How to deal with relationship issues that surfaced after the baby was born...

[RoRoMommy]

...so, before the baby things were great. We were that couple that everyone said was made for one another. Now the baby is here, six months have passed, and we have arguments about next to nothing and sometimes I fantasize about leaving him, though I know it's just an overreaction to a tense and difficult situation

I know that lack of sleep is a big contributor, and that we're getting used to the new distribution of responsibilities that are brought about by a new baby, and this leads to whose lot is worse than whose, but these meaningless and often brutal fights are getting me down big time, and becoming more frequent.

How have you all dealt with the change in your relationship brought about by the baby? How do you avoid arguments over who does what and how much? And when does it get better?? We want another baby (and perhaps another after that) but is that realistic given the difficulties we're having after just one?

Help, please.

What you are describing is actually really common! I remember wanting to actually kill my dh in the first year after dd was born. You have to give one another a break. Can you talk to him about how upset it is making you? For me, the only thing that made it better was time, cliched as it sounds. Although I suppose the 'who does what' aspect of our relationship is fairly straightforward as I'm a SAHM, but I know friends of mine who work and are still struggling with that one! (kids are about 2.8) Honestly, 6 months is NO TIME AT ALL in terms of getting used to the huge change of having a baby. I can't tell you how many times I seriously thought about leaving in the first few months and now I'm pregnant again !

Hi RoRo,

I think you have just got through the worst part and things should settle down a bit now. It is a huge adjustment and many relationships struggle to cope for a while. I think the main things are that you are both in agreement about childcare/housework (i.e. that you share responsibilities and are happy with the division of labour), that you are bonded by being completely in love with your baby (rather than it pushing you apart) and that you make sure you go out together and spend some time just the two of you.

I think loads of problems come about when the division of labour is unfair, the woman (usually) feels taken for granted and the man (usually) feels excluded from the love affair between mother and child

Don't know if this sounds like your situation but if so, sitting down and agreeing on who will do what (e.g if you are with your baby all week, he can have him/her on saturdays to give you some time to yourself and give him a chance to be with hus baby) will hopefully help

Good luck

It's ok, it sounds as though you'll be alright. This sounds so normal. It's horrible though to be going through it. Keep the faith, though, as this really does happen to so many people.

My MIL is a relationship counsellor and warned me about this phenomenon. It worried me loads but I was encouraged to read several books before we had DS which helped me and DH. They might help you now: Babyshock (a Relate publication); How to Babyproof Your Marriage; and Life After Birth.

HTH

Thank you so much! It makes me feel better just knowing that this is common...and time will help. I love reading so the books are a great suggestion. Skidaddle, you really hit the nail on the head, that's exactly what our issues look like.

We both work, so it's difficult to split things up. He does the cooking and I put the baby to bed. I take the nights and he gives me two mornings on the weekends to sleep in (usually until about 9-9:30am; this one has been the source of loads of arguments, but I think it's only fair and he does too, when it's not Saturday morning!).

We are working things out, slowly, but then we have fights like last night and it feels like we're back at square one. It doesn't help that we're from the States and have no family here, so no one to take DS so we can get time together (nanny just agreed to do two weekend nights a month, who can blame her she's with DS all day, every day).

My mother is moving here to live with us and help with the baby in December, so I keep hoping we can hold out until then. It's so reassuring that I am not the only one who has had fantasies about knocking off my husband (and his two mangey dogs).

Thanks, fellow mums!

the books will help you both feel entirely normal

and when baby sleeps through you will be amazed how much better you will feel/behave etc

God, sleep is an entirely different issue. No seriously, I've posted in the last couple of days in the sleep section...whether to continue co-sleeping or not, that is the question.

Yup, utterly normal for a first baby. I think you have a number of reasons to be cheerful:

1. at six months you are still speaking to each other and actually making an effort to be split up jobs evenly...many couples get into a point scoring mode which can go on forever

2. if your baby follows an average curve this is probably the point of peak exhaustion. With luck you'll both be able to claw back some energy over the next 6 months or so, which will help you both cope better

3. many men find tiny babies (particularly the first) alien, exhausting and frankly rather hard work. Actually, come to think of it, a lot of women do too . As your baby gets bigger and more interactive your DH will, with luck, actively want to spend more time shouldering childcare duties

4. It sounds like you've been sensible and got him involved in childcare/domestic stuff from the outset which means he won't be able to plead ignorance in future.

