Question about spending time together

[SaltKatten]

I've been with DP for 1.5 years. We don't live together and neither of us has children.

We spend 3-4 days a week together, usually at mine but sometimes at his. We both live alone.

The issue is that the time we spend together can feel quite overwhelming. I'm rather introverted and like to spend a good deal of time alone. It's difficult for me to switch from living and working alone mode to being 'on' for several days at a time, where I have to give someone lots of attention and affection, and constantly be in conversation. I end up feeling really drained, then guilty for not being as engaged as I perhaps should have been.

My question is, how much time do couples who live apart generally spend together, and what does this time look like? For example, if you spend 3-4 days a week with your partner, do you spend the entire time with them, giving them your full attention? Or do you do your own thing some of the time?

I feel a bit silly writing this but I think the dynamic was different in previous relationships. Previous partners have been somewhat aloof whereas my current partner is very 'tuned-in', for want of a better phrase.

What stood out to me is that you feel you have to be "on" all the time when you're with your partner. That certainly doesn't sound very relaxed or familiar. Giving your partner your full attention all day every day isn't normal or realistic for anyone. I'm with my husband pretty much 24/7, but we spend a large amount of time doing our own thing, working, etc. We are very relaxed and happy in each other's company, but definitely not in each other's pockets all day. That just isn't normal.

Could it be your partner doesn't make you feel that you can just be yourself? You shouldn't have to be "on" for him at this stage in your relationship. You should feel much more normal and relaxed than that.

My partner is an introvert, we have been together a year and live separately. When we are together for a few days I make sure I have a film downloaded on my laptop and he goes upstairs to work in the evening or watch something downstairs as I understand he needs his own time....I am an extrovert so we compromise on things. I get him out of his home and into a pub for a drink rather than being at home 24/7 which is his default. He works from home. He really enjoys his time out with me and thanks me for making him go to places. I understand how he gets exhausted from being "on" all the time and get what you are saying. So, this has come about because I researched and understood introverts and he definitely is one but I wont compromise all the time with this and he has to and is willing to join my world occasionally. The relationship has given me a lot of benefits e.g. learning to be silent, enjoying quiet downtime and being on my own. I was too hyper at times always rushing around, going out and generally burning the candle at both ends. I have learnt to slow down by my boyfriend which has been great for my personal development and he has learnt to go out more and be with people without the introvert hangover he sometimes got.

What stood out to me is that you feel you have to be "on" all the time when you're with your partner.

Exactly this was my thought too.

The whole reason my boyfriend became my fiancé and then husband is because I can just be exactly the same in front of him as I would on my own.

A relationship where you can't must be exhausting.

What stood out to me is that you feel you have to be "on" all the time when you're with your partner. That certainly doesn't sound very relaxed or familiar. Giving your partner your full attention all day every day isn't normal or realistic for anyone.

I think the problem is that I don't know what's reasonable and what's not. As we don't live together, it feels a bit weird to say I need space to do my own thing when he comes round. I don't want to live with DP at the moment but want to somehow find a balance where I don't feel like I have to entertain him or that he's a guest. He has felt hurt in the past when he felt that I wasn't engaged or affectionate enough, but I explained to him most of what I've written here. He seems to understand this and has said I don't need to entertain him, it's just that I don't know how to apply that!

Could it be your partner doesn't make you feel that you can just be yourself?

Yes. When I was giving this some thought earlier it was one of the things that sprang to mind. I think he struggled with my introversion early on and I ended up modifying my behaviour so he wouldn't feel hurt. He's a very giving, loving, affectionate person and was finding it hard to understand how I could flip between that and needing space. Since we've discussed it and reached an understanding, I'm finding it difficult to go back to being myself around him.

For example, he's coming over later and I've had a tiring day reading tens of thousands of words in front of a screen. I want to see him, but I don't feel like engaging in lengthy conversations or being affectionate beyond cuddles. I just want to zone out in front of the TV and go to bed. Is this reasonable? How can I get this across to him kindly?

@litterbird Thank you. It's very helpful to me to have the other side's perspective. It's interesting that there are elements that have been beneficial to you and that you have learnt things from it. It sounds like you balance each other out perfectly

For example, he's coming over later and I've had a tiring day reading tens of thousands of words in front of a screen. I want to see him, but I don't feel like engaging in lengthy conversations or being affectionate beyond cuddles. I just want to zone out in front of the TV and go to bed. Is this reasonable? How can I get this across to him kindly?

Just tell him and do it. "Love, I'm just shattered today so would really love to just cuddle and watch a movie before bed."

If he takes issue with that or can't understand your need for a quiet night, you seriously need to reevaluate this relationship. Stop with all the pretending and trying to fulfill some perceived expectations. Just be yourself all the time. He will have to take it or leave it.

I've been with DP 2+ years, we don't live together. I live with 2 teens and he lives alone (has adult children). We see each other almost all weekends and maybe 1 night in the week.

A typical weeknight might involve a quick meal, or he might eat before he comes depending on what's happening, then we have a chat watch some tv and go to bed. Sometimes we will both just mess about in our phones. We always sit together on the sofa and are usually touching in some way, be it cuddled up or my feet on him.

At the weekend we tend to have lie ins, I have to transport my kids about, I go to a dog agility group, we do some things around the house, late-night we probably went out for a meal every other week, went to the cinema if there was a film we fancied. Most Sunday evenings we all go to my parents for a roast and play cards.

It all feels very low key, and I am completely myself around him.

Could you change the length of stay op? Break it into 2 x 2 days? If you know when you will feel like zoning out alone then just say you've had a tough day and could you see him some other time. If he is there, could you say you need an early night?

I'm an introvert and in a fairly new relationship after a looooooong time of being single. We are both in our late 40's/early 50s. He's a 50/50 dad so comes round on a Sunday lunchtime after the offspring handover, and stays until Monday morning. Sometimes he'll come after work on Wednesday night and stay until Thursday morning, but not every week. I try to save up things on the TV that we can watch together (so we don't need to chat all the time), and I keep texts to a minimum so that I have things to catch up with him about. We text most days but aren't in that routine that some couples have about texting good morning and good night every day. I don't text him during the day unless I need to ask him a question - e.g. is lasagne ok for tea?

I totally get the feeling you have to be "on" for him. I feel the same, and it doesn't mean I'm not comfortable around him - it means that after eight years of being single and twenty years of living alone I need to remember to include him in things sometimes, because I just forget. Plus I suppose I still consider him a visitor or a guest, so I want his stay to be nice and I guess I am unconsciously behaving as a host rather than a girlfriend! I try to remember to give him a quick squeeze when I'm walking past, or a hug if he's done me a favour or a chore, and sometimes I'll suggest an "early night". We did four days in the Lakes a few weeks ago and that was probably enough - I don't think I could do that regularly at the moment; twice weekly visits are enough for me, even though I absolutely adore him.

I'm not so sure this is mainly about introversion; I'm in a similar relationship and just see it as a natural consequence of the fact that you don't live together, so when you see each other you feel like you have to be Seeing Each Other and not sitting in another room reading a book. Partly, simply, as you are visiting, so it's either not your space, or not the other person's space. (Though we've been together 3.5 years and it's feeling less like that.)
In our case we meet one night in the week and then one overnight stay at the weekend, so it's not as intense. Are you happy with 3-4 nights?