Popping back for some more relationship advice

[JenaWren]

Last year you lovely lot gave me some great advice about taking a risk on starting a new relationship.

I took your advice and have had a BLOODY LOVELY year getting to know him, despite challenges like a global pandemic.

We have a fantastic relationship (shared values and interests, great communication and amazing chemistry) and things have been brilliant, even when we couldn't see each other for 3 months because of lockdown.

But I'm struggling a bit at the moment. After nearly a year, the relationship is naturally moving into something long term and I worry about losing the specialness that comes in that early honeymoon period. I've not had great experiences of long term relationships and I'm feeling a bit vulnerable again.

Can anyone share their experiences and advice?

What is the other option, you leave now and always wonder what might have been

There are no guarantees, nothing is for ever. Sometimes to have to jump in to a dark obis and hope for the best.

Surely life is for living and seeing where it might go.
Stop double guessing and live your life day to day.

In my experience, some relationships are the honeymoon period. Then that ends and I think, oh yeah there's nothing here really.
In other cases, it mellows and settles into a different kind of relationship, but it still needs to work for you both. You shouldn't be losing the special feeling - even after a year, there's so much to learn and discover and experience together.

Can you pinpoint exactly what the doubts are? Is there more to it?

Blimey light you're spot on. I am overthinking (again). Thank you for the reminder - it's helping already

Have you spoken with him - been open shared your vulnerabilities rather than getting trapped into some fictional psycho drama in your head? As the communication / chemistry / values are all spot on this should be productive.

Maybe it’s the time to again do something different, out of your comfort zone and take a leap of faith and speak to him.

You're still only a year in so this will probably come later but I think it's really important to see romance in the mundane: I find the fact that DH and I have been going through the daily grind together for 20+ years and yes, we piss each other off mightily from time to time and sometimes even wish ourselves elsewhere, but the vast majority of the time we really enjoy each other's company and still find each other interesting and worth spending time with. We are still discovering new things about each other. It's not moonlight and roses but at bottom I think it's truly profound and romantic that we and every other successful long term couple can do that.

You are overthinking and allowing past experiences to tarnish your relationship. Right now, you are being your own worst enemy. Things are great. Hopefully, they will stay that way, but every relationship changes and develops over the years. They are supposed to. The honeymoon phase isn't meant to last forever, and frankly, you shouldn't want it to. You want a relationship to become stable, dependable and trustworthy.

Take it day by day and just relax.

Good questions Ginny. It still is very special but we are more relaxed with each other now and spend more time together doing more of the real life day to day stuff.

He's selling his house and I've been helping sort it out. I've loved doing the normal things and we've both said how great it's been spending more time together. I guess it's just made me realise how much he means to me.

Opening up about my feelings is something that doesn't come easily to me lou but it's always worked really well with him. You've reminded me to keep doing that even specially when I'm feeling vulnerable. Lately he's got more on his plate and that's made me focus a bit too much on supporting his needs I think.

Great advice dery and very relevant. We're both in our early fifties and enjoy the simple things - cooking, dining, cycling, walking. Taking pleasure in the mundane was something he was keen to do really early on. I've not been in a relationship for a long time so everything felt new and exciting for me.

Guilty as charged aquamarine. My friends would say exactly the same thing. It's a good reminder that a lot of the problem is in my own head. He's great for me as he's much more uncomplicated and not at all afraid to talk about the important stuff.

Moving into a more long term secure relationship is actually far more fulfilling than the early stages. Making memories is great fun, developing your own relationship language, your own private jokes and a deepening trust and love is a long journey and can’t be rushed. At the same time you learn how to get over the hurdles that often mean the death of a fledgling relationship.
DH and I have been through a lot together but communication is key and we have never shied away from the difficult stuff. Our friendship and frankness has recently seen us through a difficult patch, we are still working on it but it has allowed us to air grievances and work on solutions. It’s often major life changes that lead to instability but the relationship skills you develop over the years means that you handle problems with the knowledge you have gained.
Some people are addicted to the emotional high you get in the early days and often mistake the deeper and more settled stage for a failing relationship. I recently read a quote that says “sometimes you learn to fly after you take the leap” this definitely applies to the transition from honeymoon to long term relationship.

I love that quote mum. And the way you describe long term relationships. That's definitely what I want. And I can see that we might be able to have that... at least with my head isn't getting in the way!