Trauma after long-term relationship problems

[ACZZ]

My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for 10. We have always had a tempestuous/toxic relationship. When angry he occasionally breaks objects by throwing them at walls or out of windows or kicking them. He has called me names and been disrespectful in other ways.

He has never supported my career or dreams in practice, although he says he supports me and is not intentionally acting out. When I met him I had my own start-up and he had a job. He acted out if he felt that I didn't pay him enough attention and ultimately one of the reasons my business did not work out is that I didn't have the strength to argue with him about it anymore. When I accidentally got pregnant with our third child he wanted me to have an abortion, and when I refused he brought it up in arguments for the next two years. He has been under significant work stress and abused alcohol daily for a year until 1.5 months ago. He often gets very angry with the children for normal children things like making noise or spilling things. We saw a marriage counsellor who said that he has impulse control and anger problems and that the relationship is (has been) bad for our children and me.

When our relationship is good we have a good sex life, we are physically close and we work together. When it is bad we argue a lot (unhealthy arguments that escalate). Whether it is good or bad he is not a talker and shows little interest in talking to me or in the things I want to talk about (walks off, changes the subject, starts making a phone call, allows the children to interrupt me, says outright that he is not really interested). He often says that I am aggressive when I talk, when the emotion that I feel is more like passion (which is obviously something for me to work on).

The only real common interest we have is our children and some sporting activities. I always felt that this did not matter, but after a couple of angry recent events, I have realised that I don't know how I feel about the relationship anymore. I don't know if we will ever be, or have ever been friends, and I think this is important to me. However, I am very emotionally attached to our family (our children are 8, 4,and 2). He has stopped drinking except for on weekends, and he wants to change. I am having a hard time reconnecting with him or believing that he will really change once the threat of me leaving him passes. To make it more complicated, during a really difficult period of his drinking I developed feelings for a friend who is gentle and kind and who has told me he has feelings for me, though I have avoided having a physical affair. Is there anyone out there with a similar experience? Did you manage to rebuild your relationship and become friends with someone after such a history?

Your friend will seem all the more attractive with the backdrop of your crappy relationship to compare him to.

Put the friend out of your mind - he is a red herring, a symbol of ‘what could be’, almost like a signpost to make you see the way out.

Concentrate on ending this relationship. There’s so much wrong with it I don’t even know where to start. But don’t leave FOR someone else. Leave for yourself and your DCs, so that you can build a happy calm family life without him.

Then maybe in a year or so, once you’ve got your shit together, you can consider dating someone else. I imagine your boundaries have been pretty well screwed by this marriage, so you’ll need to do some work on yourself to relearn what a healthy relationship looks like, otherwise you’re in danger of falling into a “slightly less shit, but still shit” relationship because it’s not as bad as this one!

FWIW my XH was nowhere near as awful as yours sounds and I also had a lovely calm friend who seemed like the ideal escape. After I split from XH I did go on a date with this man, but he wasn’t the answer, he was just symbolic of everything XH wasn’t. I did meet someone else, but I think too quickly, and I wasn’t really ready. This has caused a lot of issues. Don’t be me! Take your time, heal yourself, build a great single life. Then you have a fighting chance of long term happiness with someone else.

I've been where you are OP.
He didn't change, and genuinely felt he was a victim when I finally ended it.
He made me feel like the most boring person in the world, would not engage in conversations with me fully, would start yawning, playing with his phone etc. He just wasn't interested. I was always passionate during conversation too, was often referred to as fiery by others. By the end, I was nothing like the girl I was going into it and had lost so much confidence. He told me every day he loved me but I never felt it.
He started of aggressive, throwing things, punching holes in walls etc. I called the police so many times that he eventually stopped, but the aggression remained, I could not air grievances with him as he would get angry and shout over me in a dominating manner.
He made me feel small, insignificant, worthless, invalidated and everything in between.
One day I went to a party and drank way too much. I came home and told him something I'd needed to get off my chest for a while. He responded in his usual aggressive type manner and something must have snapped in me as I apparently hit him round the head with my boot. I didn't recall it, and friends insisted that he'd made it up to play the victim. I spent a night in a police cell, had a perfectly clean record til then. When interviewed, I repeated that I didn't recall it and explained the years of demeaning, devaluing, dehumanizing I'd put up with. With that, I was released with no further action.
But I came home that day and realised it had to end. If it didnt, either he would kill me, I would kill me, or I would kill myself.
I naturally detached after that. I couldn't further risk the career I was aiming towards- the Probation Service, and I did not want to go to prison for stabbing him in his sleep.
You'll reach the point where you get so low, you will have enough, and hopefully you will leave.Youll be exhausted, your confidence will be rock bottom. I would suggest making plans to leave now if possible xx

