What's going on? Drugs?

[troubledoldersister]

Not sure what I'm expecting from this, but wondered whether anyone had any insight.

I am 4 years older than my brother. I am a professional, he didn't go to university and has had a few jobs, settling at the last one for nearly 3 years. He has a son who is at primary school, a very turbulent relationship with his DS' mother and a new partner who he purchased a flat with during lockdown. Due to his work dropping over lockdown, his overtime has been cut and he has been struggling to get by day to day. Or so he says. He is terrible with money, always has been. Car on finance, expensive phone, spending money on rubbish. I am careful with money, albeit it I am lucky to have a decent job and DH who earns well. But I work hard for my money.

Last week he asked to borrow quite a significant sum from me due to not having enough cash to cover some bills. I agreed, on the basis his DP had already drawn the money down from her savings to pay me back the next day. Later that week he asked to reborrow the same sum. I agreed. His DP sent the money to me again, although she sent me more than he'd borrowed and he asked me to send the extra to him. This made me suspicious, but he confirmed that was what I should do, so I did. At the end of the week he contacted me again (called me 3 times in a row and text me, all while I was working) and asked again to borrow the money. When I asked WTH was going on, he finally admitted to having got a pay day loan for a substantial sum (3x what he had initially borrowed from me) with APR of 99%. Again he explained that he couldn't cover basic living expenses due to lost overtime. I asked how much was outstanding and agreed to loan him enough to pay it off, but told him he needed to sit down with DP and explain what was going on. He has been contributing half to all of the bills, despite earning significantly less than her, and supporting his DS. I told him if he didn't tell her, I would. He agreed to talk to her the next night. When I spoke to him yesterday, he said he had spoken to her and she now wasn't talking to him. She said if he couldn't afford to live there, maybe he should find somewhere else to live. This grated me, me and DH are a team - this felt wrong to me. I think she would get rid of DB if she wasn't absolutely desperate for DC.

I am so worried that there is something darker going on with DB. My DM found cut up straws with powder on in his bedroom years ago and also a couple of 'pills'. He is extraordinarily secretive, a liar and all round complicated individual.

Am I being a massive idiot? Is this just a case of not living within his means or is there something else going on? My parents are so stressed and want to pay me back. I have refused, I don't need the money right now. That isn't the issue. I just would like to know other people's opinions as to what they think might be going on.

@category12 so do I. You're clearly way more savvy than me, I think I needed to get a grip, so thank you.

@newnameforthis123 thank you, that just made me cry - again!

You're welcome and sorry for making you cry! I say all that as a former addict. I was a dick. I blamed my previous abuse, family dynamics, everything that I felt gave me a reason to not take responsibility and change. It was all true but it was my responsibility and my god years and years on I can't tell you how freeing it is to escape an addiction. People can still be functioning (even high functioning) in a job and spend a grand a month on coke, due to tolerance people would be surprising how much 'functioning' addicts do. But everything around you falls down, relationships, mental health... I hope he can escape it too, but it's not your responsibility. Not even a tiny bit.

@newnameforthis123 it is coke, I can't believe I didn't see it. I don't think I can ever unhear the words "yeah because I'm a drug addict". I just keep crying everytime I think about it. He reckons £500 a month. I'm not sure. I mean isn't a gram like £70? That sounds like a heavy addiction to me. And I'm guessing that's a underestimation, whether deliberate or not. A bit like when the GP asks how much one drinks per week (one bottle of wine, honest!) I shouldn't joke, but I'm just all over the place. This is so alien to me, I have no idea what to do or not to do. I know deep down this is not my responsibility, this is all on him. Doesn't stop the heartbreak though. Well done you for getting free (clean? I don't know and I don't want to insult you with the wrong lingo!) It's an amazing achievement.

I think he is using again tonight. I know progress isn't a straight line, but this is fucking heartbreaking.

