I keep dreaming about exH and its doing my head in

[QuentinWinters]

We split up 2.5 years ago and divorce finalised earlier this year. I'm happily with someone else now.
Ex was manipulative, lied all the time and spent loads of family savings on porn/webcams. He was also borderline emotionally abusive.
My issue is I keep dreaming about him. In the dreams he is always denying what he did, minimising and saying things about me that are not true. E.g. in last night's dream he said i was really dirty round the house and useless at housework (regular criticism when we were married). I was arguing it wasn't true.
Its really doing my head in. The dreams are vivid and disturbing. I just want to put it behind me and move on. Anyone got any advice?

No advice OP but I'm following as in a very similar boat and it's frustrating. Part of me wonders if its just my brain trying to process/make sense of it all so I can get some closure. Mine are more vivid nightmares and it's upsetting.

Thanks for replying. It helps its not just me. Yep, closure is what I want.

Can you get some counselling? Call your gp

I started a thread about this exact thing not long ago. People on my thread said they had experienced the same and sometimes for many years after their divorces.

I think our brains are trying to process what has happened and remembering the awful times we had.

Counselling would definitely be my go to for this but I can't afford it and trying to get anything on the NHS that isn't CBT seems impossible.

Hope your dreams fade and stop happening, they are horrible and leave you feeling so low don't they

Hi OP,

There’s a really great book called ‘Why we sleep’ and in it, there’s a chapter about dreams. The author is a neuroscientist, and he highlights how REM sleep can act to reduce the emotional intensity of a certain period/trauma in our life. So often, these horrible dreams are a necessity to help you process the bad experience and help you deal with it going forward. Sometimes, in the case of PTSD for example, the brain however has too much noradrenaline (stress chemical) to enter REM sleep effectively, so the person cannot process the event and has recurrent nightmares as the brain tries to do its dream work and reduce the emotional intensity. I’m not suggesting you have PTSD, not at all, just hope to explain why you may be having these (necessary) nightmares, until your brain has had enough restorative REM sleep to manage the bad memories, IYSWIM. Dreams are basically a reflection on our emotional state. I hope this helps x

Thanks marrow that is helpful. I do feel like it must be because I'm trying to process something....just wish I could speed that up!

I've been divorced for ten years and recently started having dreams about XH - about being back together but dreading the fact that I knew he'd leave again and that it would be awful. Either that, or I am attacking him and letting out all of the pain and anguish that he left me feeling.

I wonder if there's something in the current situation that's setting off this desire for the past to be 'smoothed over' and unfinished business dealt with? I say that as someone who is largely unbothered by Covid, and who worked (with no real changes to life) during lockdown.

The Why We Sleep book is excellent!