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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So exhausted with everything

13 replies

Exhausted2 · 29/09/2020 17:18

Hey
I very recently left my husband. He said he didn’t expect it although I did leave him last year then agreed to marriage counselling (which never happened) and I “fell back” into the marriage. I found it really hard to do it a second time but this time I have said it’s my final decision, I’m happy with my decision and that’s it, I’m done.
He has caused me many years of upset due to his rages and nasty tongue, he wasn’t like it all the time but they way he acted towards me in these rages and the kids has naturally pushed me away and I was no longer happy in the marriage. There were other issues as well.
His family know all too well of his anger issues and even warned him in the early years that he will have to stop this or I will go, his old employer referred him to anger management, so it’s not an unknown thing.
Anyway fast forward to now and because I have eventually left him I am the bad guy because I won’t consider counselling etc. I just feel defeated right now, I felt empowered at first because I knew I didn’t have to put up with the shit but now I just feel mentally exhausted. His family and work colleagues just think I’m a cold hearted bitch but no one was there all those years I was heartbroken at the way he treated me and the kids it just pisses me off but I’m not the kind of person to be like...actually you know what!
I don’t know what I want from this, maybe someone to tell me I did the right thing, I dunno.
He can’t understand why I can’t carry on how I was, but why should I, I want to be happy and have the chance at finding someone and being truely happy

Xx

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2020 17:21

Stop giving a shit what anyone else thinks. If all of these people feel so poorly for your abusive husband they can marry him.

Don't even think of going back. You have a happy future waiting for you. Go find it.

sophmum31 · 29/09/2020 17:40

Absolutely as @Aquamarine1029 said. Do not worry about what you think other people think about you. I was in a similar situation but gradually discovered over time that most people knew what he was like and actually disliked him, they were just too polite to say anything while we were together!

You deserve to be happy and away from this creep!

frozendaisy · 29/09/2020 17:40

@Aquamarine1029

Stop giving a shit what anyone else thinks. If all of these people feel so poorly for your abusive husband they can marry him.

Don't even think of going back. You have a happy future waiting for you. Go find it.

See easy
LatentPhase · 29/09/2020 17:40

As above. There is all the fall out and emotion of dealing with ‘people’s reactions’ in these situations. It’s not pretty, and will take time, but really you’ve detailed with utter clarity why you left this knobhead (and his nasty baby tantrums). Without him holding you back you have a bright future ahead, so don’t look back even for a second.

Exhausted2 · 29/09/2020 17:48

Thankyou guys, Don’t know why but I needed a little kick up the ass x

OP posts:
YouUnlockedTheGateAnd · 29/09/2020 17:58

His family and work colleagues just think I’m a cold hearted bitch but no one was there all those years I was heartbroken at the way he treated me and the kids it just pisses me off but I’m not the kind of person to be like...actually you know what!

I think the phrase ‘where were you when he was being a massive cunt?‘
Might be of help here. (Even if you onisay it in your head)

SonEtLumiere · 29/09/2020 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

funnylittlefloozie · 29/09/2020 19:20

You say this
His family know all too well of his anger issues and even warned him in the early years that he will have to stop this or I will go, his old employer referred him to anger management, so it’s not an unknown thing.

But then you say this
His family and work colleagues just think I’m a cold hearted bitch

His family and work colleagues know perfectly well what an arsehole he is, so why would they think you are a cold-hearted bitch? Or has HE told you that "everyone" thinks you are a cold-hearted bitch? Heres a clue; they dont.

Delbelleber · 29/09/2020 21:40

I know how you feel. Stay strong. He's not your problem anymore and fuck what anyone else thinks because it's not them that's been on the receiving end of his shit all those times Sad

Closetbeanmuncher · 29/09/2020 22:58

His family and work colleagues just think I’m a cold hearted bitch

They're not dealing with the "unmasked"
version of the insufferable twat on a day to day basis so fuck them and their one dimensional opinions!!

For what it's worth I do believe you made the right decision. You deserve peace and happiness so don't let anyone make you feel guilty for taking steps to acquire it.

👑💐

Tiny2018 · 30/09/2020 10:00

You made the right choice. Try and stay strong.
I think you'll be surprised who really thinks what about you. People often pick up on more than you realise and manage to connect the dots. People that work with him are more likely to have wondered how the fuck his wife put up with him for so long.

Dery · 30/09/2020 10:11

“Stop giving a shit what anyone else thinks. If all of these people feel so poorly for your abusive husband they can marry him.

Don't even think of going back. You have a happy future waiting for you. Go find it.”

This is so beautifully put that it bears repeating a 4th or 5th time. Chances are they don’t think that (but he will tell you they do) but it’s not your problem either way.

Onwards and upwards, OP!

Toddlersareirrational · 30/09/2020 10:11

I'm in a very similar situation, it's awful that I'm now the bad guy that's "breaking his heart and ripping the family apart". But we have made the right choice, and hopefully with time we'll feel more confident about it. No-one else is living our lives so their real or imagined opinions are irrelevant.

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