5. Finally it sounds as if your DH is trying to be fair when he's feeling rational, not exhausted. That's less common than you might think in relationships and should be priced above rubies, IMO.

Oh, and FWIW, when we had our second DS we went from being being characters in a John Osborne play (vibrating with hatred, petty greivances and point scoring) to a watered down version of the Waltons . So don't sweat it!

none of my business obviously but does the co-sleeping affect your sex life?! that can cause tension!!

Thanks, Gizmo, that's great. Am definitely feeling more cheerful!

Newgirl, no worries. Co-sleeping isn't the problem, as we're quite happy with the couch at the moment, it's exhaustion and alienation. The alienation, I think, could have to do with the co-sleeping, so perhaps there is a link but not as direct a one as you might think.

I do miss the physical closeness with DH, but since I get so much of it from DS, I can see why I don't give it to DH, and I know this is a problem. I am working on it...

Roro - that is common too - that you're so hugged-and-kissed-out by the end of the day that you just don't feel like hugging and kissing your DH. That should pass soon too as your ds gets more mobile and needs carrying less

RoRo - As mum to a six-month-old I really sympathise!! My and dh's relationship was so strong before we had children and had survived so many problems (health related etc), but nothing was as challenging as having dd!

To be honest our relationship is only just beginning to return to its pre-baby state and isn't it a coincidence that it should be happening just as my hormones return to normal and my sex drive peps up?!

I don't know if that's an issue with you because of the co-sleeping, but I found that actually the lack of sex was causing big problems for us. We were becoming more like brother and sister than lovers.

As for arguing about who does what, yes this has been a big issue too. We did talk about that before dd was born, and I think as a result we both bite our tongues quite regularly rather than have it out. So there is occasional simmering resentment rather than massive confrontations! Also we have both let housekeeping standards drop through the floor!

The situation isn't helped by the fact that dd has never taken a bottle, so hasn't been babysat by anyone else for more than an hour. I'm really trying to get her to take a bottle so we can have some time just for the two of us. Are you getting any time without the baby so you can forget about your responsibilities for a while? I do really think it's important.

Also - I really know what you mean about the physical closeness. I just didn't feel the need to get so close with dh, and I have really had to make an effort to get back into the physical side of our relationship. But I do think that if we weren't being physically affectionate, that over time it might really affect the way we felt about each other.

roro
its big adjustment,life,relationships, justg everything changes beyond recognition and in ways you can never imagine before..

sleep deprevation is recognised form of torture

hang on to the thought that it gets easier, it does
you get into swing of it

dont sweat the small stuff and cut each other slack, step away from the fights as they are meaningless tell him you are tired let him tell you he is too..
talk

Gogo, how did you get your sex drive back? As I am still breastfeeding, mine is barely a spark, and when it is it's promptly doused by thoughts that my DH is more of a child than my DS with all of his complaining and arguing over nothing...

As for the bottle, what have you tried? We had to test different nipples before DS finally took to it. He's a fan of the flesh coloured, ergo nipple. Good luck with that, it does help so much to be able to get away...

RoRo, all I know is that I had my first period and suddenly I felt like doing it again!! I'm still bfing just as much as before including twice a night. We did go on holiday to Greece at that time so maybe it was something to do with the mediterranean heat or something... I don't know what happened, it just came back. along with all the PMT rattiness as well, might I add!

I haven't tried the ergo teat yet, I'll have a look out for that, thanks for the tip.

Oh, right. Period. What are those again? At my current rate, and with no holidays to warm places planned , I think the sex drive thing is doomed to continue at its current low rate...

oh dear, sorry, i'm not making you feel any better am i??! Of course when I say 'felt like doing it' I'm talking about no more often than twice in 8 weeks. Who really feels like sex when you're this exhausted? Not me! Nor dh.

Read this book

Babyproofing your Marriage

then get your DH to read it.

I'm only just preparing for the earthquake that a new baby appears to be (so am not qualified yet) but from what I've read there seem to be a few key points that you need to consider:

Don't point score with each other (who has had the least sleep etc, who changed the last nappy etc) It's about getting through it as best you can

Forgive each other in advance for the nasty things you'll say and do in the face of extreme stress

Ask your DH for what you need (be really honest) People (esp men) appreciate clear goals with thanks at the end of it.

