Tell me if I'm being selfish ....... but I just need some bloody me time or I'm gonna lose it!!!

[mosschops30]

Sorry mars I know I am working but Ive had a shit morning and if I dont get it off my chest I'm gonna explode.

I am currently trying to write my 10,000 word dissertation, whilst working the odd shift, attending lectures, sorting the kids out, cooking all the meals, cleaning the house etc etc!
dh is 'very busy' in work, which seems to reliquish him from any further duties, or from speaking to me apart from grunting occasionally. he does put the kids to bed, because I go to the gym most nights (the only time out I have and gives me some control over something)
This morning my mum phones to say my step-dad has deteriorated overnight (he has Lewy bodies disease and parkinsons) that shes called the gp and community care worker but she cant cope and can I go up this weekend!

I have planned a weekend away this weeken (that my mum doesnt know about) its a retreat and I'm going on my own and I think if i dont go things will just get worse, she doesnt sound too happy that I cant go up to 'support her' but no fucker is supporting me at the moment and I'm just weighted down by all this crap.

There Ive had a rant, feel free to call me a selfish cow if you like.

Mosschops - just sometimes it does feel as though we are given just too much to handle nad stuff keeps being thrown at us and we wonder how much we can take.

You need to make a judgement about whether your mum really needs you this weekend - is there anyone who can go?

Also, on general day to day stuff, when life is this tough sometimes you have to think "something has to give" and if it means the living room not being hoovered or the kids going to school in crumpled uniform or a meal from a packet - then so be it.

You're not selfish! You're allowed this rant because you won't concentrate properly otherwise!

Do you have any siblings who can be with your mum?

yeah but I dont hoover every day, more like once a week at the moment and thats at a push!!
I'm just out full-time and still expected to do everything.

No I have no siblings but she has friends close by.

The thing is I have nothing more to say, she knows the options, it sounds brutal but its reality

go away this weekend, you need the break but you mum does need you. Can you leave kids with dh for a couple of days next week while you spend sometime with your mum. Take your laptop and you can work on your dissertation too
x

No I cant go up next week I am struggling to cope with all my college work, my mother knows the score, I cant tell her anymore, the last time I went up to 'support' her she took us to a health spa and blew £700 in one weekend. Which is nice yes but I dont have the time or energy to piss my dissertation away for that

Good god woman, get to the retreat!!!

Your mother can find someone else to support her, your dh can be a father for a weekend. And your needs are VERY IMPORTANT for YOU and your CHILDREN. Don't need two more hanging onto your skirt...

Do a swift 'I NEED TO GET AWAY OR GO INSANE GGGGRRRRRRRR!!!!!' speech and run for the hills.

Go to the retreat otherwise you will be no use to anyone

No you are not being selfish if you go to the retreat. Sounds like a very good idea.

I am definately going on the retreat. I will be even more miserable if I dont. My mum seems calmer now have just spoken to her on the phone, think my dad is going into hospital this afternoon. She knows she needs to make some decisions and I cant do that for her, Ive given her the best advice I can (same as I would give to any relative struggling to cope with being a carer) she still loves me anyway

back to the dissertation before mars catches me

YOu can't care for others if you don't spend some times caring for yourself. End of. Enjoy your retreat.

I dont think your selfish
to you

Jesus woman you are a saint!

I am in my final year now & my dissertation is around the corner... I am dreading it!

You do need ME time & you should HAVE it!

Go & enjoy yourself, you will be more use to your mum when you have had a rest & shared your head!

So can you get your dh to do more housework, cooking etc. It sounds like you've got four jobs/occupations going on - shiftwork/student/housewife/mother whilst he's got just the one plus putting your kids to bed which isn't exactly the most onerous of tasks.

Why isn't he doing more? You're not his servant.

agree with madamez. i am currently thinking about taking 1yr off so yanbu for wanting 1 w/e!

Point out (nicely!)to DP exactly what you do everyday, and ask him to think about how he would fit it all in at the weekend while looking after the children, cleaning up etc etc.

Make it clear you don't want to come home to a tip, that he should not palm the kids off on anyone else, he needs to get a real feeling of your life and responsibilities. Your academic work should be a priority for both of you as you've got so far and success is in sight. Is he interested in your work? I loved it when DP was a student as I did lots of reading etc so we could discuss it. We're both in the same field so good for me too.

I'm primary carer for my mum and have shingles at the moment; DP has stepped in as carer. It's an eye-opener when you are the one that's depended upon, and I hope will make a difference even when I'm well again.

You must definately go on the retreat!!
(what is your thesis topic?, just being nosey)

oh thank you all for your lovely messages it was better than eating chocolate

earthy I cannot be bothered to tackle dh about this at the moment. I dont mind cooking every day because I am generally home earlier and I dont cook Fri/Sat (but then he never cooks we have takeaway those nights). He never does any housework, we seem to have the rule that I do everything inside and he does everything outside (garden/bins). I dont know why he does more, he does have a very stressful job and he does pull his weight a bit more when I'm on placement, maybe I will tackle him when I havent got so much going on. He has little interest in what I'm doing, he does try but on the other hand I'm not interested in engineering so I cant moan

I am really looking forward to this weekend away, no kids, no tv, no noise, no phone, just me .

Earthy my thesis is on the importance of family visitation in post anaesthetic care units, with links to ICU and witness resuscitation. I am really enjoying the reading just not the actual work

Thank you all again, i thought I was gonna be stoned to death.

BTW fireflyfairy2, what are you studying (i'm sure youve told me before), enjoy not doing a dissertation, you wont believe how it takes over your life

Mosschops I have a DH like that & it drove me mad till one day I snapped.Went away for some girly me time with my sister (hadn't giggled so much in ages-don't ask me what about!)

While I was away I did LISTS (we run our lives through lists!)

But I made it things that need to be done around the house(not his & hers)& we all sat down & worked out what we could do to get the list prioritised & completed.Now my DD's are 12 & 10 so they can contribute more but even a small child can help a bit even if it's just making sure teddy is back on the bed every morning so you don't go mad looking for it at bed-time.ok so they need reminding to do it but it's a start!

I think by identifying the tasks & writing them down it helps the DH's see what you DO get through in a day, as well as clarifying your thoughts.Make each task bite-size so it's achievable & not too boring. As Claricebean says something has to give- maybe it's the housework-it'll still be there when you finish your studies.

Have a lovely w/e & don't you DARE feel guilty!

good news a rapid response team have been out to my mum, my dad will have carers in tonight from 7pm to help him get ready for bed. Then a night sitter overnight. The someone in the morning to wash and dress him. All this for free until he goes into hospital hoepfully tomorrow if they have a bed.

God bless the NHS (and I work for them )

Mossy I'm so glad....when it works it works well doesn't it?

...............and when it doesn't ....

(that's another thread!)

Now you really CAN emjoy the w/e knowing he & your Mum have help. I'm so pleased.

thanks bb it takes the pressure off me a bit

and yes I know sometimes the total opposite can be true sorry if that was too close to home for you

No not at all don't worry!

I used to be an NHS nurse & it hurts to see the system I loved being as crap as it can be now & cheers me when I hear stories like yours where it's brilliant as it should be!

I'm on my way to being an NHS nurse so i know where youre coming from. Thanks for the advice

Mossy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think you know what I have to say!

Anytime-you're welcome.

You're MAD BTW re becoming a nurse!!

(only jealous-I'm out of touch!)

oops sorry mossy got you into trouble with Miss Mars