[quote troubledoldersister]@newnameforthis123 it is coke, I can't believe I didn't see it. I don't think I can ever unhear the words "yeah because I'm a drug addict". I just keep crying everytime I think about it. He reckons £500 a month. I'm not sure. I mean isn't a gram like £70? That sounds like a heavy addiction to me. And I'm guessing that's a underestimation, whether deliberate or not. A bit like when the GP asks how much one drinks per week (one bottle of wine, honest!) I shouldn't joke, but I'm just all over the place. This is so alien to me, I have no idea what to do or not to do. I know deep down this is not my responsibility, this is all on him. Doesn't stop the heartbreak though. Well done you for getting free (clean? I don't know and I don't want to insult you with the wrong lingo!) It's an amazing achievement.

I think he is using again tonight. I know progress isn't a straight line, but this is fucking heartbreaking.[/quote]
Bless you, you sound like a bloody lovely sister! Totally depends where he's buying it, how much his dealer discounts for regular users (aka addicts) etc. Could be anything from £50-90 and at the lower end will be mixed with god knows what which increases the side effects. I promise you've done all you can and what you need to focus on is that not helping is a kindness while helping is enabling him. So now you know, remember that and use it when you feel guilty.

I was lucky (wrong word I know) I earned well and didn't buy what I couldn't afford but it meant I was 30, my business was taking £90k + a year with a great profit margin and I didn't have any savings so I'm a decade or more behind my peers who earned a third of what I did and now have houses as they saved deposits. The knock on effects are huge.

I'm ashamed of myself but proud I'm now clean. Thank you for being so lovely even though my behaviour back then was dickish. You're obviously patient kind and understanding - the perfect enabler but the perfect person to be proud of him and by his side if / when he gets clean and stops lying

@newnameforthis123 well from the side effects I'm guessing the cheaper crap mixed with all sorts. He says he uses alone, but that seems weird to me. Can I ask something personal - please don't feel you have to answer though- what made you decide to get clean? And how did you do it? He has been speaking to the GP and local ART already which is good. And his work are aware. I just wonder whether NA, CA or something might also be helpful. I also don't want to interfere in something I am acutely aware I have no knowledge or understanding of!

Oh I'm so sorry. That is crap. Hope he sees the light. Personally I'm not sure that NA etc will help unless he really wants to stop. Not because of shame, or parental disapproval, or angry partners, or even losing everything. The desire to stop has to be there.

If he has always been terrible with impulse control, money, addictions, sticking at things, what might just help is seeing a psychologist to explore the genesis of his issues. Might be something like adult ADHD or a personality disorder. Or he may just be feckless. But I do think most people who abuse their bodies are running from something or trying to self-medicate.

I think

@Saggyoldsofa he is definitely depressed and has anger issues too. We have suspicions about some childhood/teen trauma. He has access to counselling through his EAP, but they want him to speak to the local drug rehab team first. I take comfort from him having contacted the GP before he knew that we knew, but I am not stupid enough to think that means he is ready to quit. Thank you for your messages, MN has been really helpful these last few days. X

It might be helpful for his partner and you (and wider family if affected) to engage with support yourselves. There's a list here: [https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/advice-for-the-families-of-drug-users/]

Thanks @category12 that was helpful. A friend of a friend also works at a local drugs centre so I am having a chat with her tomorrow. Feeling a bit better this evening after a long chat. Just knackered and aware that this is likely to be very up and down. Probably for quite a while.

I'd second the suggestion of getting support for yourself and DP to focus on yourselves and stop enabling your brother - Turning Point, Addictions UK etc . How are your parents reacting?

@Nikki078 thanks, I actually spoke to someone who used to work for Turning Point this morning. She was lovely and it was helpful.

Parents reaction is much the same as mine - this is horrible, we want to help him - no one is sure exactly what to do (although I am getting a much better idea now) and we all know this isn't going to be "over" quickly. I have had CBT in the past and found it very helpful and am considering contacting my therapist just to protect my own mental health. Aside from this, I have a lot going on in life right now and previous experience has taught me that you can only operate at 110% for so long before it all comes crashing down.