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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just not happy

20 replies

RosyPickle · 28/09/2020 16:41

I live with my partner who is step dad to my DS who is 9. After splitting from his dad I was determined that any other relationship would be kept away from my son until I was sure there was a future (as sure as you can be), and I really took my time. Fast forward a few years and we're living together, DP is an amazing stepdad and a really loving partner, we get on great, shared values, supposed to be planning our wedding, although covid has delayed that for now.

But I can't shake this feeling of not being truly happy with him, and I can't figure out why. It doesn't seem worth disrupting our lives over, and the thought of putting my son through all that is just completely awful.

Niggles I have are, we don't have much sex and in fact we haven't had sex at all in the last couple of months but that's because he's been under a huge amount of stress due to a family situation/ bereavement. I absolutely don't want to make an issue out of that but I'm wondering if it's what's making me feel dissatisfied? The lack of closeness and romance? I do have a pretty high sex drive and I find that the sex we do have is pretty unimaginative too. So I think possibly the sex issue is what's making me feel like this and be more nitpicking about other stuff. I just have no idea how we'd even start to address it. I don't want to pressure him or make him feel inadequate, and I'm also not sure I could easily muster up the right mood now anyway. So I just don't know how to deal with it.

OP posts:

TiggerDatter · 28/09/2020 16:50

Maybe, very gently, have sex with him and see if that restores how you felt?

Original poster

RosyPickle · 28/09/2020 18:44

I guess I can try that. Just not sure if it's a normal way to be feeling?

OP posts:

seensome · 28/09/2020 18:55

Quite understand, you're feeling unsatisfied, a few months is quite along time. Have you tried initiating? Being generally more affectionate before hand too I wouldn't recommend suddenly pouncing but so he feels cared about, I'm not saying you don't btw but if you've tried everything on your behalf there's only so much that can be done.

widespreadpanic · 28/09/2020 19:23

Well when my mother passed sex was the last thing on my mind. So maybe he’s not really feeling up to it right now as a couple of months may not be long to grieve for some people.

Maybe talk to him and find out where his mind is at right now. Then take it from there.

TiggerDatter · 29/09/2020 09:16

Does it matter if it’s a ‘normal’ way to be feeling OP? We’re all different. I think what is important is to be fully in touch with your own feelings, to test and understand them. What other people feel or regard as normal is not relevant.

Original poster

RosyPickle · 11/10/2020 05:28

Still feeling the same way. Lots of little things bothering me - this neediness and nervous energy he always seems to have, his obsession with food and overfeeding me, the way he has to tell me when he's going for a poo. The amount of clutter he accumulates. The way he darts from one idea to another and doesn't see things through or is unrealistic about what needs to be done/ what is achievable - making big expansive statements and not backing them up. I could mention so many positive things too but this stuff is just building up to the point where I'm losing my attraction to him.

OP posts:

pog100 · 11/10/2020 07:30

If you are losing it, you are losing it. It's unfortunate that they sound like character traits he is unlikely to be able up change. It's kind of odd it didn't happen earlier since you say you took your time in moving in with him but you can't change it. You will have to split, I fear.

Arrivederla · 11/10/2020 07:36

Do you think the nervousness and lack of focus could be because of his family situation? Might it be worth him having some bereavement counselling?

FippertyGibbett · 11/10/2020 07:39

It sounds like you’ve got the ick and there’s no coming back from that.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man ?

Original poster

RosyPickle · 11/10/2020 08:52

I'm not sure if it's the ick but it's definitely an early warning signal. I really want to turn it around though.

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 11/10/2020 09:24

The overfeeding you is worrying. Is it a control thing. Does he want you to be overweight and unattractive to other men.

widespreadpanic · 11/10/2020 13:35

Usually when little characteristics about someone that didn’t bother you before start bothering you now it means you don’t like them as much anymore.

