Leaving should be so easy!

[Trust20]

I really need some help here!

We've been together 8.8 years.... back and forth to my mums with my bags packed but I always found myself back with him! We have a 5 year old daughter but I've finally just had enough and I want out. I don't see him in my future and I want so much more! Marriage, more children etc... (I'm 32).

He's cheated in the past, lied, taken drugs and drinks more than I think he should and always has! Yes, we've got past some of these issues and he's grown up 'slightly' and changed to an extent. BUT, he still when annoyed tells me I'm a f**ng idiot in front of my daughter and the more I tell him to stop the more he does it.

I feel like a SLAVE in the house to him and his two boys... in expected to do everything! And I'm just pissed off and had enough! I want so much more from life.

I've lost the emotional tie which is what always made me return when I should have run a mile!

I need to tell him it's over for my own sanity and so I can try and create the life I want!

Why when I have a million reasons to go, can I not seem to find the words or know how?

Please help! Feeling trapped and fed up! x

....8.5 years, sorry!

@Trust20
Don't panic !! There will be more posters very soon on your thread, offering advice, some of whom have been through similar experiences.
You say you feel like a slave to him & HIS boys, are they his to a previous relationship? There is a very recent thread on MN Relationships, "Made my plans to leave next week but am so scared", people have shared their experiences and have given good advice, please read it. In summary, you need to get all your documents together like birth certificates, passport etc, & prioritise what you need immediately. The advice on this thread was to pretend you are having a clear out for a charity shop. and store some things with friends & relatives. Best wishes to you for making the right decision for yourself

P.s. Just read through your post again, nobody can say you haven't tried. It sounds like you have forgiven him again & again, no doubt as you thought you were doing your best for your daughter. Now you are sure you have had enough, I hope life improves for you away from him.

@carreterra - they are his boys from his previous relationship (15 &17) I've been a big part of their lives and I think of them like my own, but I just feel used in this house.

I'd have to go to my mums temporarily oh and I've been made redundant (I have a good career) so I'm not panicking as I know once life starts to go back to normal, and I am employed again, I will be fine financially!

He's a good dad (the fun bits anyway - always left everything to me every selfishly and never been much help at all) - but I just want so much more!

Why do I worry about hurting his feelings by taking his daughter away?

I am nervous about the future, but if you don't grab life by the balls and go for it then???

Will I meet someone new and have more children one day? It's been my biggest blessing and I so want more! I'm 32... time to start again?

Perhaps make some solid plans for how you're going to manage the split - clearly running home to mum with your bags doesn't stick - so you need to sort out somewhere to go if you're going to be the one leaving. Start sorting out the practicalities, and leave the "emotional showdown" stuff 'til last.

.... he basically treats my like shit! Doesn't want to get married and refuses to own a home together! It's his house. I want all these things!

32 is young. I met DP when I was 36.

You need to first remove yourself from a toxic relationship. I wouldn’t hang around being house elf for some waster who swears at me.

Leave him and don’t look back.

What has happened previous times you've left to make you go back, so you can avoid being pulled back in again? You say you "found yourself" back with him, but why?

@category12 - I was still 'somehow' very emotionally attached and I just found it so hard to leave for good! I always had the mum guilt of taking my daughter away from the only home she'd ever known with us all there, and the fear I couldn't do it alone was so strong! But that was then and I've matured a lot since then, and finally realised my worth and what I want from life.... it's how funny how we can suddenly change the way we feel. Don't get me wrong the anxiety of not being with him is there because it's 'comfort' and the fear of the unknown and starting again believe me has hit me head on. BUT like I said I deserve so much better! x

....he's got a VERY good job, but is still very much a man child and I know he deals drugs on the side (he thinks I'm stupid) - I'm not sure how I got here with someone like him, but I have. I was 24 when I met him. He's 13 years older and so I'm now 32 and he 45. He's never going to grow up and most Importantly I don't want my daughter thinking all this is ok! It's sounds crazy I know and none of it really makes sense to me! Oh when I say he cheated... I discovered he's used prostitues behind my back over the years!

@frazzledasarock - have you had children with your partner you met at 36? X

Another one here who met their DP at 36, four years ago. It’s like night and day compared to my ex I was with for all of my 20s. I still can’t believe I’m now with someone so lovely after leaving such an emotionally abusive relationship.

Plan plan plan. Have plans in place for every excuse you or him might use to get you to come back. Move stuff over to a safe place while he’s at work. Take all your documents. Don’t leave anything important you might need to go back for. Ask someone to be with you the day you leave for moral support and to keep you strong. Keep people around you for the first week or two as much as possible if you can, it stops the wobbles about going back. Stay busy. Write a list of the awful things he’s done so you can read it every time you feel weak. You deserve so much better.

Your almost there op, keep going! What you're describing are trauma bonds and quite a normal way to feel and that's why you are hesitating a bit. The lady at women's aid will be there to talk to you and keep posting here. Everyone is rooting for you

Trauma bonding:

www.yourtango.com/experts/nancy-carbone/signs-emotional-abuse-trauma-bonding-relationship-mistaken-love

[quote Trust20]@frazzledasarock - have you had children with your partner you met at 36? X[/quote]
Yep we have two dc together, DP’s family treat my older dc like family and I was really tearful recently when MIL signed a birthday card to my older dc ‘love from nanny’, we’ve also got a house together and are getting married in a couple of weeks.

So yes it’s all possible I’m in my early forties now. And I really love DP.