Doubting myself

[Fredup12]

My H is extremely stressed at work (he has to give a few hours of lectures a week but this is not a strength for him and he finds it hard). He is working all hours on it. I also work full time.

A couple of weeks ago he had 3 days away because he said he needed a break, so I looked after dc alone. I didn’t mind too much because I thought he would be happier when he came back. He wasn’t.

Dc had to go for a covid test and he refused to take him because he said he was too exhausted from the driving he had done that weekend, so I did it (was negative as expected but he had a temp).

Since then he has said that if we get a call from nursery to say dc is ill, then we should ignore it. Or if I answer its on me to look after me. (Obviously I wouldn’t ignore the call).

Our car needs its MOT done and the only appointments available are on a weekday. He announced that he is too busy in the 2 weeks before it needs to be done and therefore I have to do it. I’m not saying I shouldn’t do it but I feel he cannot just announce that. There needs to be a chat as a team as to who has what on and how we can juggle everything.

There are other examples, but the general point is that i feel he keeps putting himself first, at my and dcs expense.

He has basically been ignoring me since I objected to ignoring calls from nursery.

I tried to raise this yesterday. He said the problem was that I need to stop hating him. I need to respect his opinions. He said it was me asking things of him, he wasn’t asking anything of me. He said the problem was me getting angry. I said that I apologise for that and am trying to be better but we still need to address his behaviour. For example i asked if it would be ok if I just announced that I was too busy and he had to do something. He just said I he wasn’t engaging and left the room.

I’m sorry this is so long. I just feel so sad. I just want to be treated equally and with some respect. I really try and do as much as I can but I just feel Im not being treated fairly.

But I’m starting to doubt myself because he sounds so sure of himself that he is right about everything and it is just me that is the problem.

I just feel so lost. Does anyone have any advice?

"He said it was me asking things of him, he wasn’t asking anything of me."

Ah - but he is asking things of you. He is asking you to shoulder the entire burden of family life while he opts out. He is asking you to put up with him being absent emotionally and practically. He is asking a huge amount of you. Sorry but parents don't get to do that. You don't get to just opt out. Well, bad parents might - it's not what good parents do. So what that his job is stressful. So's mine for that matter. So's my DH's. Millions of parents are combining parenthood with stressful jobs. You have to suck it up. That's the main point of being a parent: you don't just get to bow out when it suits you. So yes, you're right: he is putting himself first at you and your DCs' expense and he is wrong to do so.

Tbh, he is behaving abusively. He refuses to listen to reason and turns it on you (look into DARVO - it is a typical tactic of abusive behaviour). He needs a serious talking to about his attitude and he needs to take it on board. Much easier said than done of course.

I think you need to stand firm and particularly make the point that he is entirely wrong in saying that he is asking nothing of you. By bowing out of family life, he is asking everything of you. You are a team and you need to proceed on that basis. If he is depressed and/or stressed, he needs to find means of dealing with that. But simply opting out of family life is not an option.

And stop trying to do as much as you can. If he can't help with family life at all, let him feel the consequences. Perhaps stop doing things for him. Do you do his washing/his ironing? Say that you have to drop doing those things because you can't manage those as well as everything else you're being asked to do.

He's behaving like a sulky teenager - he's a husband and father - he needs to get with the programme.