Mum stopped dad from talking to dying grandad

[upset12]

I need to get this off my chest more than anything. I am so upset and I can't articulate why.

My grandad (dad's father) died 10 years ago. We were NC. According to my mother, dad's side of the family is awful which is why we are NC but I have come to realise that my mother is a narcissist and no one gets on with her, so who knows what's the truth.

Today I found out that on his deathbed, grandad asked to speak to my dad on the phone. He made the request to my mum's sister, who then called my mum. My mum refused to pass the message on to my dad, and told my mum to never speak of this to my father (neither aunt nor dad had mobile phones to be able to get around my mum).

To this day, my dad does not know that his dad had wanted to talk to him and my mother had prevented it.

What horrible situation for you to be in. Only you can decide if you think your dad should know, it must depend on so many things, what is your parents' relationship like, what is your relationship with them like, how did your dad really feel about his family? Once the genie is out of the bottle, it can never be returned; there are so many things which could go wrong.

I would not be telling your father about this. No good can come of it and it can't be rectified.

@Aquamarine1029

I would not be telling your father about this. No good can come of it and it can't be rectified.

x 1,000,000

If it's hard for you to deal with this information, just imagine what it would do to your dad.

Sorry - but you have to keep this to yourself.

Why? Let's look at this from the other side as usual.

If this was the other way round (male rather than female) the advice would be very different.

Narcissist has already been mentioned and whilst nobody other than the family knows the real truth, that does not stop the usual 'Mumsnet' responses of what is being written is fact.

Taken on that basis, leaving the narcissist, controlling b and getting away as soon as is humanly possible is the advice that would usually be given on here.

I'm feeling really upset and confused so sorry if I don't make sense.

I'm upset that my dad didn't get a chance.

I'm upset that a dying man was treated this way.

I'm disgusted by my mum, she's awful but this just feels like the worst. She is a fanatical Christian and when she spouts her rubbish I want to scream at her that she is a hypocritical, two faced b.

I feel my dad should know as... I don't know why. It feels wrong to keep it from him.

I feel my dad shouldn't know as it might destroy him.

But then I feel my dad should know because he's never had the strength to leave my mum and this might give it to him.

My dad may has ill feelings towards his dad and knowing grandad tried to reach out might help my dad.

I wish I had never found out.

Your Dad has been with your Mum for some time, he’s missed an opportunity but given the dynamic between him and your mother he’d probably would not have taken it.

I'd tell him.

Your mums behaviour is disgusting and abusive, to be honest. It wasn't her call to make. It was your dad's.

It might help him, it might not. But he doesn't deserve to be lied to again. Let him know the truth and have a say in his life. I'd want to know if it was me.

So what would you feel if this was the tipping point for your Dad and he split up from your Mum?

If you think he has to know so that he can make an informed choice about staying married then go ahead and tell him. But be aware that it may well destroy your relationship with your Mum (whether he goes or stays with her) and either way he’s going to be very very hurt.

@Aquamarine1029

I would not be telling your father about this. No good can come of it and it can't be rectified.

It could give him the push to leave his wife, who OP describes as a 'narcissist' and 'awful', and whose actions sound like emotional abuse. That would be a good outcome in my book. He would also know that his dad loved him and was thinking about him in his last moments, which could be comforting to him (although obviously upsetting at the same time, as they didn't get a chance to speak).

I think you should tell him OP. It will be very difficult and he'll be very hurt, but he deserves to know the truth. If she's as nasty as this one incident suggests, then he deserves this opportunity to get away from her, whether he takes it or not.

Your Dad is a grown functioning adult - he could have chosen to see his own father at any time. Why did he chose not to?

How did you come about this info? Who told you this? Why can’t that person - or your aunt who should have given him the info (there were many alternative methods of communication - email, post, phone) THEY could have used to relay this important info if they were aware your DM was blocking it.

I suspect you are being manipulated into a situation that has nothing to do with you and you will get hurt. Ensure the story comes from the horses mouth - get your aunt to tell him if she wants.

It could give him the push to leave his wife, who OP describes as a 'narcissist' and 'awful', and whose actions sound like emotional abuse. That would be a good outcome in my book.

It's highly doubtful he will leave his wife after this many years. Older men rarely do, no matter how miserable their wife may be.

He would also know that his dad loved him and was thinking about him in his last moments, which could be comforting to him (although obviously upsetting at the same time, as they didn't get a chance to speak).

We don't know what his father would have said, do we? You assume it was to say some kind words when that might not have been the case at all.

Do you know for certain that this story is true? Really?

If you tell your dad, your action can never be undone. Unless U was 99% sure that a) it was true and b) that it would benefit your dad in some way, I wouldn't tell. The risk is way too great.

If your dad was going to leave your mum he would already have done so. If she's as bad as you say, he knows that and puts up with it already. Knowing she did this would just be par for the course.

But if you tell him he'll be forever be tormented by thoughts of what he missed and what his own father might have been able to say to him.

U=I

Thank you all for your comments. I am so confused and upset and you are truly helping me. I will try to answer all the questions and comments.

