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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Arrgghh I try not to but need to vent about exH

13 replies

mintwater · 30/09/2020 16:59

I need to put my feelings somewhere. Sorry MN.

I've always tried my hardest to be civil to my exH. Serially unfaithful, self-involved person who I let take me completely for granted. We have two DDs and I always wanted to remain civil for their sake. But he still takes me/my goodwill for granted. Today I've had enough... for context it was to do with the fact the girls needed to have school uniform at his place. I offerred to meet him halfway with their bag, he ignored me, but is now irritated that I've not brought it to his door (20 mins away on the bus). Expected me to do all the running around. I suggested he keep more of the girls' clothes and things at his place and he's only just done it when he's really had to.

I'm fuming! I think he assumed we'd be the sort of separated family that can't be in the same room as eachother. I've always striven to make the handovers calm and cordial but it's so apparent that he expects me to suck it up and be pleasant whereas he can be rude. The fact is that I just couldn't deal with it becoming acrimonious and I suspect he knows this. Maybe I need to toughen up? Bad idea? Advice appreciated.

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 30/09/2020 17:06

The more you compromise with these sorts the more they see you as weak. And therefore, the more they take the piss.

You have a sense of decency. He doesn't, unfortunately.

Be cold, avoid him as much as possible and don't take any shite.

Its possible he pretty much sees you as his enemy (especially if you left him) so you're at war whether you want to be or not.

Original poster

mintwater · 30/09/2020 17:27

Thanks for your reply. Hmmm, he definitely sees me as weak. 100%. And possibly his enemy as divorce has meant his finances were compromised (this is the only thing he cried over). I need to be extra vigilant with my boundaries and I'm pretty good, just occasionally they go awry but I tell myself if it makes for a happier life for the girls then it's worth it. Having said that I could also scream into a pillow some days.

OP posts:

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 30/09/2020 17:45

That doesnt work for me. Is a good sentence to employ. Stop being nice - dont be rude, but dont offer solutions to his problems.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/09/2020 18:12

Stop trying to be reasonable. He's not, and never will be.

"Susie forgot her uniform? Oh well she'll have to come and fetch it. Will she get the bus from school, or will you pop round on your way back from work?"

He doesn't give a shit about your time, energy or money. The only person who cares about you is YOU. If you let him walk over you, not only will he continue to do so, but your dc will learn to behave the same way - either yours, or his.

OhamIreally · 30/09/2020 18:14

I feel your pain OP. I have noticed that when I do something nice in the spirit of a good co-parenting relationship ex seems to do something extra shitty.
I agree that he wants you at war and suspect that keeping a righteous anger going stops him from having to examine his own behaviour.

Sakurami · 30/09/2020 18:17

Let him buy uniform for them to have at his house. Don't go out of your way for him and let him do what he needs to do. Be ruthless.

ProfessorPootle · 30/09/2020 18:26

I agree with pp. if he needs school uniform for his dd at his place then he needs to organise that, he needs to buy it, wash it and label it then put it in the cupboards for them ready for when they need it. You are not responsible for it, he is. Time for him to grow up and be a parent.

category12 · 30/09/2020 18:31

If something is forgotten, he needs to come and pick it up or buy replacements.

There's something to be said for being flexible and helpful, but if it's always on your side and he wouldn't dream of putting himself out if positions were reversed, then be very selective about what you do. Does he drive? Because if he does, no way would I be getting on a bus to deliever things tot him.

Shizzlestix · 30/09/2020 21:13

Send him the address of the uniform shop.

Original poster

mintwater · 02/10/2020 05:12

Thanks for your replies everyone, I've taken your advice and reigned my goodwill in a bit. I pulled him up on it and said I expected common decency or it'd be a world of pain for all of us. He brought the bag back to my door the following day

OP posts:

mallorytower · 02/10/2020 07:31

Good for you for keeping your boundaries firm. Remember, if he was a decent guy you’d still be with him. He’s not therefore you need to toughen up.

everythingbackbutyou · 02/10/2020 08:59

Following with interest!

Otter71 · 03/10/2020 22:37

How old are the kids? Can they be encouraged to be more responsible?
Is there actually a shortage of uniform or is there a floordrobe situation going on at his place? If they are old enough to sort it themselves it helps...
Is it him playing games or them? My daughter went thru a phase of getting me to bring random shit to dad's but mostly the aim seemed to be getting us both in one room...

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