Going low contact with family

[Greyrockrules]

I'm thinking of going low contact with my family but it's going to be really hard for a variety of reasons and would be interested in the experiences of others.

My parents divorced when I was a teenager and both remarried. My step mum has always been a dominant controlling person and we've had times when we've sort of got on but deep down I've never really liked her. She has openly admitted to having affairs with married men and got pregnant deliberately with a rich married man, which kind of back fired on her as he didn't want to know. She's now got religion in a big way and wields it like a weapon to control others and act like a martyr and has rewritten her past in a more palatable way to suit the new narrative My dad is very passive and has never stood up for himself.

Sadly my mum died a couple of years ago and I am still in contact with my step dad who I love dearly. He's a lovely guy who is one of the few solid people I know.

My brother is an arsehole quite frankly. He's cheated on his wife and treats everyone like shit. He's currently mooning over the OW and has dumped his kids for her and HE is acting like a poor hard done by because his wife wants half of his assets (good on her I say ).

There are some complications in going NC. My dad has a chronic condition that will get worse so I'd feel guilty going nc and for the moment I work in the same place as my brother so I'm kind of stuck.

I'm starting counselling soon as I think there is a really unhealthy dynamic in our family and I can't play this game anymore.

Can anyone relate to this or been through the same and come out the other side?

I did it with my mother’s family but I didn’t have any of those complications, so I don’t think I can help directly.

Can you have a longer-term goal of getting a job elsewhere? It’s a start. Other than that, I’d recommend only visiting your dad when she’s got other stuff on.

I've got to stick this job out for another 2-3 years and then I'm moving on. Can't move just yet and probably not a good idea given job market situation. But yes its a longer term goal for sure.

We live quite far away so no days visits thankfully. They have to come and stay if they visit which is intense! I'd really like to see my dad on his own but not sure he'll stand up to her tbh as he's getting more reliant on her for care.

It's a messy situation tbh.

I did it with me very toxic sister and mum 10 years ago.
Best thing I ever did

did they accept it? did you go cold turkey or a slow fade out?

We've moved further away for a number of reasons but one of which was to get space. My step mother had the gall to try to lay a guilt trip on me for moving away but would never have done that with other members of the family. Thankfully emotional blackmail has the opposite effect on me and tends to make me more stubborn!

@Greyrockrules

did they accept it? did you go cold turkey or a slow fade out?

We've moved further away for a number of reasons but one of which was to get space. My step mother had the gall to try to lay a guilt trip on me for moving away but would never have done that with other members of the family. Thankfully emotional blackmail has the opposite effect on me and tends to make me more stubborn!

They had to accept it, they didn’t get a choice. I didn’t allow them a choice. I went NC for 4 years, and now just Low Contact, with very strict boundaries. I did it cold turkey.

Do you have kids? I don't have that many family members so my kids would miss the interaction. That said if my dad were to go first I can't see me keeping in touch with step mother at all so cold turkey wouldn't be an issue there.

I've come to the point in life where the idea of family is more positive than the reality and just how much low level stress and drama they create. It's just too enmeshed and unhealthy. I'm keen to start therapy to explore this all in a more healthy way than the constant merry go round of drama.

It’s a nice idea that the kids need more family, but it only works if they’re good people. I find my kids don’t miss their gran at all. Their heads are full of friends and teachers and tv programmes.

How do you feel about sounding your dad out about you visiting him without her being there...or would that be too much for him? Or is she always there?

I’m sorry, it sounds like a very difficult situation.

"My dad is very passive and has never stood up for himself".

And he still does this. He gets what he wants out of this relationship with his wife. He has also abjectly failed you as a parent here, he is truly weak as well as her willing enabler. He chose this woman to marry and he could well turn around and say to you something like do not criticize the wife I have chosen. He made his choice here and he chose her and threw you under the bus in doing so. I would frankly leave him to it, he will not change and I also doubt he would want to go anywhere far without her.

Your children need emotionally healthy family members around them, not people like your dad, brother and your stepmother in their lives. You do not either. If your stepdad is nice then concentrate your efforts further on him and his relations.

@Greyrockrules

Do you have kids? I don't have that many family members so my kids would miss the interaction. That said if my dad were to go first I can't see me keeping in touch with step mother at all so cold turkey wouldn't be an issue there.

I've come to the point in life where the idea of family is more positive than the reality and just how much low level stress and drama they create. It's just too enmeshed and unhealthy. I'm keen to start therapy to explore this all in a more healthy way than the constant merry go round of drama.

Yes, I have 2 kids. It better that they have NO interaction, than toxic interactions which will effect them like it effected me.

If it's too hard to go NC yet, then maybe a half-way stage. Remove yourself emotionally. Imagine them in your head as starngers, if you have to. Be polite, but no personal information, don't share opinions, don't comment much on their comments. Polite, civil and elusive is the way to go. If they start making comments about it, let them slip by "oh, you know how busy things are", "the kids are fine, thanks, Johnny's at football 2 x a week", "sorry you feel im a bit distant, stuff on my mind" etc.

Allow them to initiate contact twice for every time you initiate it once; move to three times, then four .. by that stage with luck it'll be a lot easier to quietly slip away.