Christmas woes!

[Doyoumindifislytherin]

Need advise how to tackle this. DP was expecting to have SC over christmas this year. Particularly as he hasn't seen them on Christmas day for a few years because they have spent it with their DM.

Children are young and the magic of christmas is still very much alive and obviously DP has been upset about missing out on christmas morning etc.

This year SC DM is working until late on christmas eve and has asked us to have the children. DP agreed and stated we would keep them over night and return them Christmas day late afternoon so that we can spend the day with them.
SC DM has refused and is expecting DP to keep them till late Christmas eve, and then return them home over 30 miles away when she gets in from work. She won't budge on this.

DP is livid. Hes tried appealing to her better nature. How its disruptive for the children, they should really take it in turns with christmas etc etc but ex is adamant that the SC will never wake up christmas morning with their father.

DP is now thinking along the lines of just keeping them and to hell with her... but obviously this isn't a great idea and will cause a whole heap of issues....

Just looking for advice on how they can resolve the issue amicably... any ideas?

They need a formal court arrangement if they can't resolve it

Oh dear. I get how the mother feels as Christmas morning is special and she’s probably doing most of the donkey work so in her eyes Christmas morn is her “reward” for all the days and days she’s put in. However, in this case it’s not reasonable to expect your partner to have them until late on Xmas eve and then drive 30 miles. Why are you intending to return them late on Xmas day? Why not suggest a compromise. Say “it’s not reasonable to expect us to drive that far late on Xmas eve. We are happy to have the children but we will all be tired and it’s our Xmas too. We want to be able to have a glass of wine with our Xmas eve meal. Driving that late at night isn’t fair on us or the children. We will keep them overnight and return them by noon on Xmas day. Please be reasonable. You’ve had them every other year and we are helping you out by having them while you work”

Try that.

If you get nowhere then you need to go see a solicitor and ask for mediation.

DP is livid. Hes tried appealing to her better nature

He needs to stop trying this as she obviously doesn't have one. She's totally unreasonable to think it's ok to have their children every Christmas morning and he doesn't get a say. They should alternate it, why does she think she's more important.

If it were me I would be saying to her that this is how it's going to be this year and if she doesn't like or accept it you will go down the mediation route.

I'm not sure how old the dc are but would he speak to them and ask what they would like, would they be happy having Christmas morning with their dad then going to their mum in the afternoon?

I think I'd just tell her either he has them until lunchtime Christmas Day, or she can find alternative childcare on Christmas Eve. If she's had the last few Christmas Day mornings she is being very unfair expecting this one as well.

I think the mum is being very unreasonable here - hope it gets resolved - I don't know why she would want them overtired and to be driven a long distance on a horrid winters night probably when they could be returned for Xmas lunch.

The reason hes requesting to keep them until later in the day is because usually we have 2 christmas days and repeat the whole charade on boxing day with a tale to the DC that Santa has agreed to do a special delivery christmas night so they get to have Christmas morning again with their DF and christmas dinner etc. (My DP usually collects them in the evening of christmas day)
But due to the work commitments this year of their DM, it would be impossible to have our christmas day and get them.back to her. Only way to.do this is to sacrifice our own christmas so that she gets to have hers. Hence the suggestion we return DC after the christmas meal and DM to have their christmas day the next day.
Were talking drop off around 5pm after travel time is factored in.
She will not collect them or drop them off. All the donkey work is facilitated by us.

Kids are happy either way... they get 2 mountains of gifts at both houses and aren't really fussed in which order.

DP is adamant that hes just going to keep them and to hell with her. I think this is a really bad idea and is just going to cause issues in what is usually a good relationship between them both other than this issue.

Ps. We have the same issue with DC birthdays too. DP has to wait until her plans have ended before he has access to them even of it falls on his access days.

Need a formal legal arrangement that is best for all..

It's also massively unfair of her to expect him to do all the running about, driving them either Christmas Eve or Christmas day evening which stops him having a drink and enjoying himself, I'd definitely not be pandering to her

what about what the CHILDREN want?

this isnt about the parents feelings -
as a child of devorce and a step child myself I would want to be with my mam on christmas like always.
I would have been utterly hurt and miserable to have my routine up rooted for 'adults feelings' and xmas is important to me, even now in my 30s I replicate EXACTLY what my mam always did and no one else has ever come close to capturing that. The emotional safety and routine of the children is most important thing.

that said you can say no to driving 30 miles - either she can come get the kids or take that day off or find alternate practical childcare