How do I leave?

[cleplt12345]

This is a long one, I need advice.

Background story, been with my partner 4 years and we have a 5 1/2 week old baby. He has a history of speaking to other women, I caught him up to no good when I had been home from hospital after our baby was in NICU for a week and only 9 days old. He insists he didn't message the person but I know he did deep down. My own stupid fault for trusting he could change, I know.

I also found out whilst pregnant that he didn't want to be tied down to me and wasn't sure if he actually wanted to be with me. And I have since found out he's also cheated during our 4 years, this is a new discovery and I haven't spoken to him about it because I'm not sure how and I don't want to argue in front of our baby, he is a very defensive person and will refuse this has happened.

I quite frankly don't like him anymore, he is hard to live with, childish, doesn't do fuck all around the house or to help with our baby. Spends his time on his Xbox or planning things with his friends, we have done nothing as a family yet! I am completely and utterly done with him.

I don't want to teach our daughter to accept these behaviours by staying with him for her sake. I want her to always know her worth.

My problem is, we currently rent and he's the breadwinner, I don't possibly see a way for me to leave as I have no where to go and I can't afford staying on maternity pay. I have family but their homes are full. I am also in debt on my credit card due to him and I'm worried of being left with these financial problems if I walk out. I have put up with his behaviour for so long that I can carry on doing so to plan my way out of this relationship and not make a complete mess of mine and my daughters life.

How do I do this? How do I get out? I don't know where to start, I see no way out and completely trapped.

Firstly, congrats on your new baby.
Second, if he isnt abusive then you can make a plan for the medium term and then work towards it.
Write a list of all the problems to you leaving
Write a list of possible solutions to each one.

Write a plan of which one you are going to tackle first and how you are going to do that. Dont forget you can get help and advice from friends and family on your plan, but only tell them if they can keep it secret

@SeaToSki thank you for replying, lists are always a good idea and this sounds like a good to start step by step. He isn't abusive fortunately, just an absolute twat!

If your single and renting you would be entitled to some universal credit to help with rent and childcare for when you go back to work, have a look on entitled to website to see how much you could get, you would also get maintenance money from your child's dad.

Do you plan to go back to work OP? If you leave him you can go through CMS and set regular payments up each month. Stick to your guns and follow through.

You are making the right decision in ending this relationship. It sounds awful.

I know you're not married, OP, but there might be some helpful information at this link re. things to think about: www.marriage.com/advice/separation/thinking-about-leaving-your-husband/

As long as you are safe, it makes sense to take time to plan. It sounds like you will need to go back to work at the end of your maternity leave rather than remain an SAHP. You should never give up work and depend on someone else for financial support if you are not married to them. It makes you so vulnerable financially and legally. (In fact, it can be very risky if you are married; there are plenty of threads on here from SAHPs who are financially abused by their spouses).

Good luck, OP.

It was always planned for me to go back to work, actually earlier than the 9 months but I would also like to start my own business. So I'm wondering if this is a leap I take to support us both, I've been training in what I do for 7 years now so I'm pretty confident I can have a successful business, if covid sorts itself out anyway!

I did wonder about the benefits option for having a roof over our head before I can get on my feet, this was never my life plan and I've worked since I left school!

Although my partner is completely useless, he loves our daughter and I know he would most likely fund more than CMP!

In he isn’t abusive then I would put a plan together to bide your time. I would also take your family into your confidence. Their homes might be full but they might have other ideas on how to help you. You Sound like a confident, hard working lady who deserves so much more than this relationship. Good luck xx