@stretchedmarks I feel that he deserves to know the truth but at the same time I know it will cause a lot of pain.

@AgentJohnson I think you are right, he may not have taken the chance but perhaps it would have given him some comfort knowing that his dad was thinking of him. It was his decision to make, not my mother's.

@PaterPower I don't know how I'd feel if my parents split up. On the one hand I would be so happy that my dad is free as he has told me a few times he's just waiting for her to die. On the other hand I would also be very sad. My mum is emotionally abusive and I am NC with her anyway, so no loss from that perspective. But my poor dad, whatever happens he would be so sad.

@Untangled87 I remember 20 years ago I found his running away stash but he couldn't bring himself to actually do it. He's in his 70s, they have been together for 40 odd years. I can't remember her ever not abusing him. I think as @Aquamarine1029 says there's a high chance he won't leave her.

@Sssloou my aunt told me. I hadn't realised, she has been at the receiving end of horrific emotional abuse from my mum for years and she broke down in the phone today and told me a load of heavy stuff, of which this particularly issue has upset me very much. Perhaps there are ulterior motives, but what she told me is in line with my mum's character and what she does to me. There really wasn't another way to relay the info. At the time my aunt etc were living in a war zone thousands of miles away. They had to go to a particular place to make phone calls. They didn't have email, post would have taken 2+ months and his death was imminent. My aunt doesn't want my dad to know but I am stuck with this burden. I suspect she regrets telling me now but it was during an emotional moment where her guard was down.

@saraclara I am pretty sure the story is true. It's the sort of thing she is capable of given what she has done before. I worry what good it will bring if I tell him. My dad has been emotionally abused for many years and is so conditioned that he couldn't get out of it. He probably wouldn't leave now either.

First of all, I'm sorry that this has came to bear on your shoulders but this isn't your burden to carry. It never was. You said that you felt telling your dad this information might destroy him. On this alone, I feel you shouldn't tell him. He's is his 70s. He has been with your mother a very, very long time. He knows more than anyone what she is capable of.

I can empathise with your situation.... I know a relative very much like your mother and I would say that there is a significant chance she has already told your dad in some way in order to cause him pain.

I think your priority should be building your relationship with your dad and giving him something that he can rely on.

I'm sorry your mother is so awful.

I think that there is much more to this situation than you know. Why could your Dad not contact his own father at anytime?

Why does your aunt not want you to tell your Dad? Why did she not tell him over the last 10 years?

Your Mum sounds like a shocking individual if you choose to be NC and I am sure that as a child your suffered greatly - it’s important to note that your Dad did nothing to protect you as a child. He stood back, didn’t intervene and threw you under the bus. They are a team.

Would you be able to have a conversation with your dad that starts 'Do you wish you'd gone and seen grandad'. If he's adamant 'No' then maybe it's not worth raising.

Thank you all. Took me ages to get to sleep and this is the first thing that came to mind. I think, selfishly, what's creating an equal If not greater level of sadness for me, is that it goes to show that my mother could be so so despicable. And while I'm NC with her, she sends me messages every few days about God, morality, and how she is a beacon to the world.

@LachlanRose thank you and I think I am coming to the same conclusion. My husband also thinks that she might have told him already to cause him pain because she has form for this, but she is also a cold and calculated person and I'm sure is aware how much damage this will cause to their relationship. Not because she cares about, but because she is fully dependent on him.

@Sssloou there is a lot more to the situation which I didn't put in my OP. My grandad lived on the other side of the world in a war zone. My mother has managed to cut off his contact to all of his family. She has taken away his phone, intercepts all mail, not allowed to use the computer etc. He's not even allowed to talk to me unless she's present. After 40 years of this you can't see what's normal anymore. My dad used to defend me and himself but doesn't have the energy anymore. I'm from a culture where divorce makes you an outcast and arranged marriages are the norm, he stated because he was worried if I'm from a divorced family then no one will marry me. I married very late and at that point he was mid 60s.

@waltzingparrot I would love to, but as he can only talk to anyone including me with my mother present, I am unlikely to get this chance.

Your poor dad, that sounds incredibly fucked up. Do you get to speak to him at all then, if it can only be with your mum present?

DH is also estranged from his dad, and this sort of situation has been discussed. He hasn't commented on deathbed phonecalls (fil is still quite young and healthy) but I have been told what level of info from fil directly or his mum or sister he wants passing on. It is possible that your dad had done similar. Is it worth talking to your mum to start with?

You need to be strategic here. Don’t get derailed and hoovered in to a he said / she said decade old hear say. It will end badly.

However you need to report your Mum to adult social services for her abuse and coercive control of a vulnerable adult who she has kept captive in her home. You can do this anonymously if you wish - they never say where the report came from.

Then you also need to get professional psychotherapy because your toxic mother has caused you significant emotional damage which leaves you emotionally hijacked, in pain and inadvertently making relationship mistakes in your life. So she is still polluting your life indirectly. This isn’t a criticism of you - it is not possible to come through such an upbringing without damage, injury, wounds and emotional deficits. These need tending to and healing otherwise you will go tripping through life causing yourself more unnecessary hurt.