do I email my father's 'other woman' to tell her how I feel??

[KeepingItPrivate]

Background: My parents' marriage is not perfect but it kind of works and they do love each other. They live apart mainly because of their jobs and it seems to work fine for them to see each other in small doses on weekends so that they don't get on each others' nerves too much. Fine. We've all got used to that and if it works for them, then the rest of us are happy for them.

Last year my father utterly shocked himself (his words) by having an affair with a family friend over a few weeks, and picking it up again earlier this year. She is from another country and both affairs happened during her visits to the UK. SHe is now living in the UK (because of her job) in his house (this was arranged loooong before anything happened but I don't know why they didn't just change the arrangements ) and tbh I don't know whether they are still in a relationship. I know that she wants one but I don't know what is going on.

For a while before this my parents had been talking about selling both their places and buying a bigger place together that would allow them to live together again but not invade each others' space to much. Earlier this year my mother started making appointments to see houses and that prompted my dad's confession. He had to tell her what had been going on, which obviously hurt my mum a lot but she has been very grown-up about it all, saying that he has to work out for himself what he wants to do and how he feels. It is now a matter of waiting for him to decide what he wants (could take a while, believe me) although my mum is also very clear that things would never be the same again between them.

So , I have got over the shock of this happening in my family, and between my parents. The most difficult part of this at the moment is actually my feelings towards the other woman. She has been a family friend for over 20 years. She used to babysit me and my sister. She is actually a lovely and kind person, and I used to look up to her a lot. My problem now is that she has seriously hurt my mother, and for that reason I can't be normal towards her or continue to have a relationship with her. I would like to tell her this, mainly to make it clear what my problem is - it isn't what she and my father did/are doing but how she treated my mother.

MNetters - help me decide, share your thoughts/instincts/experiences. Do you think it is a good idea for me to put this in an email to her? I don't live anywhere near them so I can't go and talk with her unfortunately or I would. I don't think I'm brave enough to do it over the phone either. It would make me feel a bit better by explaining to her why I can't be normal towards her. But even though I would be polite in my email, is sending it just a cruel and uneccessary thing to do to another human being in an already difficult situation? I don't want to descend to squabbling and pettiness.

Really really hoping my name change works... My sister knows nothing about the affair and I obviously don't want her to find out through MN, which she comes on to sometimes.

Thank you. It feels good at least to write it all out, even if I do chicken out from sending the email.

Nope don't bother sending her an email. She knows why you can't be normal with her already. Hard as it seems it is up to your mum and dad to sort this out and it may well not end up as you want.
TBH their relationship sounds far from perfect, it may be best all around if they did split up. then your mum would be free to meet someone who did want to live with her.

This is v difficult and I really feel for you but I think you probably shouldn't e-mail her. No matter how much we think we know about other people's marriages (not least our parents), we don't really and this is something they all have to work out for themselves as hard as it is for you. You can demonstrate love and support in many ways to your mum but this does not have to be one of them.

Message withdrawn

don't email. but it doesn't sound like either of your parents have been happy for a long time.

i agree too. dont email her, but maybe email or speak to your dad??

I wouldn't say anything. In fact, I would never say anything to this woman again. That would surely speak volumes. Surely she betrayed you all?

Your mum sounds like she's being amazing. And is your dad having his cake and eat it?

I hope your parents works things out and that both get happy again, whether together or not.

I had a situation a bit like this with my parents, albeit when I was a small child. I have spent my entire life feeling bitter and resentful towards the "other" woman. She split my parents up which for may years resulted in a sad and painful childhood for myself and sibling. I have always blamed her for that. However,having gone throuh counselling, I eventually realised that I was putting all my negative feelings onto hr, when in fact it was more about my relationship with my Dad and his role in it al.Once I'd addressed this I came to the conclusion that she owed me nothing, it was my Dad who should have had our best interests at heart but didn't. I don't knowif this helps but all I'm saying is sometimes we want to blame an outsider when often theproblem lies within the marriage and if it hadn't been her it may have been someone else?

Stay well away. Your parents' relationship is none of your business.

