Being with a widower

[50teen]

I’ve seen quite a few threads on this topic on this board so I’m hoping some of you will be able to advise.

We’re both in our early 50s, DP a widower, me divorced. When we met I was 4 years out of my marriage which had been emotionally abusive,and I was pretty damaged by it all. DP had been widowed for almost 3 years at the time, he’d been very happily married and his wife died tragically young.

Anyway, we’ve been together for 5 years. Live apart for reasons that suit us both for now and generally very happy. He is a kind and decent man, so different from my past.

In general, DP only talks about his late wife in passing,in the way you’d mention anyone if you were talking about past events. I like him doing this, as it makes me feel closer to him. The only issue that causes me a difficulty is that approx 3 times a year (her birthday, their anniversary, the anniversary of her death), will post some photos on FB, with a little comment about remembering their happy times together or similar. Now I know that this is probably not unreasonable, but every time it happens it triggers a reaction in me - I honestly feel like I’ve been punched in the chest and feel irrationally upset. I’ve given this a lot of thought and I think what is partly behind it is that it brings into focus the difference in our pasts. I don’t have happy memories to share and celebrate, I have emotional damage that I still struggle with from time to time. It also makes me acutely aware that she is in his thoughts and he is sharing something quite personal in a public way. He’s otherwise quite reserved, and in posting these memories it inevitably prompts a whole flurry of comments from people who knew his wife. They talk about how wonderful she was, how perfect and I’m left feeling like an imperfect replacement with failed relationship behind her.

So for those of you in relationships with widowers, have you found a way of coping with similar?

I’m so sorry op, that must be hard.
When someone dies, we tend to remember what was really good about them and when someone dies so young and tragically, their passing is a huge loss. I’ve lost family members, who twenty years on, I still feel a very deep love for and who I think about every day. It doesn’t mean I love the living any less.

I also post on FB on special occasions, well, not so much these days, but for a while I did, mainly so other people didn’t think I’d forgotten that person. I didn’t really need to, because I carry my memories of loved ones with me, everyday everywhere.

Your partner will always love his wife, but he can love you too.

Your partner may have had a good relationship, whilst you didn’t, but that’s a failure on your part, it’s just life.

Perhaps avoid looking at FB over special occasions, but don’t let it trigger you and ruin your relationship. She not here anymore, she isn’t competition, you don’t have to feel second to her.

Your feelings are perfectly reasonable and it must be hard for him. Did they have children together? But anyway, he probably does it so that her friends and family and him all highlight that she may be gone but not forgotten.

I can understand how that would make you feel upset, then probably guilty for being upset. I think if possible maybe set reminders in your phone to either not look at fb or un follow him for a while on those days. It's such a tricky one where you can't help how you feel, and you wouldn't want him to feel bad for remembering her. ❤

OP I understand completely - please PM me if you'd like to x

I agree with a pp...I'd actively not look at FB around those times....or you can hide his posts during those times and continue to see other stuff on FB.

I feel for you I am exactly the same OP. I've been with my widower 2 years but can't get my head around the facebook posts declaring to everyone how wonderful their life was. People are saying don't look at them read but they would still be there and it does make me feel like I don't compare

Thank you all for your understanding. I was worried everyone would think I was awful for feeling like this.

@Sakurami they didn’t have children but your point about him not wanting her friends and. Family to think she has been forgotten is spot on, he’s said this before. I do understand this as I can’t imagine how his in laws cope and I’d I were in their position I’m sure it would be nice to see here remembered in this way

@Welshywitch I agree, I’d still know the posts were there so I’d end up looking at them on his page. Just wouldn’t be able to help myself!

We’ve had a chat about this today and he seems genuinely concerned that I’ve been upset by it. The latest key date fell in the past week. He has said that in future he will speak to me before posting anything Which I think might help as I currently spend these dates waiting for the post to appear with a sense of dread

Like I said, I am happy for him to talk about his late wife whoever he wants, it’s just the public posts that really sting.

I dated a widow for 5 years and I completely understand where you’re coming from. I found those anniversaries really hard, yet felt guilty for it too. I used to have a sad evening to myself when I saw the fb posts then got back on with it. The day I was invited to lay flowers with him and his children was quite a turning point and i felt at peace with the situation. I always had the feeling that I would never fill her shoes so to speak, not that I would ever replace her but it is a difficult situation.
For me the turning point was when my partner said he was luckily to have found love again but I do think you have to be a strong person. xx

I appreciate how much he loves and misses his wife, but having been with you for five years now. I think he's being really insensitive to your feelings. I'm sure he's not meaning to be, but I find it odd that he doesn't realise that posting these tributes might be upsetting to you. Of course he shouldn't pretend she never existed, but after being in a new relationship for half a decade it's time to take your feelings into cons and move on from the past to a large degree.

*consideration not cons

I've got two friends how are widowed and they have both remarried and in happy relationships. They do the same and their respective wives usually like or love the posts. I've always wondered how they actually feel seeing someone they are married to publicly declare to miss someone and love them. But I always thought it must mean they have a strong relationship to be able to understand and accept this, especially if kids are involved.

Could you try to see it in another way ?
She had his yesterday's , you have his today's and tomorrows.

My post won't be helpful, but I always swipe right if a man says he's a widower.

I have amazing memories of my mum and friends who have died and the bad ones have faded. And I assume that is similar with widows.

It must be difficult to be in your situation and hope some wise mnetters help you with some coping strategies.

Oh wow just seen your update, sorry missed it.

Glad you've spoken to him and as a PO said he has seriously kicked out getting you!!

Have an amazing future.

Thanks for all you comments, I’ve only just been able to read the later ones as he’s been here all day and I didn’t want him reading this over my shoulder!

I really appreciate the understanding and also it is helpful to hear that others are in a the same position. It is such a difficult issue, as I feel it is almost impossible not to feel like a complete insensitive cow for raising it.

I wouldn’t want to present myself as a saint here. I know that my past experiences in my marriage made it difficult for me to raise concerns. I’d become fearful of rocking the boat and didn’t realise that some people as actually able to respond in a reasonable way, without days of silent treatment etc. I suspect I‘ve let this build for too long, as DP has always been totally reasonable when I tell him my worries. He’s done a lot for me over the last 5 years!

It’s about balancing the need to respect someone’s memory, whilst not trampling on the feelings of those living today. I feel a bit stronger about being able to speak up now.

I’m married to a widower and totally understand your feelings. Even on our first date he cried about her even though she had been dead for 7 years and when we started dating properly I noticed her clothes were still hanging in his wardrobe. I befriended his parents in law as he had a young son ( now my much loved stepson)and I remember feeling so upset one day that his mother in law still had a large picture of him and his late wifeS wedding photo in the corner of the room. We have been together 12 years and that picture is still there!! The clothes in the wardrobe are long gone but her memory is still alive. I’m very good friends with her best friend and my husband’s circle have welcomed me with open arms. My point is it’s hard but this man sounds like a keeper - he loves you and you will make new memories. His past makes him part of who he is and the fact he loved her so much makes me think you two will have a great future.
I also felt that his late wife was on a pedestal and I would never measure up, ive realised I don’t have to - he loves me just the way I am.
I now visit the cemetery and put flowers on his wife’s grave and dust the photos of her which are in my stepsons room and feel sad that she isn’t around to see what a wonderful son she had.