Are you "in love" with your partner?

[InMeJimJams]

Been with dp for nearly 6 years. I love him but I'm not sure if I'm "in love" with him.
We've had many issues, he's been a total knob in the past but he has made a huge effort to change over the last 2 years and actually went and got some mental health help that he desperately needed.
He is being better as a father and as a partner.
And yet... I feel like something is missing. I keep telling myself that I love him, which I do, we've been through a lot together and I care about him deeply. But... I don't really fancy him that much. I don't really want to have sex with him. I fantasise about other guys.
I don't feel that way about dp anymore. And I don't know what to do. I feel like I would be an awful person to break up our family over this. But do I just continue like this? I don't know how long I can. The whole thing is making me quite sad. Any help?

Doesn't everybody fantasise about sex with someone other than their DP? As long as it stays in the realm of fantasy it's nothing much to worry about.

You need to talk to him about your feelings and consider how you could spice things up a bit. You have to work on your sex life just as you work in other aspects of your relationship, it doesn't work by magic, communication is the key.

I think there's more to being in live than loving somone in the way you would with a family member or close friend plus fancying them. I'm not sure from your post if it's just an attraction and sex thing. Or if you've actually fallen out of love. I think when you've had times where as omone behaves badly its hard to get the in love feeling back. Especially if he has tried over the years. I wonder if you were going to feel it if you would by now?

Doesn't everybody fantasise about sex with someone other than their DP?

I don't. Never have done.

I am very much in love with my DH and he with me. We have been married 6 years today. He completes me (🤮😂) he makes me laugh, makes me cum like a steam train AND he does more than his fair share of housework and childcare.

So sorry OP I can't help with that.

Though I can confirm I definitely do sometimes have fantasies about other people and I do think that natural and normal but like a PP says it stays firmly in the fantasy camp.

Doesn't everybody fantasise about sex with someone other than their DP?

Hmm, nope.

I still get little butterflies in my heart when my husband smiles at me 😤

I still fancy the pants of my hubby. Been married 17 years, both a little over weight but he's still makes my toes tingle.

Yes, I really am. We have been married for 20 years and have known each other for 34. I can honestly say that I thank my lucky stars every day. He is amazing.

I fantasise about sex with people other than my DH sometimes. I know some people genuinely have eyes for no-one but their partner but I think it's pretty normal to be attracted to other people - marriage vows wouldn't really be necessary otherwise. The whole point of loving and being committed to your partner is that you don't act on those feelings of attraction to other people.

The trouble is that, from what you say, your partner was a total knob for most of your relationship (4 years out of 6). You don't say what being a total knob consisted of, but I think anyone would struggle to get over that. On the other hand, something caused you to stay with him - despite him being a total knob - and have a child together, which means you need to try extra hard to rescue the situation before you walk away. Have you tried couples counselling?

I have never been "in love" with my dp. I care about him but he's caused me too many problems for me to feel like he is "the one".
I don't think he feels that way about me either...
yet my ex I was mad about him so I do know what proper love is and this is and never will be it. I always feel like I'm missing out on being proper in love but then it scares me because I know how much that hurts if it ends, I don't want to open myself upto that, this way if this ends I'm not gonna be left absolutely heartbroken.

@MrsRogerLima 😂😂 all the most important qualities in a man 😉🤣

OP I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and I can honestly say that as much as he sometimes annoys the life out of me and makes me want to strangle him, he’s my best friend and I genuinely couldn’t imagine my life without him! If anything I’d say we’re more “in love” now than we ever have been 🤢😂

Having said you should see if you can fix this through e.g. counselling before you decide all is lost - and I think you should see if you can - I don't think you should stay at all costs. It isn't right that you should be miserable for years. One of my closest friends left her H when their children were really young because she realised she just didn't love him the way she needed to love a life-partner. He was heartbroken at first but they have co-parented together very successfully and the children are very well-adjusted. She and her H put care of their children front and centre. So it can be done.

Nope.

We've been together a very long time, and for a lot of that time I was, but it was always me chasing him for affection and feeling like I loved him more than he loved me. Eventually the love has just evaporated and I feel like I'm living with an annoying housemate.

I haven't told him any of this, I feel like if I say it it can't be unsaid. I'm constantly weighing up the advantages and disadvantages of staying together since he isn't a bad person, and I don't want to set in motion a chain of events that I might regret.

I think if you are feeling like this after only six years you need to do something about it.

I'm still in love with him, been married 13 years.

Yes, very much.

Very much so, and we've been together 29 years, going on, married 26.

I will say, OP, that around 6-7 years, I was possibly wondering the same. Apparently it's quite common. And when you've got small children, as well, it can be very hard to feel 'the spark'. You can feel more like flat mates and co-parents, not lovers. And it's natural to mourn the spontaneity, the focus, and the glamour of when you were both footloose and fancy free and exploring each other and your relationship.

@Anothernick

Doesn't everybody fantasise about sex with someone other than their DP? As long as it stays in the realm of fantasy it's nothing much to worry about.

You need to talk to him about your feelings and consider how you could spice things up a bit. You have to work on your sex life just as you work in other aspects of your relationship, it doesn't work by magic, communication is the key.

"Doesn't everybody fantasise about sex with someone other than their DP?"

OP, your relationship sounds normal, everyone goes through ebbs and flows in a long term relationship. If you leave for another guy you'll just repeat the same pattern.

We're all imperfect humans, no one's relationship is perfect, no matter what they may portray on here or anywhere else. It's actually often those who try to portray perfection who are either oblivious to real problems in their relationship or are actively trying to deny it to themselves.

I went through a horrid time with DH he was a knob for 2-3 years, it took about 4 years to forgive him and be back "in love" although I always hold a little bit back now.

The first 12 years I was very much in love with him.

Thanks everyone. I think I've done the same as you @Blackcountrychik. I was hurt very badly by an ex and have therefore settled in to a relationship that won't break me if it ends.
However, I'm not sure if the same could be said about the children. They'd be very affected by it. Ultimately they are what is keeping me from ending it.

@yearinyearout I had that with an ex from a long time ago. I left in the end as we had no children, best thing I did.