Difficult family relationships - advice needed please

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi lovely people,

I'm looking for a bit of advice please, or maybe just to off-load 🤦🏻‍♀️

This all started when I was a child (I'm 45 now). My mum lost her mother when we was very young, so when she had me she was was very over-protective. I was used to being the only child, and then along came my baby sister when I was 4.

From what I understand, I think I struggled quite a bit with having to share my parents at first. But the real issues begun when I turned 8. My sister aged 4 developed childhood epilepsy. This turned my parents world upside down, especially as my mum has always been a highly anxious person. So a lot of their time, and attention was turned towards my sister - understandably. But as an 8 year old child this was hard to process. I sound like a cow saying this, because I'm lucky I didn't have the issues my sister had. But I guess I longed to have my parents attention and they just couldn't give me the undivided attention I so badly wanted.

As time went on, my sister grew out of the epilepsy. But then an even bigger issue came along, as my sister suffered academically due to her epilepsy- when she became a teenager she had low self esteem and took it out on my as I was the brighter one. My mum literally wrapped my sister up in cotton wool, and whenever my sister and me argued (which happened a lot) my mum would always take my sisters side for fear she would become ill again. The full on melt downs my sister would have in her teenage years were scary, screaming, shouting, slamming doors it was crazy. And my mum just pandered to her behaviour.

My mum and sister are literally inseparable, they did everything together so from the age of 18 I created huge amounts of distance from my family. Met a boyfriend and devoted most of my time with him, mainly escaping from my reality of my home situation. I basically went from never drinking a thing, to going to raves for 3 years and losing myself in recreational drugs. My dad worked all the time, and is the most avoidant man I have ever met. He loved me, but had trouble expressing it the normal way. Plus my parents had a very toxic relationship and argued all the time. So I guess I just felt very alone...

Throughout my 30's I didn't really have much to do with any of my family. Just concentrating on my career and my boyfriend.

Fast forward to 5 years ago. I became a single parent which forced me to move closer to my family. The one thing I told myself I'd never do. My family have been incredible, they have supported me both financially and emotionally. My mum and sister were both at the birth and it's definitely brought us all closer.

But I still can't leave the past behind me. My relationship with my mum is much stronger, but I can't help but feel to some degree abondoned and let down when I was a child. I tell myself that my mum dealt with the conflict the best way she could. But I have always felt my sister was the child she loved more. Even by the way she describes us. She says my sister is the more loving and caring one out of us, and that I'm more like my dad. Her words just make me feel utterly shit.

The problem is that me and my sister still have a troublesome relationship. My parents would love us to be a close family unit, but I just can't do it. My sister is hyper-defensive, so I have to always watch what I say and walk on eggshells around her. It's just not enjoyable spending time with her.

I've seen councillors to discuss my past and suggested that both my mum and sister have therapy too but they would never go. And too be honest it's them that need it the most.

I love my family and I know they love me too. My sister feels like I don't make any effort with her, and I probably don't. Because I've made the decision that in order to protect my own mental health it's easier for me not to spend time with my sister. I realised over the years that my past has made me at times anxious and feel very lonely.

Since having my child I've never been happier, I feel I have purpose in my life now. But my parents don't seem to get that I am the way I am through self preservation. They want us to be one big happy family and I know this will never happen, for me the scars run far too deep.

I can't see a solution to this problem with a harmonious outcome?

Sorry for the long post, there are so many elements to my story.

My sister is quite manipulative, she throws sort of adult tantrums even now she's 40 and my mum just caves and runs after her. Quite literally my mum still treats her like a baby, drives her to work etc - it's so odd. So even even when I've broached the subject, my mum is some way would just find excuses for my sisters behaviour.

Do you think it's wrong for me to feel so rejected? Sometimes I think I'm horrible as I'm the one who wasn't ill, but I've suffered in different ways.

Thank you 🙏 I guess that's mainly what I want to hear. For years I've struggled with my own set of issues, and now I'm coming to terms with it all. I've always sort of drifted, feeling like something was missing and with a loneliness within in.

I don't blame anyone, we have all suffered in our own ways and coped in our own ways.

I live close to my family, but apart of me would one day like to move country to start afresh. I think living in such close proximity isn't making me happy.

You should feel blessed in a way. You can live an adult life and enjoy your dc. Your dm and dsis are trapped in a monotonous cycle of abuser /enabler. Would you rather be either of them?
Giving your dd a nice life is a gift op.. You know too well not every dm can do that..
I am nc with my dps and have been for 20 +years.

I don’t think it’s wrong at all, but you need to remember that this situation won’t change.
Do you have any idea what your sister will do when your parents pass on ? Are you expected to take over and look after her like your mum does ?

My sister is married with a child, but she still is so close with my parents especially my mum. I dread to think what will happen when they both pass away. She will fall apart.

I've openly told my mum what she is doing is unhealthy but she can't help it 🤦🏻‍♀️ and I just come across as the cold hearted bitch.

My relationship with my daughter is amazing, I'm trying to do things very differently with her. I don't want her to go through what I did.

I've seen councillors to discuss my past and suggested that both my mum and sister have therapy too but they would never go. And too be honest it's them that need it the most.

You cannot fix them. You can only work on yourself.

Some of the things your mother says sound slightly toxic. I think you need to work on separating yourself from your parents and sister emotionally and becoming your own person.

