How do I forget/forgive his past shitty behavior?

[Clarasunshine]

So I met my bf a couple of years ago when I was not in a great place. To be honest I was having a shitty divorce and been seeing this awful addictive man that I needed to shake off.
He also wasn’t in a great place as his wife had just left and so we were both in need of each other.
I fell for him big time, we clicked, he was everything I could ask for. So my divorce got shittier and I got needy and insecure with the new blossoming relationship. There were red flags I ignored (too early after his wife and other women hanging around) so the more I needed him, the more he pulled away. Then it all just got too much, I didn’t trust him and stopped wanting sex and he hated seeing me as I was basically a lunatic with insecurities and depression caused by a few different things on top of his behavior. So we ended it and he jumped into bed with someone else before his bed was cold. Right so we weren’t together, but it still hurt. Two months after this we decided to give it another go (basically we tried dating others but was easier I guess because kids ages and had already met etc). He gave me everything I asked for (full disclosure of all questions, phone access, anything I asked he provided). So since we got back together he’s been nothing but amazing, honestly he’s the man I first met.
The thing is, when I’m alone and not busy or with him, memories come back of how he was 18 months ago. It makes me not want to talk to him and upset again. I know he’s the man I want to be with but I still get upset. Although he’s apologised hundreds of times he still blames me because of how I was and doesn’t think it’s something I should still get upset with.

If you have any hope of this relationship working you must not keep punishing him.

You had broke up. How long he waited to have sex is not your business.

I think the reality is, you’ve never given yourself time to heal or be you, the you that you need to learn to be, without a man.

All your insecurities are yours and until you learn to not be co-dependant, then it will carry on eating away at you.

His behaviour was not shitty. What he did when you broke up is none of your business.

It’s not the sleeping with someone, As much as it hurt, we were apart. It’s the pulling away from me when I needed him most that I struggle with. The break did me good. I enjoyed myself with friends and became more independent

It is my problem to deal with, they are my insecurities and as long as I’m with him I don’t think they will ever go away Now. I know I need to finish things with him for my own good. I wish he had always been the man he is now but that will never be the case and it’s something I can’t change.

Deep down I know I won’t ever come to terms with it all and it’s best to end things all round

@Clarasunshine

It’s not the sleeping with someone, As much as it hurt, we were apart. It’s the pulling away from me when I needed him most that I struggle with. The break did me good. I enjoyed myself with friends and became more independent

It's not his problem that you needed him though? He wasn't in the right place to help you.

No one owes you support. You either be with the man he is now, or let him go to be with someone who loves him as he is.

You should get counseling to help you with your insecurities else you will end up pushing him away.

Deep down I know I won’t ever come to terms with it all and it’s best to end things all round

Do this then. Seriously.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC I know it wasn’t his problem and he didn’t owe me support but I feel that being in a relationship with someone means I would support them through bad times and be there for them. He wasn’t that for me, I was for him, held him crying when he had bad times but when I needed the support he ran away.

@widespreadpanic my insecurities are no longer there, the break did me good. I got a new job, sorted my divorce and purchased a house when we spilt. I’m not insecure now, I struggle with how he made me feel at the time. Will he run next time things get hard? He wants to get married and I no longer want that, it was something I imagined at the beginning but now I don’t feel it. We got engaged as he planned a really romantic proposal and I’m happy about it but I don’t see the point, whereas previously I wanted to shout from the roof tops how much I loved him and how he made me feel but that was before it all went wrong and now I’m not that bothered

he didn’t owe me support but I feel that being in a relationship with someone means I would support them through bad times and be there for them. He wasn’t that for me

Ok so he didn't owe you support, but you supported him, and therefore he should have supported you. (You realize you're literally explaining that you believe he owed you support...right? Like, thats what you've just said...)

If you're not fussed about him and not happy, then dump him. You don't sound enthused, so what is keeping you in this relationship?

