Can guilt manifest as mean-ness?

[Beebeeboo2]

Something that I occasionally ponder about that baffles me: Exh left 3yrs ago for another woman. DD was 5 at the time, divorce finalised 2 years ago.

But since he left to this day, he treats me with so much disrespect and derision. I've always been neutral towards him, sometimes even nice in front of DD. And when referring to him around DD I'm careful to put him in a good light to avoid any conflicts in her mind.

I didn't treat him badly in the marriage. I've dated, but am not in a relationship. He's been living with current partner since he left, so he must be happy.

But he never responds to my (infrequent) texts or emails re DD around education, health or extra curricular activities, or when he does, it's to blame me for something. When he comes to drop & fetch DD, he never makes eye contact and if he has to speak to me it's like I'm the dirt under his shoe. He has sometimes even just walked past me in my own home saying he's going to the loo.

I don't understand what I've done to warrant such contempt from him. And it just occurred to me tonight, could it be guilt? (Or he could just not be able to stand me 🤷🏻‍♀️)

You have to stop him coming into your house. He's marking his place, by going to the loo in your house.

Stop emailing and messaging him. He doesn't deserve it. It's up to him to find out info from the school.

Sounds less like guilt, more like abuse OP.

Wow, maybe. He was definitely emotionally abusive in the relationship. Gaslighting galore , lots of narcissistic behavior.

I just feel bad for DD that she has a father who doesn't care, so I try to update/involve him (not frequently, maybe once a fortnight).

I wouldn't say guilt as that implies he feels bad. I'd say he's trying to shift the blame for his behaviour on to you though. Thinking of you as the bad guy excuses his shitty behaviour.

Oh, don't bother with any of that- that's on him.

Don't let him trample your boundaries in an attempt to model 'kindness' or whatever either. His type will just keep pushing them until you are constantly on the back foot.

You are your own person- stand up for yourself and don't ever reward his unpleasantness by being nice by way of compensation. Low drama, firm boundaries- that's what your daughter needs from you. You will never 'explain' his behaviour, even in your own head.

Time to stop OP.

Look up DARVO