Your parents don't get to dictate how close you are to them or to your sister. It is up to you to judge whether they are healthy people to be close to. You say they have been wonderful and I am sure they are in some ways but in other ways your mother sounds quite hurtful and damaging. It sounds a bit as if your mother is most comfortable with her children when they are weak and damaged and she is quite rejecting of strength and independence.

Your sister may be manipulative but she is not the big problem. Your mother's attitude to you and your sister is damaging to you, and you seem to have internalised some of your parents' stuff. Your mother seems to be setting you and your sister against each other with these hurtful comparisons, perhaps not deliberately but a parent should not feel the need to say such things. You need to protect yourself. Are you still having therapy? If not then consider having some more.

Hi OP.

I dont have any advice but wanted to say that you sound like an incredibly strong individual. Put youtself first - youve worked hard to get to the place you are now - emotionally and mentally; don't let all the hard work unravel.

You are valid to have your own experiences and feelings - your sisters'shouldnt trump yours!

Good luck!

Thanks Amaryllis.

I feel awful, because my mum has been there for me through tough times especially when I became a single mum. But yes the comments she's said can be damaging. When it comes to showing affection towards my parents, like cuddling etc I just can't do it. My mum joking said it was like I was autistic, sometimes she says stupid things like this which stay with me.

The other issue is my dad has Alzheimer's now, so I'm trying to support my mum. But I can't stand the closeness, in fact I hate it.

I've had plenty of therapy, I think I understand what's wrong with me now and learning to deal with it. Like you've all said, the situation won't change. For me the easiest thing is to move away one day.

Thanks Docus 🙏

Talking about this is helping hugely, because I've always felt I was the one at fault. That there was something wrong with me.

Can you sit down with your mum and explain this to her the way you just have or write it down as its her that wants you to interact more as one big family. Would she be open and honest about how she prioritiesd your sister due to her issues and be able to appreciate how you felt about what happened. Maybe broach the topic of her doing a therapy session with you so that you have a mediator to help support you both. Family dynamics can be hard work, I come from a family that can scream and shout and be really horrible and then they meet up again 6 months later and carry on like it never happened. Nothing is ever really resolved and everyone carries resentments that come out under times of pressure.

This always resonates with me. I don't subscribe to the 'all is lost' message...but it makes you look at others with more sympathy/empathy.

This Be The Verse
BY PHILIP LARKINN_
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

Wow Delia this is so true...

I've often wondered if it was better my parents didn't have children, because too be honest I don't think they were equipped emotionally to deal with children.

I'm just making sure I don't repeat their mistakes. Hence why I'm still single 5 years later and hardly dated, I want to make sure I make the right decisions with a life parter and dad for my child.

'Don't know' after one particularly bad argument I did send my mum a long email explaining how exactly this. And it doesn't seem to have made much of a difference.

I think I feel guilty for being distant at a time when my mum needs me, she often calls up crying when my dad has been abusive towards her and all it does it bring up the past all again for me. This stuff needs to be told to a therapist.

I'm in a similar situation though with the difference that I'm the much younger, was very ill as a baby, sister and it's my older, been jealous of me since i was born, sister who has been throwing tantrums as an adult and had our mother walking on eggshells.

I'm sure my mother wishes we were close but knows, and understands, that we're not. So I'm not pushed to be closer to her. I manage to avoid get for the most part but when I can't avoid it out really isn't good.

Recently spent a week in close proximity. Went to introduce my daughter to my mother and my sister had to be there every day. Visits to friends either got dominated by her, or had to be done in secret with the instruction to 'don't be too long as she'll be upset '. My first week of really being able to show my daughter off to people and I'm not allowed the limelight as my sister is jealous.

I felt sick every morning with great of how things would go each day, and cried many times. The first time in front of my mother she said she didn't think of be so upset about it, the second, when I offered a solution to make me feel better (sister not come over on the last day so I could spend quality time with Mum) was dismissed as it would 'upset her'. Who gives a fuck that I'm openly upset?????

As I said I avoid my sister as much as I can. I'm used as a sacrifice by my mother to avert my sister's attention away from her and I refuse to let this continue. Not for me, but I refuse to let her use my daughter in the same way. My mum's enabling of my sister had destroyed our relationship, but she can't let herself see it. And she'll have 'forgotten' about this latest incident by now and will expect me to have done the same.

No real advice then but to avoid your sister, and if your mother starts with the abusive comments to you shut her down and leave (though I should follow my own advice there - my mother thinks it's hilarious to tell me I was brain damaged at birth).

Sorry to hear about your experience. It sounds similar to mine, but like you say the opposite way around. It's definitley the way my mum has handled it. She now has a grown up baby, it's so wrong.

OP all I hear is you making excuses for your parent's behaviour and not really acknowledging those feelings of rejection and pain. You don't have to feel guilty for feeling hurt and rejected. It sounds as though you felt very othered by your mum and sister; looking in on the sidelines while they formed their own team.

It's ok to feel angry OP. It's ok to feel that your mum's behaviour was unfair. It's ok to feel a sense of injustice.

I think a way forward here for you would be to acknowledge those feelings, to bring forth the anger and get it out somehow. Journaling, boxing, shouting at a chair, punching pillows, drawing, smashing bottles at a wall.

Don't feel guilty for your feelings. It's ok to acknowledge that your mum has stepped up now but it's also ok to feel angry at the past as you were treated unfairly. You don't sound spoilt or bad for thinking that.