Thanks for the replies. I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting so many people to advise not emailing her. And the fact that you have has made me have a bit of a deeper think about why I want to do it.

I reckon that, for me, this is about establishing where the relationship between me and her stands now, rather than about what she did to my mother. Because, much as it is dificult to think about, the day may come where she will officially be my father's OH and in order to keep my father happy, I need to know in myself that I have been clear with her about what happened between me and her. I feel she has destroyed our friendship too. Does that make sense?

OMG this is complex. I'm realising now that my brain has been scrambled about all of this for way too long.

In all honesty I wouldn't send the e-mail.

My FIL left MIL a few years abck after 40 years together, 35 years married. MIL was devastated- and of course it soon turned out there was another woman invoved (he still swears it came after but he was seen holding her ahnd and we just avoid the issue now).

Thing is, their marriage wasn't giving either of them what they needed- they led separate lives albeit in the same house (a TV each and completely different friendship groups, hobbies etc- nothing at all in common) and although she was prepared to live like that 9and apaprently with no sex either- coz we needed fil giving us that info LOL), he wasn't and with retirement approaching it seemed more urgent to him to do something.

A lot of relationships were damaged in the ensuing mess- because werefused to disoen FIL (not fair on the kids) MIL has disinherited us and BIL won't talk to dh or I, MIL and BIL don't even know I am pg again (MIL is a known cow anyway, but BIl and Dh were close- but BIL still lives at home despite being 33).

Anyway, it took a long time but eventually Dha nd FIL got back on speaking terms, and now are as close as theye ver were- indeeed Dh speaks to him to say more than 'can I speak to Mum please?' which is quite something! And after a lot of wariness, one of the best things that ahs come out of it all is an unexpected friendship with FIL's now-Fiancee who is lovely. She makes him very happy, but slowly we are gaining an extra family which seems wierd, but even her Mum is a friend who has offered to make baby clothes for us! Friendships can spring from the most unexpected places.

This would never have happened if Dh and I had not decided to trust FIl's decision as to what he needed from the rest of his life. Dh and I don't approve of abandoning MIL (though frnakly the woman is a nightmare, even banned his mates from the hosue for life because one ahd a medical condition that amde him a bit smelly- a condition that killed him eventually). But as an adult and someone we both love, we cannot dictate to him how to live his life. I think respect changes its definition depending on each relatinship, but in this one I think thats how we do define it.

As you say 'it feels good at least to write it all out'

Write a letter, not an email, BUT keep it to yourself. Express your feelings and put them on paper. Come back to in a few months and read it again, I am sure you will be gald you didn't send it.

Diaries are great for reflecting back when you are in a different frame of mind.

KeepingItPrivate - yes, try writing it all down but don't under any circumstances show it to anyone .

The emotional life of your mother, your father and your father's girlfriend really are none of your business. I completely understand that you find it difficult to come to terms with this shift in your parents' relationship, but be honest - their relationship has not been happy and healthy for a very long time. Just because the unusual status quo has been upset doesn't make your father's girlfriend into the cause of your parents' poor relationship and she really isn't deserving of blame.

Why don't you go and see a Relate counsellor (on your own) to try to explore your feelings a bit?

I really hear what you are saying, Anna88, and am grateful for the advice. It is of course difficult to adapt to the change but I am well on the way to dealing with that aspect of this strange situation now. But even if I didn't explain myself enough in my OP, my problem is not about my parents' relationship and what has happened between them. This is about my relationship with a friend (the other woman). So viewing my question in that light, do you still think I should not 'talk' with her? (Genuine question btw).

See. I am getting there!

Wotz - thank you too for the rational advice. I think that advice would be applicable to any type of problem, actually, and will make use of it in future.

KeepingItPrivate - OK, your relationship with your father's now girlfriend has shifted. If I were you, I wouldn't say anything at all to her and I would let yourself get used to the change very gradually. You probably feel a loss right now - as if she has moved away from you by moving into an intimate relationship with your father - but, if her intimate relationship with your father continues and develops, you will in time get used to it and will feel comfortable with that person again. In fact, if she becomes your stepmother, you will have a tremendous shared past relationship upon which to build your future relationship, which won't solely be due to the fact that she and your father are a couple.