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC because most days are amazing, he’s everything I could ask for, I look at him and my heart beats extra and his face makes me smile, there is so much I love about him, I love him, I always have since the day I met him. He’s open and does everything I ask or could wish for. But days like today it all comes back (I seen her car driving past today and he’s working tonight so I can’t talk to him about it) I don’t even want to talk to him about it because it will upset him and me and it’s easier to pretend it’s not there. Iv mentioned seeing a therapist but it’s very expensive and I’m not sure I can afford it and he doesn’t really want me to go. It’s like a dark cloud hanging over me some days.

I did contradict myself with the owing support as maybe I believe he did owe it to me. Even now I would support him and I would expect support back.
I keep thinking that one day it will all be forgotten and we can move on but it feels so long and was hoping it would all be better now

It doesn't sound like you treated him well either. It sounds like you took your insecurities out on him. Maybe you were supportive in some ways but have you stopped to think maybe you were both toxic because of where you both were mentally and emotionally. If you can, make yourself think over that time honestly. If you can see that you hurt him too and he's let go of that it might help you let go of your anger at his shitty behaviour. It sounds like what you have now might be worth trying to get over how you both treated each other first time around.

Neither of you were in a good place to start a relationship back then.

Just wipe the slate clean and start over.

One thing ppl don't realise is just because you provide support to a friend/partner/family member...it isn't a given they'll do the same for you.

Not everyone is able to provide certain support...they just don't have the tools to do it.

I'm not sure of your location in the world, but you can access low cost counselling in the UK.
There are low cost counselling agencies and some offer counselling in accordance with your earnings.

I'm a bit concerned about his comment of not wanting you to go..it's a bit controlling...what's his reason?

It's not his problem that you needed him though? He wasn't in the right place to help you. No one owes you support.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC I think there is some level of being a friend or whatever, being supportive, that someone can hope for from a partner. For instance, my ex-FWB ditched me after I'd been raped, because he was a fair weather friend who was using me for sex, so when I was no longer just a barrel of laughs he didn't want to know.

His ex-wife left him partly because he was unsupportive after she had a miscarriage. I don't think she was unreasonable in expecting/ hoping for her husband to be supportive.

No-one owes us support, but we can have a basic level of support/being there for us that we think partners should give each other, and if someone doesn't treat us as we think a partner should, then we could decide that's a deal breaker and they're no longer our partner.

he doesn’t really want me to go.

@Clarasunshine Sandy makes a good point- some loved ones feel threatened when someone gets counselling etc, but that isn't good.

Sounds like a really difficult time in both of your lives and it's a shame you hadn't met now rather than when you did if you generally get on well apart from all of this stuff. However you didn't.

Look, I know it's a simplistic approach but he didn't cheat on you. He wasn't the most supportive but he was going through hard times and may not have had the resources to help you too. Has he been supportive since with other matters? If yes, what would you need to do to start afresh? Find an affordable counsellor, look for relevant self help books/ online resources if cost is prohibitive? Your GP might be able to refer you for cbt.

What you do need to get past though is what he did when single. It's horrible to feel quickly replaced but it happens. Asking for phone access in a new relationship on this basis was controlling.

When I say start afresh, I mean treat it like a new relationship. I feel that it's far too soon to be thinking about marriage or making romantic proposals.

Your insecurities are clearly still very much present and you need to address them. When you refer to talking to him.about seing 'her car driving past' I am guessing you mean the woman he slept with after you had broken up. You need to get a handle on this,OP, or the relationship will become completely toxic. Take a step back and think about why you would need to discuss the car driving past of someone he used to see? What is there that possibly needs discussing about this? Why would this level of muck raking not upset and frustrate him?

Why does he not want you to access counselling? Is this another example of not supporting you?

I have to say the whole relationship sounds like it doesn't bring either of you much happiness on balance.

