Should I leave him?

[kittenmittens4]

I know no one else can really answer this question for me. But here goes, I wouldn't mind some wisdom.

Been in a relationship for 4 years have beautiful 2.5 year old DS. I really did love him (my partner to begin with) but then he developed or began to show an alcohol problem which resulted in our relationship being terrible, him pissing himself a lot in our bed/the sofa, one night where I had to call an ambulance because he came home bleeding from the head and didn't know why... a lot more stuff but you get the picture. THEN, to top all that off about this time last year it transpired that he had been gambling secretly, got himself in 10,000 debt and basically Christmas was ruined as we had no money and I chucked him out. He went to live with a friend but basically kept coming back like he owned the place and couldn't afford to give me any money.

I was in quite a stressful management job at the time, and struggling to look after baby, do my work and keep on top of everything, and end of January I took him back, since then he hasn't drunk or gambled, he's sought counselling and is on anti depressants. He's had a promotion at work, although I still pay the lions share for everything as he's accumulated an enormous amount of debt from the gambling which he is still paying off.

The thing was I didn't want to be a single mum, I didn't and I still don't want to ever be away from my son, but I don't love him, even with everything he's done to change I can't stand him, we haven't had sex for over a year and a half, and I've gone past the stage of wanting it. We're just surviving in this half relationship with no intimacy and I don't know what to do about it.

I've just sat down and worked out my finances, even though I've taken a step down this year I could still support my son and I happily by myself. (As long as he still did childcare on the days he currently does). He couldn't realistically support himself though, let alone give us anything.

I don't know what to do, am I just being selfish wanting to not split time with my son? I don't want him to grow up not knowing what a good relationship looks like. Also I miss an actual relationship for myself. Any ideas/ advice welcome.

(Oh I have tried to talk to him about it, he just got angry and said if you're not happy just leave then)

Bite the bullet and leave him. If you stay your DS will grow up in a miserable household which will not do him any good long term. There is also a good chance you or DP will meet someone else and end up with a very messy breakup rather than the relatively clean option you have now. Its tough, but I’d say go.

End the relationship. There’s no future. You’ll be fine financially, happy, and free to start a relationship that makes you happy (when you’re ready)

@Purplewithred I've bloody fantasised about him meeting someone else so that I could have a good reason to end it. I honestly think he's less bothered by the lack of sex than me.

I just need to be brave. I guess. I can't get past the idea of how it will affect my son, but the answer is less than a childhood in a home where no one loves each other.

If anyone has stayed for the kids and the love has come back I would like to hear that side too though and balance it out in my head.

Just end it. His behaviour has killed the love, and it can never be resurrected after what you've been through.

I don’t think you can come back from everything you’ve been thru with him.

Your son will be better off seeing you flourish and happy as a single mother than to grow up in a home with two parents who don’t love each other.

He couldn't realistically support himself though

If he has a job then he can. If he doesn't earn enough to support himself he'd be entitled to Universal Credit.

There are several schemes and strategies people can make use of if they're in debt and on a low income. He could speak to www.stepchange.org/ for instance.

@SoulofanAggron so at the moment, he has a fairly good job, but because of the debt he's paying 2/3 of his wages to that. He gives me £800 pound a month, which is barely a 1/3 of our outgoings, but £800 a month isn't enough to rent somewhere suitable for DS to stay in and pay all the bills etc.

I guess he could negotiate paying less on the debt. I know it's not my problem, but it was part of the reason I took him back as when he was looking after our son, he was just doing it here, eating all my food and meaning that I couldn't have any time to myself at all.

Actually 800 pound a month is about a quarter of our outgoings.

I can't stay in such an unfair situation. At least if he were gone the money I would lose I would gain in being free.

OP, don’t live your life wishing he’d leave or find somebody else, that is wishing your own life away.

Plenty of women leave relationships in much worse financial shape than you’re in, I did. If he’s in debt then it’s up to him to find a way to deal with it. You didn’t rack up the debt, he did. maybe if he struggles he might be less inclined to do it again.

I’m afraid not wanting to share your child is a very poor reason to stay in a relationship where you’re unhappy. It’s better for your DS to have a happy mum 75% of the time than an unhappy one 100% of the time. He might not even be that bothered about having your DS much anyway.

Don’t piss your own life up the wall out of obligation to someone else. It’s a waste of life, and you can guarantee if the boot was on the other foot he wouldn’t stick around just to make you happy if it wasn’t convenient for him.

You're all right. Thank you.
I will hopefully talk to him when he finishes work tonight. Don't quite know where to start, but I'll say something.

You’ve tried your best and you aren’t happy. It’s not fair on anyone to stay in the relationship, including your child.