When to ask the big questions

[Hutchy987]

Hi all,

I’m mid 30s, divorced, and have met a wonderful man who I’ve been with for about 6 months.
We’ve talked generally about the fact that he’d like a child and that he hopes to get married one day but there’s a part of my inside that just wants the answers to the big questions so I don’t wind up a year or 2 down the line having wasted the time of my precious body clock.

Inside I’m wanting to ask:

• When do you see yourself getting married?
• How many children do you want?
• How much do you earn and are you in a position to buy a house?

I don’t want to end up with a man who I love but doesn’t actually want children or is financially unstable. He doesn’t give off any of these signals but I think I’m just scared from my past experiences.

When would you have these chats? Would you have had them already?

Obviously I’d put it more tactfully when speaking to him but I feel like Mumsnet is a safe space to let a little of the crazy out.

Please don’t tell me I’m the only one who has these thoughts...

We talked about the first two on our first date.
We didnt directly talk about the 3rd but I knew his job and the fact he was buying a house when I met him so I could work it out!

there’s a part of my inside that just wants the answers to the big questions so I don’t wind up a year or 2 down the line having wasted the time of my precious body clock - I just want to point out that asking these questions of him won't insure you against these outcomes. He can lie very easily, not necessarily to you, but to himself even. The types of general "chats" you describe are worse than useless really. All you can do is state your intentions clearly and then ruthlessly get rid if there is even a flicker of him not being on the same page.

Have you told him what YOU want? Or are you waiting around for him to graciously let you know that he might want to propose to you one day? If you haven't told him what you want, do you know why that is?

Fwiw my now-dp and I were extremely casual and I was not/am not in the market to marry/have more kids. But by 6 months in, I knew how much he earned and that he was a decent, stable person. By 12 months in, we were each other's go-to person for discussing pay raises, job offers, career progression etc.

I’m seven months in with my dp and we’ve had a very casual discussion about marriage. I’m mid 20’s but would ideally like to be married by 30. I swing between wanting to have an open and honest discussion about marriage, kids etc and playing it cool. Right now I think I’ll bring it up in a more direct way once we’ve been together for a year as I don’t want to waste my time either. I do hate that women are labelled crazy for wanting to have these kind of discussions. I’m not crazy at all I just don’t want to waste my precious time on someone that doesn’t want the same things as me

In my own experience by 6 months you start thinking if you like them enough for a long term relationship or end it because you can't see a potential future but if you continue then its still not long enough to say you want to marry and have children with because you cannot rush getting to know someone, you've both discussed that you generally want the same things but it's likely to scare him if you pressure with the questions right now so listen to what he talks about, he might even start to talk about it soon, I would think by a year there should be some talk of future plans together and that is long enough to question it, but for any reason you think it's not going to work out don't waste your time, go for what you feel is right.
Everyone is different though, these are just my thoughts.

One and two I asked within a couple of weeks, well, I asked if he wanted to get married and if he wanted children. Didn’t bother with number three as it isn’t important to me.

Now 18 months in the discussions have been more about when we will get married, when we will adopt etc. They started about february time?

Tell him CLEARLY what you want and within what timescales, saying you just want to be open with him with what you're looking for so that neither of you waste your time. Then ask if he's on the same page. That alone will also tell you where he sees the relationship going. By 6 months in he would definitely know whether you're someone he could see himself with long term. When men find the woman they truly want to commit to, they don't waste unnecessary time because they don't want to risk losing you.

If you're mid 30s and looking to have children, there's absolutely no time to waste so make sure you dont do the apologetic woman crap so many women fall into, hiding their needs/desires so not to scare the poor little man away, and therefore letting themselves be strung along. If the prospect of marriage/children in the future with you would scare him 6 months in, you certainly need him scared off now so you can find a more suitable man!

Thanks everyone, we have spoken about things a little, enough to think we’re heading in the same direction.
I guess I was just scared and having a wobble.
I know there’s no guarantees and men can lie, oh how I know that, but I suppose that’s the bit that’s scarred me a little from my previous marriage.
I’ll keep communication open and try not to let my history get in the way whilst also not allowing myself to be blinkered.

You really are a lovely lot, thanks again for your messages xx

I would say important to find out how someone feels about the big issues early on. It doesn't mean that you will get married/have children etc but it does at least show you how they think long term...

Good luck

It's good to have these conversations early on but be aware many women scupper themselves by later moving in with men. Some men will be honest at this point, some will lie, and some will be unsure, however ALL of them know that saying the right things to women will keep you around for sex and other benefits for him until the relationship serves its use for him if he actually doesn't want to commit. The power balance completely shifts once you move in because you then give him ALL of the benefits of marriage with NONE of the responsibilities. Whereas not moving in with the man who actually doesn't want to commit, once he knows you're not the one who wants to marry and have kids with, and you're not giving him all these benefits, he will certainly end the relationship as there's no benefit to him stringing you along.

So glad the conversation went well