Can someone please tell me how to build up my self esteem?

[bumhead]

I am 47 and have low self esteem which means I am needy and insecure in my relationship.
I've had a bit of a rough 12 months (haven't we all!) I lost my dad, my grandmother and my uncle and a close friend in those 12 months and feel like I've been wrung out.
I don't have any RL friends and am quite introverted so I guess I am ok with that, I don't mind being on my own.
But my self esteem is low. I feel pretty much worthless.
How can I put that right please?

I'm really sorry to hear about your losses, OP.

Have you considered counselling?

Other strategies are daily positive self affirmations. They sound silly and you may feel silly saying them but give them a go, they do make a difference.

If you tend to put yourself and your needs last, perhaps reading up on and practising assertive communication will help.

I recommend you eat well, cut down on drink, take a good multivitamin and exercise. Do something like yoga or qigong, depending on fitness. This is loving self care; looking after yourself and your body.

Thank you 501.

Counselling I have had before, it left me feeling totally frustrated as all she did was parrot back to me everything I said.

I am trying to eat well and look after myself. I just feel so hollow inside

Well if one therapist is bad, doesn't mean all are. Go for proper therapy. Also there are tons of books on amazon regarding low self esteem, you can start by reading some of them if you are reluctant to see someone.

Start doing nice things for yourself, take time out for yourself, spend a bit of money on something nice, and don't devote all your time and energy to your partner and DC.

This is a very sensible and useful book:
www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Low-Self-Esteem-2nd-behavioural/dp/1472119290?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

She’s also done a work book series:
www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Low-Self-Esteem-Self-help-Course/dp/1845292375?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Stop calling yourself bumhead

You’re not a bumhead you’re ace

Goodness me, you poor thing - that sounds extremely traumatic OP. I’m so sorry for the loss of your loved ones.
If you asked your partner for more support and attentiveness, would they respond in a way that would satisfy your needs? Because they are needs, not weaknesses, on your part, and shouldn’t be delegitimised as ‘neediness’.
Otherwise, if you separate out the trauma of the last year from a long term tendency to be insecure and you want to target the latter, I find that having a new project can do wonders. Working in a pub during my postgrad at a demanding uni made me feel great because I felt properly capable for one shift a week! Perhaps seek out something where hard work is properly rewarded by words of recognition. I think that could give you a boost.
You are absolutely full of worth - just from this post you sound intelligent and self aware. I’m sure you have a lot of value to put into the world around you.

And your therapist sounds completely frustrating 🙈 I have to laugh because I can imagine how pointless it must have seemed!

Counselling could really help. There are many different types of therapy, different therapists practice different types. It sounds like the person you saw was doing a type of talking therapy. It suits some people and some situations, but for me it made me feel like I was reliving it and it was really harmful. I'd look for a psychologist that does something like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) where you acknowledge the negative thoughts but work on things like grounding to move past them and focus on achieving your future goals. Or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), where you work on recognising then changing/redirecting the harmful thoughts.

As a PP said affirmations, focusing on self care (treating yourself as you would a loved one), getting enough sleep, eating well, gentle exercise and things like a gratitude journal can all help too. It all redirects your mind toward the positive and shows you that you are worthy of love and care. If you treat yourself as if you are worth being loved and cared for you'll start to believe that truth, which will your self esteem.

I was going to say something similar to other posts on here. I am a 40 something man with very low self esteem, I frequently suffer from depression and I think it stems from my childhood. A lot of it is to do with many rejections from friends and previous relationships. However I find taking each day as it comes is a good start. Try and join a club meet other people ( even if you really don’t feel that way). Talk to a therapist if you can and let it all out.

One thing I would say many people ( even the most outwardly confident) have huge self esteem issues.

I really hope you find a remedy/ relief from your feeling of low self esteem.

Yes I think you could find a better name than Bumhead - it’s been a shocking year for you.

School of Life on youtube - the self compassion video is good. You are not a duffer, these are TOUGH times.