up in counselling (again) due to the way my mum treats me, and I've gone NC. I did my bit and ran myself ragged, and had it thrown in my face. Time for the golden child to step up. She's very obviously made her choice, now she has to live with that (and tough shit if your dB won't/can't help out)

She has actually been an amazing GP. Can't fault her for how she treated my DC - they both love her and she has never played any of her twisted mind games with them.
It's just me she treats like that.
If you walk into her flat, you would think she had 1 DC with loads of kids as she only puts up photos of DB and the GC.
I don't know why I still worry about it. It's hard to disconnect.

I've read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward - I picked it up on another thread. It was an eye opener.

What do you get from trying to have a relationship with this mean woman?

This may sound harsh, Op but it sounds like at this point you are complicit in her poor treatment of you because you are allowing it to continue. You speak about it as if it's 'just how it is and how it always has been', as if you're not an adult with a choice of putting up with it or not. The current situation suits both your DM and your DB so neither will change it unless you make it very clear that it doesn't suit you.

If you message both of them and tell them that moving forward you can no longer take on the responsibility of doing everything for DM and that as she has formed a bubble with DB and his family, they can now take over all of her needs they will be pissed but so what? Not your problem, you've done enough.

Then turn your phone off!!

It's that simple. If you stop being the doormat they can't tread on you any more.

It's going to be difficult but you need to step back, she's handed you the ideal
Opportunity now too.

'Oh I can't do that dm, you bubbled with db'
'Oh you don't want to trouble him to ask him to take you to Tesco, that's unfortunate, have you tried online shopping?'
'Oh you want me to shop for you? So sorry you'll have to ask db as you've bubbled with him'
'Oh you want to see the gc, I'm afraid we can't until lockdown is over'

Rinse and repeat

This may sound harsh, Op but it sounds like at this point you are complicit in her poor treatment of you because you are allowing it to continue. You speak about it as if it's 'just how it is and how it always has been', as if you're not an adult with a choice of putting up with it or not. The current situation suits both your DM and your DB so neither will change it unless you make it very clear that it doesn't suit you.

Sorry, but I agree with this, op.

You are allowing all of this bullshit. Stop talking to her so often, and ffs, stop being her skivvy. If she needs things she will need to have your brother do it or she will have to figure it out. You've been a doormat for too many years. Just stop.

I can be extremely ruthless, but I'd be saying to her, 'Mum, Brother has had the best of you. And now, he's got the rest of you, I'm done being your bitch'.

@mbosnz

I can be extremely ruthless, but I'd be saying to her, 'Mum, Brother has had the best of you. And now, he's got the rest of you, I'm done being your bitch'.

😀😀😀

Make no mistake, your mother will harm your children in not too dissimilar ways as to how you have been harmed by her. You’ve been conditioned and otherwise trained by her to put her first with your needs and wants dead last. The only people as well that tend to bother with narcissistic people are those who have received special training i.e the now adult children of same. Drop the rope she keeps holding out to you, you do not need her approval not that she would ever give it to you anyway.

Your children are perhaps still very young, say less than 10 years of age?. Your mother likes this if this is the case because they do not answer her back, do not readily have opinions of their own and do not recognise they are being manipulated. The harm done to them by her is done right in front of your very eyes, a pinch or a look for instance. Again, if she is too toxic for you to deal with it’s the same deal for your kids too. Protect your most precious of resources here from your mother!. If she cannot behave decent around you then she should get to see none of you. You do realise as the family scapegoat your children will be scapegoated too.

The mass of photos in her flat is deliberate as well, it’s all done to cultivate an image of doting granny when she is really anything but. Image is all important to such people.

You deserve better. I’d give my right arm to have a daughter. You are worth more than this crap. If you were mine and you looked after me like that, I’d shower you in so much affection you’d get sick of me. That’s how normal mothers behave. My counsellor told me that you can’t change other people only how you react to those people. You will never have the relationship you deserve with her. You’ve done all you can. It’s like pouring water down a never ending pit of despair. Just stop now. Just stop. Get yourself a good therapist to help you through this painful step. Message your brother. You say “as she’s bubbled with you, it’s down to you to do everything she needs. She doesn’t want me so I’m out” then if he complains you say “you made this bed. Your turn to lie in it. If you don’t want to help her then you need to tell her to her face and organise for social to get her the help she needs. I’m out” then keep repeating. Time to show them your worth. Start investing in other relationships in your life. Not them. You are a good person. Remember that.

Oh and if your kids are young stop facilitating contact. Be not available. Screw that. Be totally selfish for a year and see how that works. Bet she starts behaving herself then

I had a neighbour, that I did wonder, when I went in to look after their fish etc while they were away, and all the photos on the walls were of one of their children. Not a one of the other.

Yabu to offer up your dc op. In time they won't understand why you suffered in silence is they could have a relationship with such an awful bloody woman.. She rewrites history via your dc. It isn't right.. Stand up for yourself!!
I am nc with my dm and she doesn't see my dc. Not even my adult ones...

I’m in a very very similar situation. My advice to you is to pull back. Avoid picking up the phone it’s not your problem now. My dh said to me that I was enabling her so I pulled back.

Dont allow your dc to meet up with her either.

@Milkshake7489

I'm sorry your mum is treating you this way. You don't deserve to treated as a scapegoat or made to feel guilty.

If going NC isn't right for you, I'd try being honest with her:

"I'm sorry you're lonely/bored/whatever but you chose to bubble with DB so you need to speak to him about it."

Then repeat as often as needed.

And don't be afraid to challenge the idea that your time is worth less than your brothers. Next time she says something is 'no trouble' for you but that she can't possibly bother DB try to correct her:

"Actually both me and DB have busy lives so it makes sense that we both help equally."

Or:
"I'm sorry you don't feel comfortable asking DB for help but me doing everything is no longer possible so you'll have to make alternative arrangements."

That's a far nicer way to handle it than I could manage. But I do think it would work, and would recommend you to try it out. You definitely need to stop "doing all the practical stuff."

And she is NOT an amazing GP. It sounds as if your children are adults now? Children pick up on the behaviour modelled by those around them, and she spent their childhood modelling her total disrespect for you. Hardly an example of an 'amazing' grandmother.

Oh, and one last comment. Fuck her. She deserves no respect, so fuck her.