I'm a silly old fool no!?

[Cheeseandpickles]

It's been a while since I've been in here - life got crazy with Covid and I lost my dream job in aviation ... anyway I digress. I have been married for 25 years with two DD (17 & 21) - husband has had 2 affairs, drinks and for years I tried to change him - I was too cowardly to leave and hate myself for it. My job allowed me to escape but now that's gone. In the meantime I bizarrely discovered my first boyfriend online (30 years since we last saw each other - he lives another continent away). We have reestablished contract and I'm like a love sick teenager - I thought my libido was dead and buried years ago ... turns out it'a not I used to live where he is and all I can think of is returning and it's completely mad. He is single and has kept everything from when we were together and he is the total opposite of my verbally abusive husband. Please talk some sense into me!! Xxx

You need to leave your husband, regardless if your old flame is in the picture or not. You've wasted enough of your life in this miserable marriage.

Will be better to leave the abusive husband first.

One thing at a time - get rid then move on. Quite possibly to the ex, but don’t count on it

Leave your DH, easier said than done I know.

But do not jump into anything else too quickly. You are quite definitely wearing rose tinted glasses where your first love was concerned.

Firstly, after 30 years your first boyfriend is no longer the person that you remember. This is you harking back to a time when you were happy, with no responsibilities and no worries. It is seductive, but you really don't know this man at all.

Secondly, you need to leave your marriage. And be alone for a while. That way you will have a better idea of who you are, after such a long marriage to a man who has disappointed you.

In short, you need to get a handle on you, before you move to another man.

Yes the specs are most definitely rose tinted right now 😂 I suppose I'm relishing the attention - I'm 56 and thought those days were long behind me. Amazing how you can normalise unsatisfactory relationships citing 'better the devil you know' 😪

Firstly, you didn't bizarrly happen across him - you went looking -own that.

Secondly exit affairs are vile. Dont be that person. End your marriage and make a new life if you're not happy.

@Gilda152

Firstly, you didn't bizarrly happen across him - you went looking -own that.

Secondly exit affairs are vile. Dont be that person. End your marriage and make a new life if you're not happy.

No you are right .. I looked foe a while and I found what I was looking for eventually. I never thought I'd be that person. Thanks for your advice - makes total sense xx

I've been there and its soooo tempting to have a safety net to fall on (ie an ex!) but principles are really important here. You have to show your girls how to be strong and independent. Demonstrate to them how you as a woman have set the bar to be treated, not that mum cant be on her own for 5 minutes.

You'll be ok, I met my now DH some years after leaving my exh, (and yes there was an ex boyfriend from yesteryear in between OF COURSE THERE WAS) and we're happy and I'm friends with my exh as well and that's great for our 18 year old DD.

Be brave.x

I expect you looked up your ex from many moons ago as an escape hatch from the unhappiness you feel in your marriage. I'm guessing its a marriage that for whatever reason you feel you can't leave, hence disappearing down the rabbit hole of happier times in your distant past. Can I ask why you stay in your marriage when its verbally abusive and you're clearly unhappy? And when you say can we talk some sense into you what are you secretly hoping we'll say- that you should knuckle down in your marriage or that you should go follow your dreams? I ask because the two things seem linked to me, this idea of what you are and aren't allowed to do, and things that you want that you can't give yourself permission for. I'm not going to tell you to what to do, only you can decide that, but the feelings you've developed are clearly a wakeup call that something isn't right at the heart of your marriage. Your ex is from so long ago he's almost like a character from a film, rather than the nuts and bolts reality of what he is as a living, breathing man. He may be the man of your dreams or he may not, no-one can tell you what would happen if you started a relationship with him, what's more important is what's going on inside you as a person and within your marriage that there was space for these feelings to develop. Would it be worth investigating some counselling so you can make sense of what you're feeling?

As above deal with these 2 issues separately. Leave your DH and get over end of marriage then if you still feel same about this old love and he feels the same, then he will wait for you!

As always sensible advice - I've booked counselling next week. If nothing else the experience has jolted me out of apathy and into action. Thanks ladies xx

He is single and has kept everything from when we were together

Erm... What?! Who the hell keeps souvenirs of their teenage girlfriend for 30 years?!

1. This man is a complete bullshitter, senses your unhappiness and vulnerability, and is saying what you want to hear in order to get some hot sexting action, or;
2. He's an unhealthily obsessive man still pining over his first girlfriend who broke his heart. Probably breaking multiple hearts himself with women who he's feigned a real attachment to.

Sort your separation out first. If your H catches you messaging you're going to get painted as the shameless harlot who broke the family. Exit with your dignity intact.

@Cheeseandpickles

Yes the specs are most definitely rose tinted right now 😂 I suppose I'm relishing the attention - I'm 56 and thought those days were long behind me. Amazing how you can normalise unsatisfactory relationships citing 'better the devil you know' 😪

You are 56 ? You are still a baby ! Have some fun but be careful you are not rushing into something new because you are trying to escape from something else

Leave the husband, no one needs that shit going on

Then see what happens after the divorce

"I'm 56 and thought those days were long behind me."

My mum left my dad after 30+ years of marriage. 3 years later - in her mid-50s (she married very young) - she met the love of her life. Various friends of hers settled down into very happy partnerships with men they met in their 60s. In short: those days are most definitely not behind you!

But do leave your husband first.

Echoing everyone else, get away from your abusive husband. Keep the ex boyfriend as a pleasant day dream but don't regard him as an escape route to happiness.

I met up with an old boyfriend (definitely by chance, I didn't seek him out) a few years ago, at a work event, and to my astonishment, the rebellious bad boy I'd been in love with had been replaced by a teetotal born again Christian. I have nothing against people with faith incidentally, it was just such a surprise.

If he has actually kept all the things from when you were together I find that incredibly creepy.
If he hasn't then he's a liar trying to emotionally manipulate you
Neither options are great