I would kill him*

@Tiny2018

I've been where you are OP. He didn't change, and genuinely felt he was a victim when I finally ended it. He made me feel like the most boring person in the world, would not engage in conversations with me fully, would start yawning, playing with his phone etc. He just wasn't interested. I was always passionate during conversation too, was often referred to as fiery by others. By the end, I was nothing like the girl I was going into it and had lost so much confidence. He told me every day he loved me but I never felt it. He started of aggressive, throwing things, punching holes in walls etc. I called the police so many times that he eventually stopped, but the aggression remained, I could not air grievances with him as he would get angry and shout over me in a dominating manner. He made me feel small, insignificant, worthless, invalidated and everything in between. One day I went to a party and drank way too much. I came home and told him something I'd needed to get off my chest for a while. He responded in his usual aggressive type manner and something must have snapped in me as I apparently hit him round the head with my boot. I didn't recall it, and friends insisted that he'd made it up to play the victim. I spent a night in a police cell, had a perfectly clean record til then. When interviewed, I repeated that I didn't recall it and explained the years of demeaning, devaluing, dehumanizing I'd put up with. With that, I was released with no further action. But I came home that day and realised it had to end. If it didnt, either he would kill me, I would kill me, or I would kill myself. I naturally detached after that. I couldn't further risk the career I was aiming towards- the Probation Service, and I did not want to go to prison for stabbing him in his sleep. You'll reach the point where you get so low, you will have enough, and hopefully you will leave.Youll be exhausted, your confidence will be rock bottom. I would suggest making plans to leave now if possible xx

Wow @tiny2018 that sounds really bad. I really understand how you just lost it, I have almost done that many times. Did your ex have a really good side as well as this dark side? Mine works really hard and is exceptional in his business life, and when he is in a good mood he's a charming person to be around. Everyone really admires/likes him, this side of him really only comes out in our relationship and home life. So I know that it is the dynamic of our relationship that is the problem, not that this makes it any better.

ACZZ
yes, incredibly charming and friendly, knows a lot of people.
Before I met him I was reasonably well balanced and extroverted, as things progressed I went into myself more and became angry and snappy. This led me to believe that I was the problem.
After the incident if me finally losing it, I realised that regardless of who was the problem, I needed to get out.
I'd never attacked anybody in my life before, it just wasn't me. But over the years I went round and round in my head, trying to figure it all out, blamed myself, and guilted myself constantly. I was consumed by guilt and became extremely depressed.
To begin with I got really jealous, as he seemed so interested in everybody else, so keen to be around other people. This led me to believe that it must be something wrong with me, which I often acted out in some ridiculous ways. How would tell me that he didn't like to be around me because of the way I behaved, but I was behaving that way because of how he treated me, how worthless he made me feel. I almost checked myself into a mental ward once, as I couldn't think straight any more. My friends talked me out of it.
This man annihilated me from the inside out. The day I detached was amazing, I saw him for what he was and he could not get to me anymore. His words were just words, his lack of interest no longer bothered me, because I wasn't interested in him anymore. He tried to reel me back into arguments but I just couldn't be arsed. I stopped reacting.
These men seem so popular, that you think you're the problem.It ears away at you, destroys your confidence. I used to look at pictures of myself from before I met him, I looked so different to what I did while with him. I used to have a sparkle in my eyes, a smile. Whilst with him I was worn and drained.
The one thing I will say in my defence is that I kept going. I kept picking myself back up. I'm lucky enough to have some great friends who helped we me through.
But the night I spent in the cell, that dud it for me. I was becoming him, an irritable, angry, miserable soul, and I'm not meant to be that.
You really need to find ways to rebuild your confidence, do things you love, hang onto you. Dont let him ruin you.

@tiny2018 - exactly what I have started doing; I identify a lot with what you write above. Thank you.

@Tiny2018

would start yawning

One of the many disrespectful behaviours my partner showed me over the years was doing things like yawning in my face or loudly saying BORING right in front of me. It might sound like part of a comedy sketch to some, but it led me to feel trampled on, a doormat, a mother to a rude teenage boy.

Thanks so much for all of your advice. I guess that since there have also been lots of good times, I am still clinging to the idea that the good times will overall outweigh the bad, and that people really do change.