Stay silent . Things will mature and evolve of their own accord.

Hi there
I was in a similar situation a few years and did vent a lot of anger on the other woman. Regret it now as although I'm still mad with her really its my dad who let us all down not her.
Getting overly involved in my parents marriage was a massive mistake as well, it just led to loads of pain for me and probably made things worse.
I think Carmenere gives good advice.

Definitely, definitely don't "talk" with her. I can't see that any good will come out of it, whereas I can imagine any number of possible negative consequences.

i think your relationship with your dad's girlfriend should be guided by your mother

eg if she no longer speaks to her again, then i think that is what you should do to

if your mother decides to be friendly towards her, then i guess she has moved on and is willing to accept the change, and then so can you

i think ultimately the new partner has no interest in your or your mother's feelings so why should you want to maintain a relationship?

But surely the other woman does have a responsibility in this, not just the OP's dad? She knew the family well and was supposed to be a friend. Thus it's not just about the OP's realationship with her dad, is it?

But I wouldn't say a word. Especially not to her. Ever.

Mend bridges with your dad when you're good and ready.

I'd speak to your Dad. He seems to be getting away with his terrible destructive behaviour what with your mother behaving like an "adult" about it and the OW getting all the blame.

Where's his responsibility?

Hi there

Sorry you are being faced with this.

I agree that your parents' relationship is their private business but as their daughter this will have an effect of some sort on you and you have a right to express that.

BUT

I think you should be talking to your dad not the other woman, he's the one who has been dishonest with your family.

My dad recently did exactly the same thing (though not with a family friend) and I was very angry with him and his "fancy woman" for the hurt they had caused my family (affairs hurt more than the wronged wife / husband).

I fully accept that both parents were responsible for the state of their marriage but felt my dad had crossed a line.
In the end I wrote a very honest and calm letter telling him how I felt about things without blaming him alone for the situation - it was his subsequent handling of the affair that ending up causing more trouble than the deed in the first place.

I know he showed my letter to his gf so they both know how I feel and I am not carrying around a lot of bottled up anger like I was before. I can also be happy that I didn't just go off on one, venting and coming over like a mad woman.

The guilt made my dad start behaving like a bit of a lunatic; emotionally lashing out and clamming up in equal measure. Me screaming like a banshee would only have fuelled his fire.

I hope that helps, whatever you decide to do, good luck.

No don't send her an email. She would have to have the skin of a rhinosceros not to notice your family is effected by their relationship.

Look after your mother, make sure she's ok. its better use of your time and emotions, and ultimately, more important.

Many thanks for all the thoughts, everyone. Lots to keep me in perspective there. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

My mother has indeed been very grown up about it all, including being very 'decent' towards OW when a strange set of circumstances meant we were all socialising in the same place. Cheekily, her over-niceness towards OW made OW feel awful that day, and my mother and I had a gleeful giggle over that later!! Naughty but fun!

My dad is not a very decisive man, and has always found it easy to let my mother make all the decisions for them. Maybe I should be reading more in to that actually. And now my mother has told him to make his own mind up about what to do next and who to spend the next stage of his life with... and no surprises, he is naively dragging his heels because he doesn't want to hurt either of them. [eye-rolling]

I will not be sending that email. I have decided. But I might just write down how I feel and tuck it away somewhere to look back at one day, as suggested. She is no fool, she must know how I feel. For some reason it is important to me that it is clear that I am not upset at someone taking my mother's place (because she couldn't), just that she has broken trust in a masive way. Like Anna88 said, time will do its thing.

another little reflection...

it's just struck me that another part of why I felt compelled to write that email was that my younger sister lives close by to my dad and sees him and OW all the time (although doesn't know that something happened/is happening), and it makes me furious that she is essentially still treating OW like the friend she has always been. Under false pretences. DOes that make sense?

There. I am really getting there with this now . Protective older sibling combined with losing a friendship = not good.

can you imagine how your mum must feel if you are feeling so bad about it.she is being the better woman and saying sweet f.a. i think you should let them work it out themselves, but i do think the evil OW should move out of your dads

maybe you should approach your dad