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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can’t move on from ex

21 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 26/09/2020 10:10

Really struggling moving on from ex, it’s not even that I want to be with him as I don’t but I hate that I can’t move on with my life meanwhile he is out there enjoying his life and I’m stuck at home with 4 children. I haven’t been able to meet anyone since him for obvious reasons I have 4 children he rarely sees them and I have no family help, but I am incredibly lonely and hate seeing all the happy couples, it’s been over three years now that I’ve been on my own completely. Is it even possible to meet someone again in this situation or should I accept this is it for me?

OP posts:

RedRumTheHorse · 26/09/2020 10:12

As you are aware not all couples who look happy are actually happy.

How old are your children?

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 26/09/2020 10:16

I know not everyone is happy but seeing the constant proposals all over Facebook makes me feel sad about my life. Everyone I know meets people very easily and quickly, they make a bit of a joke about how long I’ve been single. Oldest is 9 youngest is 3. (He left me when I was pregnant)

OP posts:

RedRumTheHorse · 26/09/2020 11:56

Get off Facebook you will be much happier.

Facebook is an unrealistic snap shot off life.

TiggerDatter · 26/09/2020 12:09

Just delete social media OP, you’ll feel much better without it. And I would get some better friends if they’re not supportive. You’re in s difficult situation, without doubt, and Covid restrictions are probably not helping. But being single is not a disaster nor a life sentence. Everything changes

category12 · 26/09/2020 12:13

It must be a struggle with 4 under 10. But it will get easier as they get older and more independent.

At the moment you're not in a great place for dating because you've limited options for doing stuff without the kids. I would focus on building up your social network and having nice things to do for yourself and the kids, and leave dating on the back-burner for now.

The time goes by quick, they grow up fast, and you'll be in a far better position to date.

It's not the case that this is it forever, it's more like maybe this isn't the right time, but your time will come.

I think you should work on being happy in yourself and what you do have, otherwise you'd attract the cocklodgers and losers who expect you to accept the dregs if you did date.

category12 · 26/09/2020 12:17

I don't think deleting social media is necessarily the way forward, given you're probably home most evenings, but find something that gives you positive feelings and maybe less life comparisons.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 26/09/2020 12:39

I don’t want to delete Facebook tbh it’s how I keep in contact with people and it a pass time at the end of the day my evenings involve me sitting in on my own every night so it’s something to occupy me now and again, it’s just old colleagues getting married or old school friends getting engaged etc, does make me realise I am not getting any younger (especially with my birthday next month) this isn’t exactly how I planned life to be and I’m a bit worried about leaving it too late and missing my opportunity , let’s face it dating does get harder the older you get.

OP posts:

TiggerDatter · 26/09/2020 12:46

Dating is hard at any age OP, you need to be in the right frame of mind and to be strong to go into it, not on the back foot IYKWIM. People find love at any and every age.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 26/09/2020 12:52

But you can’t deny there are less available people the older you get, just have to look on here to see people saying how much a struggle dating in your 40s/50s is, most people are taken by the age.

OP posts:

category12 · 26/09/2020 13:18

Quite a lot of people come back on the market in their 40s and 50s too.

Unless you have a good income and can afford lots of babysitting, I don't see how much dating you can do without compromising standards (and potentially your own and the dc's security).

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 26/09/2020 13:21

That is true, most of my friends date when their kids are at the dads house but my ex doesn’t take the kids so they can’t understand why I am unable to even though they know he doesn’t take them

OP posts:

category12 · 26/09/2020 13:35

Your friends are a bit unthinking then.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 26/09/2020 13:38

Definitely, I even get it off ex, constantly telling me to meet someone, but if I brought someone home and around the kids that I didn’t know (not that I would) I’m sure I would be slated for that as well!

OP posts:

category12 · 26/09/2020 13:53

I think you might need to reframe things a bit for yourself - "moving on" isn't solely about having a boyfriend/partner - you're getting sold that narrative that it is by the people around you. (I understand you might also be lonely and want to be with someone too).

But being single isn't awful and being in a relationship often is (and singledom doesn't have to be a forever state).

Try not to view it as being "stuck at home with four kids" - you have a lovely family, and yes, it's hard work and there's little respite for you - but you get to see them grow up and all the little joys & moments you get to have with them. I'm at the stage where my kids'll be flying the coop in not so very long and it's a bit like that ABBA song "slipping through my fingers" .

I dunno, it's not how you planned your life would go, but it is what it is, and I think you've got to cling on to the upsides.

RedRumTheHorse · 26/09/2020 16:11

@category12

Your friends are a bit unthinking then.

No they aren't unthinking they are getting on with their own lives.

If Facebook is upsetting the OP needs to come off it. I came off Facebook as it was upsetting me when I was ill but ended up using other forums to engage with people.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 26/09/2020 16:18

No they aren't unthinking they are getting on with their own lives.

I don’t think they mean the Facebook thing, that’s just normal stuff and it’s not upsetting me it’s just making me realise how my life is passing me by! Seeing my old school friends getting engaged etc whilst I haven’t even so much as kissed anymore in almost 4 years does make me feel a bit low, I do miss intimacy and having a relationship! I’m only early 30s so don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. I think people are referring to the fact my friends (and ex) say it’s very weird not to have met someone yet, they constantly comment about it, it is unusual in my group, don’t know anyone who has been single for even a year let alone 3+

Thanks category12 that does put it into perspective a bit

OP posts:

tornadoalley · 26/09/2020 16:46

The be all and end all in life is not necessarily to be in a relationship. There are other things to do as well as bringing up your children.

BexR · 26/09/2020 16:55

I'm in a similar position OP. Separated over 4 years ago. He left the country and lives a carefree life of sunshine and dating. Meanwhile I rush round like a lunatic dropping off DC, trying to manage on part time job and dealing with every single challenge completely alone.

It wears you down and the end is not in sight.

In my case I am mostly better off without him. It's my loss of freedom and choice that I really resent. I love my DC so just have to focus on that, but I know what a slog it can be especially during the current shitshow

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 26/09/2020 16:59

I know it’s not the be all and end all but I do wish I could stop the feelings of loneliness and resentment towards my ex, he was living in a woman 5 weeks after we broke up, I get no freedom and have no social life, I can go for weeks without speaking to another adult, I just miss having someone who cares about me etc

Thanks for understanding BexR

OP posts:

category12 · 26/09/2020 17:19

Redrumthehorse, I said that OP's friends were unthinking in response to her saying her friends don't understand why she isn't dating (when they have opportunity and she doesn't) - not because of what they might be posting on Facebook.

TiggerDatter · 26/09/2020 17:44

I really feel for you OP 💐, you are doing an amazing job by stepping up to the plate and looking after your DC alone. You are their world and they will always care deeply about you. I would also say that with 4 DC, life isn’t passing you by: it’s right there, growing and thriving thanks to you. Also, don’t take as gospel from MN that dating is hard in your 40s and 50s, it’s not for everyone.

Get your friends to commit to babysitting for you?

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