Original poster

RosyPickle · 11/10/2020 20:06

@Bananalanacake I don't think it's intended that way - he just has a massive thing about food (almost an anxiety), has to have loads of stuff in, no idea of portion sizes and talks about it so much. He's also a very good cook, I think he should have done it professionally really and maybe that would give him an outlet for his foodieism. I do like food a lot too but I'm trying to lose weight for my health, and it feels like he just totally doesn't get it 🤷‍♀️. I think it's more of a way to express love in a way but it's got way out of hand!

OP posts:

Original poster

RosyPickle · 11/10/2020 20:10

Anyway thanks for all these replies. I think I'll just give it some time and see if things settle down emotionally - for both of us. He's grieving for a close family member and we're both out of kilter at the moment. I think part of the problem is that I'm also way more introverted than him and he gets a bit insecure if I seem quiet when really it's just my way of trying to regain equilibrium.

OP posts:

ThatGirl82 · 11/10/2020 20:18

Does he have ADHD? Some of those behaviours sound really adhd-y to me (I have it) such as all the ideas and not following them through, appearing needy and nervous energy. It might not make s difference to how you feel either way as if you don't like those things, you don't like them, and he probably can't change them.

Original poster

RosyPickle · 11/10/2020 20:38

@ThatGirl82 that's a really interesting thought actually. You might be onto something! My son has ADHD too so you'd think it would have occurred to me. He's very messy as well😄.

Another thing he seems to do is collect stuff - he's really into classical music and opera, and has lots and lots of vinyl records that are different recordings of the same piece. He has more clothes than me, more shoes than me, more fancy kitchen gadgets - basically everything has to be in multiplies and we live in quite a small house so this pisses me off sometimes. We have so many cables for things it's unreal, and batteries, light bulbs, flipping collar stiffeners that literally never get used. No idea if this is an ADHD thing but it could be an indication of something?

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/10/2020 20:58

What do you think is behind his pressuring you to eat?

My first thought would be feeder fetish, or that he is more attracted to larger women.

But you said he was clingy - could it be that he's trying to nurture you, but the only way he knows how - which isn't the healthiest?

If it's a recent change or increase, did the relative who recently passed love to feed people?

redhenry · 11/10/2020 21:02

You have described my OH to a tee! The food - OH is the same we have more food than we need and I run out of places to store it. I often wonder if he grew up in a house that didn't have much food and overcompensates now. All of your worries with your OH I feel the same and every post you have written I've sat here nodding my head thinking how I could've written it.

ThatGirl82 · 11/10/2020 23:11

@RosyPickle I am not so sure about the collections multiples of things being an ADHD trait... Unless it is because he loses things and then replaces them with new ones, or if he hyperfocuses on the uses for them? But otherwise I don't think hoarding is necessarily a trait. It might be worth you gently suggesting he looks into it though, could give you both a better understanding of why he is like he is. You may then find those things easier to accept and with support he may be able to improve them (such as staying focused to see things through).

EarthSight · 12/10/2020 08:47

The food issue is the most important issue here.

Anxious people first try to control themselves, then their external environment, then the variables in that come into contact with that environment which means you.

You need to have a serious sit down with him to show him there are boundaries. He us no longer to overfeed you, comment on or decide your portion sizes (as if you were a child). There is to be no comments at all, no sighing, no sulking (which I assume will follow). You will continue to lose weight (because I assume you're a bit overweight at the moment)? Go to the GP, have a quick check of your BMI, and make sure you are adhering to healthy weight loss guidelines. Do not involve him in that.

If he was sexually attracted to you in the first place because of you being overweight (people call them chubby chasers), then that's something serious as you cannot continue being overweight because he happens to like it. I wouldn't expect him to admit it though - not everyone will like admitting ''yes, I'm most attracted to women when they are physically unhealthy or vulnerable'.

How does your partner feel about selling some of his stuff on Ebay? It might give him a real buzz. He'll also know that some of his stuff is going to someone who will really appreciate it, like the music collections.

One thing that helps me throw things away is have someone with me to hold stuff up in front of me and then I decide if to throw it away. For some reason I'm a lot more ruthless when I'm not holding an object. You might want to try that, although I would understand if you don't want to get involved.

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