Has anyone tried couples sexual counselling?

[mummyof2lou]

No longer feel sexually attracted to my husband. Wondering if this could help? Anyone tried this approach? Did it help?Thanks

I did many years ago. It was hideous and didn’t help a bit. Just prolonged the inevitable I’m sorry to report.

HRT135 - thank you. Can I ask what sort of things they talk about? Is it very different from normal counselling?

It was all about reconnecting but they took it to extremes. Separate and joint sessions (Relate) and then lots of tasks to do which frankly I didn’t want to. The tasks included giving things like lying next to each other and just looking into each other’s eyes for 5 mins and then massages, sharing a bath, touch without penetration, oral sex, penetrative sex then going back and talking about it to them!

It just made me realise that it was my sex drive missing, it was more than my DH annoyed the fuck out of me and I just didn’t want to have sex with him anymore brocade he was a narcissist and tosser. It was all about him and I was the guilty one. I don’t think the counsellor understood the problem.

Not a pleasant memory for me.

Oh no all those exercises sound cringey. Not sure that's for me either

Maybe it’s improved a bit since then. It was 30 plus years ago for me. I think it will only work if you still have all the feelings of love for your partner and just can’t understand why the libido has dropped. If there are other issues that haven’t been discussed then it won’t work. We needed relationship counselling for me but he wouldn’t entertain that. Can you imagine being given your “homework” which when you don’t particularly like your husband and read it is to spend 5 minutes just focusing on Giving oral sex to him. Yak! No thanks.

I’m always intrigued by the amount of MN responders who suggest sex therapy to posters and yet there are so few responders when it comes to “has anyone had any experience of sex therapy?” threads.

I always thought it was for men or women who just didn't want sex at all. I still want a sexual relationship, just not feeling it with him

Go on YouTube and view all of Esther Perel’s vids.
You’ll save yourself a ton of cash and are more likely to find answers.

Are there issues bubbling under in your relationship mummy? If so then it may need more than this. My attempt at this was doomed to fail as I just didn’t like him as a person any longer and so the thought of sex with him was just yuk. I found the whole experience traumatic and we split up within 6 months.

Issues are just 14 years together, 2 kids, daily grind, consistent lack of affection and interest from him. I now don't want his affection or interest, feels weird, not genuine. Can't get that urge for him anymore. I like him as a person, just don't see him as a sexual partner now. He feels differently

I've read the Esther Perel books but will check out the videos. Thanks

If you read Esther Perel you’ll already know that familiarity can breed contempt. The thrill of desire is fuelled by novelty and excitement. You either build that into you current relationship or you move on to a new one - but you’ll likely be in the same position x years down the road when familiarity sets in.

The quest for security conflicts with our need for excitement. It’s a circle that’s hard to square in a LTR - harder for some than others though.

Doubt sexual counselling will help that then mummy. You need to find the reconnection outside the bedroom before you can do so in the bedroom. At least you still like him which gives you some hope. I didn’t like mine anymore.

Just as a random question, are you on birth control at all? I took Yasmin for 2 years and over that time completely lost my sex drive. I stupidly didn't even link the two, but within a month of coming off it I started to want sex again.

This will be useless probably, but thought I'd post just on the offchance!

No not on any birth control at all. I just think it's him that I don't get the urge for. I do miss it, but not enough to want it with him

No I would not dream of going for counselling or therapy for anything at all. It seems to be what people rush to do these days, for any of life's problems.

I did and it was good. its more the resolution of all the background issues that help.. once you feel happier with the effort you are both making to eachother and doing fun things again and seeing eachother as fun individuals, then the desire comes back. it wasn't easy work though as therepy drags up issues that you've wanted to gloss over for years.

1forAll74 But you would, presumably, go to the DR for any issues relating to your physical health?...

Good for you that your mental health is so strong you don’t actually feel so desperate that you need to reach out for counselling

@pineapplepalmtree thanks for your reply. How long did you do sessions for? How long did it take to get back? Were you at a place where you couldn't see your OH sexually when you started?

i think we went for around 6 months and then felt there was enough improvements that we could continue working on it alone.. gradually got better and better over the next year.
Make a list of everything you dont like,resent, irritates u etc.. u literally have to start resolving every bit if your relationship and a lot will be things you need to both work on alone.
for example me and my parter spent time apart getting new interests/ hobbies, which made eachother more attractive - seeing your partner excel and have motivation, interests and new friends. .

Yes as a last ditch attempt.I ended up cheating on him and ended the marriage

@pineapplepalmtree thank you, so glad it worked for you

@ariestheram do you think you'd already emotionally checked out of the relationship already?

Definitely