I think I understand where you are coming from OP. He sounds like the type of man who has been a bit of a player and has a lack of empathy? He has women seemingly waiting in the wings and takes no time to reflect after a relationship ends? My ex was the same. Lots of women on the scene when I met him and when we broke up for similar reasons he was straight into dating apps and into other situations with other women within days. He wasn’t supportive of me when I needed him, he said all the right things but actually did nothing. I, like you worked hard in therapy when we split up and got stronger so gave it another go... but you know what, it wasn’t me who had the problem, it was him. He was ultimately selfish, uncaring and a player/woman magnet with no empathy, so I ended it for good. I would trust your instinct on this, it’s telling you something is ‘off’ about him. If you are feeling unsupported and insecure and there is the shadow of other women always in the background then he’s not the man for you. I waited for some time since we split before dating again and now look for caring, empathetic men who won’t jump on a dating app at the first sign of relationship issues.

Then it all just got too much, I didn’t trust him and stopped wanting sex and he hated seeing me as I was basically a lunatic with insecurities and depression caused by a few different things on top of his behavior

This was how you felt before you separated.
What do you mean you were a lunatic?

You only had a break for 2 months, is that right? And in that time saw other people as well? It all feels much too rushed. Was he living with you from the start?

@Buggedandconfused 100%, the men who jump from one to another are likely to be fair weathered as it isn't about you. They are with women for what it brings to them, sex, house, household duties, a place for their dc to go. When it gets tough or they need to offer support they are off, looking for an easier option. I think in your mind you know this but you are suppressing those feelings. I have done OLD and amazed by the amount of men who can't be alone for any period of time, they are amazing at seduction because they have such a need to be with someone..however within 2 years their true characters will show.

If you can't afford counselling read books on codependency. It will help you and all the children that are involved in this.

I doubt all your insecurities are you..I suspect your instinct has kicked in but you haven't learned to listen to it.

Bit of background .... Known my husband 34 yrs, been married 24. Before we were together he was a player and if I’m honest a bit of a tw*t. Anyway it came to be that we got together, we knew each other inside out and we clicked massively from a relationship point of view. We married had a daughter and 3 yrs later a son. It was about 18mths after our son was born he had a brief affair, he insists to this day it was nothing sexual but that he did over step the mark by meeting her outside of work and was wrong. I wasn’t sure at the time if I truly believed there was nothing sexual in it but decided I loved and wanted him enough to give our marriage another chance. That was 15 yrs ago and since then he has been the most doting husband anyone could ask for, we’ve had our bumps in the road but nothing abnormal or serious, we have a strong and solid marriage. Anyway about 2 wks ago I saw him texting and noticed a 😘 being sent, rightly or wrongly I secretly read the messages when he went to the toilet. It was from a work colleague, the content of the messages was everyday chit chat about what sort of day they’d both had and 😘 from both at the end. I then scrolled right back and this sort of chit chat had been going on for weeks. I confronted him later that night, he swore that it is purely platonic and that it helped to have someone from work to talk to about the stresses in the company (they are going thro big changes) and insisted it was purely friendship but nonetheless it was a friendship that meant a lot to him. He has since told me he’s been honest with her and told her I am not comfortable with the out of hours texting and that he doesn’t want that to continue because he doesn’t want to hurt me, there have been no more outside of work chats/texts between them. He is totally open with his phone and iPad (they are linked so have mirrored content) and has been totally honest that while he understands my insecurity neither he or she have no intent of this going any further than the good friendship it is........ so why the hell am I struggling with it so much ???? Every minute he’s at work in my head he’s sat laughing with her, sneaking up to the office to her see, is he 10 mins late coz they’re chatting in the car park and tonight he’s going for a farewell drink for one of the other managers and I’ve managed to tell myself that’s a lie and he’s really going to meet her .... it’s driving me insane, I think I know in my heart there is no more to this than a friendship (she is considerably younger and is engaged with a child) but I’m becoming obsessive about it and I don’t know why . We’ve talked and talked and talked some more and while he’s here with me I 100% believe what he’s saying but when he’s at work I become this paranoid, neurotic crazy woman in my head which I unleash on him when he comes home. How do I tell my head that my heart is right

@Middleagedmum4

You need to start your own thread.. 😊