DH and my argument style... angry and not constructive...

[Callardandbowser]

Is crap. We both end up saying horrible things to each other, him accusing me of being nasty (I get exasperated when he won't engage) and me accusing him of the same.

It's a bit of both, we just struggle so much to communicate about things especially things relating to problem solving and juggling family life.

I feel like I won't be heard unless I get angry and that he'll do anything to avoid dealing with issues and he tells me that he feels bombarded by me when I try to work out issues with him.

He says that if he's tired, driving, stressed he can't think straight and I need to pick my moments better.

I feel that he's forcing me to be the captain of the ship and he just gets pulled along, leaving me to work through knotty problems alone.

Anyway after yet another horrible weekend of arguing, we agreed to schedule in time to talk about particular issues 'so he can prepare'.

I feel this is constructive and adult. However, I am still quite mentally drained by the arguing, feel guilty for being argumentative and angry with him and sad that we can't communicate with each other effectively. This usually lasts for a while and I am so tired of our patterns.

Can anyone else relate to this?

Try this counselling technique that does work if you give it a chance. Both of you sit opposite each other at a table with an object that has meaning for you in the centre. (It could be an ornament, soft toy, coffee table type trinket...whatever)
Whoever holds the object in both hands has the floor and is allowed to speak without interruption for three minutes maximum (have an egg timer to hand for this bit).
When he/she stops speaking or the egg timer goes off, the object goes back into the centre of the table for the other person to pick up and have their turn.
It's a technique that gives both parties a chance to speak without interruption whilst they're holding the object. It ensures both are listened to fully which is equally important.
If you set aside a thirty minute slot a couple of times a week for this activity it can become a safe space to air your worries, concerns and too, your grievances .
It's also incredibly therapeutic.

Don't argue when driving. Annoying as tits. I'd crash you into a bush if you were my OH.

You could also use the method of ensuring that after each person has had their say, the other person has to repeat what they said back in their own words, so that each person feels listened-to.

@ pallasathena thank you that’s sounds great.