Get help from outside if you need it

Don't try to be some kind of Uber mum, esp at the expense of your DH

Accept that this little baby will have a HUGE impact on the rest of your lives and you'll never be the same as you were before it.

This will probably be the most challenging thing you will ever do but with a bit of hard work you can still be a loving, happy family.

Advice over.........Putting all of that into practice in the face of reality sounds really really hard, but if you were the perfect couple pre-baby you stand a good chance of being able to make a go of it.

And please come back in 3 months and say that things have improved. I've got a brilliant relationship with my DH just now and I'm terrified that the impact of a little 'un is going to have, I'm already bracing myself.

the one thing i remember from babyproof your marriage was the 'friday night fix' - you guessed it!! apparently sex on a friday sets up the partner for the weekend and they are much calmer happier people and i guess mum is too! i guess it doesnt have to be a friday exactly but funny what stays with you!!

if you can cope with the first 12 months of having a baby you can cope with anything that life throws at you.things will get easier hun.i went through it with dd. you don't really know how much having a baby changes your life in every aspect.maybe you and dp need to go for a nice meal and just talk to each other x x

my boys a year now, and my period finally came back last week. (still bf but down to 2 so have been expecting it for a while!) anyway, for the first time in a year i initiated sex and went through it without wishing i was watching supernanny instead!!
me and my dp still fall out every 3 or 4 days over something ridiculous. but at 6mths it was more like every day (or several times a day). its better at a year than it was at 6 mths, im sure yours will grow sturdier too. im hoping it will carry on improving though!
i had no frigging idea just HOW big a deal having a baby would be. i think it helped me to stop expecting our relationship to be exactly like it used to be.it isn't. we're not gooey and all over each other anymore, we're tired and our attention is given to this mini monster we both adore.
my favourite trick is to set a future date to start reworrying about something. so, don't even think about leaving your partner again until March, then you will reconsider. this way it stops you dwelling on the notion you should "do something".
saying that, i still think about leaving my partner at least once a week. he swears blind he NEVER considers leaving me. he must be crazy cos im horrible sometimes!

I could have written your OP several times over the past year, but from the Dad's side, and to be honest I still could

Having a baby was like someone chucking a handgrenade in our relationship (over 10 years).

At times everything I do seems to irritate DW, and we do the point scoring to - as much as I know we both try not too. I feel very cut out emotionally at times - there's just too much for DW to do and she's too tired to consider me; but I think DW feels like that too as I'm perhaps too doting a Dad.

I think you do right to set goals ahead, dates you can work towards. For us it has been weekends, holidays, DW returning to work. 'If we can just make it to...' I'm continually saying to myself 'Be patient, things will get better'. They just have to, there's no alternative, no Plan B. I want her, and our family.

If you both feel that way and let each other know often enough in the good moments between the rows, then surely things will improve.

Oh, and I wouldn't worry too much about sex, just give your bloke a hug and a snog every once in a while.

Thanks everyone. I am feeling much more hopeful now. I've got the Babyproofing book coming in the mail today, and I am generally more at ease that what I am (we are) going through is a normal part of having a baby.

Physical closeness, or lack thereof, really has an impact on our intimacy emotionally. Maybe this should have been obvious, but it wasn't until recently.

Scruffy, good for you for getting on top of these issues before you even have your baby. That's incredible. I am not sure if it's sad or sweet, but I remember naively telling DH that I was sure we'd be fighting over who would GET to hold our baby after he was born, and in reality is was over who should HAVE to hold him. I really had this fantasy world in my brain where the baby would do nothing but add more roses and happiness to our lives. And no complication. What was I thinking? And I got breastfeeding books, labor books, going back to work books, attachment parenting books, but not a single relationship book. IMO, you're already ahead of the game. Congratulations and good luck.

Dadada, patience is the word. Patience. Time, forward movement, experience, perspective, these are all ideas I am trying to linger on so I can keep going.

I love DH. He's a great dad. He's a great husband and he's my best friend. It's just amazing to me that we can say such hateful things to each other when we fight! But I am going to try to stem the tide.

Thanks everyone.

Your DH is probably hacked off at both of you not sleeping together, baby co-sleeping and you not getting any quality time together!