Lies

[Starsky82]

I need some advice! Context- DH and I have been together for 22 years, married for 16, 2 DS (6 and 11) and another one due in 4 weeks. This is a bit long winded but I wanted to explain properly...
DH has either just started lying, or has always done it and I’m only aware of it now. A few weeks ago DH was at work, he phoned to say he was stuck at a job and then was going on to another job and would be late home. Just after this phone call DS came running down and said Dad’s nearly home. He has the ‘find my friends’ app. I looked and he was around the corner from the house at a shop. So I thought, maybe he’s surprising us... DS left his phone with me and went out on his bike, I watched the app and DH went to his boss’s house...where he remained for 3 hours. When I asked him where he’d been he said working- I explained the app business and he shouted about me tracking him etc. I genuinely didn’t intend to follow him, but was shocked about his blatant lie. Turns out he wanted to have a drink with workmates at his bosses house and wanted to ‘buy some time’ before he had to be home. For the record, I’ve never been one to begrudge a Friday night after work pub visit.
So after a blazing row and him apologising to say he shouldn’t have lied, we moved on. It’s happened a few times since, here and there, where I’ve had a feeling it wasn’t the truth but couldn’t prove anything. (He removed the app from his phone. Then last night I got a phone call, he was off to look a a job (On a Friday evening) and I said- you mean you’re off for a drink again? He assured me he was looking at a job. Now I know I shouldn’t have, but part curiosity and part reassurance, I looked on DS iPod- which I’d recently found still has the working app on - and he was at his bosses house. I asked this morning if he’d called there and he said no. I made small conversation about how his boss was etc.
But now what do I do? I hate lies, I hate myself just as much for checking on him. I’d like to blame pregnancy hormones but I’m not sure it is. I’m so angry! Why is he lying? I’m upset at the fact he feels he has to lie and if he lies about small things what else is he hiding? His boss is and workmates don’t get on with their wives...part of me wonders if he’s being sucked into their world? I don’t know I’m just trying to see where he’s coming from.

Trust me this eats you up, I’m so sorry he’s doing this whilst pregnant- unless he genuinely feels I can’t just say I’m going for a drink then he’s just being hurtful

Aye I reckon it’s an ‘all lads together’ ‘ball and chain’ thing. He wants to play with his pals. I don’t know why he doesn’t just say so. Maybe he thinks you’d object for some reason.

Was his boss there? Is his boss a woman? I’d assume he was having an affair with the boss or the bosses wife to be honest. Otherwise why lie? If you wouldn’t mind him go drinking?

Thank you all for your replies.
His boss is male and I just don’t understand it all. It’s the lie not the fact he’s going for a drink, I just feel like I’m overreacting but then I think- why lie if there’s nothing serious going on?! And then I start wondering why he just doesn’t want to come home on a Friday night? We barely see him and then find he’s not working when he makes out he is.
I can’t confront him this time as I chose to look on the app to see where he was-but deep down I just knew he was lying.
Luckily he’s working all weekend so I don’t have to try and hide how I’m feeling. I don’t want it to blow up into an argument and I’m aware this is trivial compared to what others are going through. I just can’t seem to get my head around it.

Hate to say it but yeah I’d think affair. If it’s just drinks with work friends and is innocent... why lie?

If you confront him again he will blow up again, remove the app again from the iPod and continue to lie. He isn’t going to stop lying to you.

So 3 hours drinking at boss's house and he wasn't drunk enough so you'd have noticed anyway when he got home? Friday after work drinking and comes home sober enough that he thinks you won't realise he's lied? Either he has the world's greatest tolerance for booze or he's not drinking!

It sounds like he's already checked out of family life if you rarely see him, he's just taking it step further.

A conversation about family time and responsibilities rather than admitting you've tracked him again may be best.

My first thought was affair.

My second is that he is telling all his work buddies you are a right nagging cow and is provoking you into behaving in a way that he can then turn around and be like 'told you guys' about to them.
He is so desperate for the approval of these losers that he is prepared to gaslight his wife in order to fit in. Sad.

Or he may just be a compulsive liar.

Is be wondering what else he had lied about over the years as he clearly cant be trusted.

My DP used to do this and he wasn’t very good at it so I’d always find out.

It was always about things like in your example where he couldn’t be bothered to tell me the whole story if he thought I might not be happy so he’d tell me a different version.

For example he once went to dinner with a group of friends I wasn’t particularly keen on so he told me he’d gone with another friend. In reality I couldn’t care less who he goes to dinner with but he obviously thought I’d be unhappy about it.

They were such pointless stupid lies and I’d always find out anyway. In the end I sat him down and made it very clear how it was making me completely mistrustful of him and led me to wondering what else he might be lying about. I told him that if I found out about one more lie we’d be over.

He seemed to understand how serious I was as he never did it again and now is very transparent with me about what he’s doing.

If he'd been drinking for hours wouldn't you smell it on him? He would also be over the limit to drive.
Could he be parking his van at his bosses house then going elsewhere so he has a constant alibi just in case?

I really do appreciate all of your input. I don’t think it’s an affair, he drives with someone who leaves his car at our house-so I know this will play a part in him not coming straight home-if his friend wants to go for a drink etc. Unless he’s leaving his friend at the bosses house and then meeting someone, it wouldn’t be possible. After the 3 hour time and the lie, I flipped and we had a heart to heart and I was assured he wouldn’t lie again. But it is happening again.
I think he’d only had a couple over the 3 hrs as he was driving, I could smell it on him but I already knew he’d lied about where he was, so drink didn’t come into it really.
I understand wanting to go for a drink after work, I just don’t understand the long trail of lies and the fact that he can lie to my face.

Any chance it's a gay affair?

No definitely not...unless the 3 of them are at it and his friend and boss are most definitely heterosexual...

It's raining men...
_
| |
● ●
Lol

Damn it, it messed up my music note attempt lol.